I take slow, steady steps up to your big blue house. I knock on your door, cautiously. Answer, answer, answer!! is all that goes through my head. All of the sudden, you appear infront of me. Your big, brown eyes stare at me, curious and excited. Your tall figure towers over me. Your big hand takes my hand and pulls me out to the side walk. We start walking along the road, passing upscale houses. I wonder how this day could be any better. I can't imagine being with anyone besides you. My heart needs you. My heart wants you. We stop walking for a moment. I look up at you, waiting for you to say something. Waiting for you to give me reasoning for this pause. You grab my waist and pull me up to you. My heart races as you put your lips on mine. When your lips touch mine, I feel like nothing else matters. Like nothing else in the world is there. I feel magic. I look up at you as you say those four words. "I love you, Rose." I smile up at you. "I love you too, Alex." I continue walking with you, wondering how I got to be such a lucky girl.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there!
Well to start off, Snoink made some points and I guess she's right.
Monday with you - hmm...I like the title. But I guess it would've been much more appropriate to use it when you write about what happened in their whole date and not what happened at the very start of their date. Huh? I couldn't understand what I am saying, but you get my point, right? (I hope so)
Anyway, I like it. Nice start.
It was very brief and direct. How you wrote that the MC was walking towards Alex's house in the very start, that is.
It didn't make any connection to the readers, though. It would've been better if you showed us what it feels like to be in their place. Stuff like that. *wink*
You're new here! HAHA. Welcome to YWS, by the way.
Hope you'll have a lot of fun here. If you have any questions, PM me.
Keep writing!!! XD
-KAT <3
Hey ariberry!
First of all, I found a typo!
I knock on your door, cousious. <-- "cousious" isn't actually a real word, so maybe you meant something else?
Now, for the rest of the story! I thought it was a good start. After all, you described a lot of things that someone thinks as they meet the boy of her dreams! So yay! But details make a story shine. One of the things I was wondering as I read this, for example, was how they talked. You can get a lot of information from the conversation a couple has.
So add more to this! You're on the right track -- but you need more!