Of Joys departed, not to return, how painful the remembrance.
-Robert Blair
The first thing I could feel was the sharp pain in my side. It seemed as if it was the only thing that I could feel on my whole body. Everything else was numb. The only other thing was the cold metal that clung to my ankles. It felt like a chain, and it was too tight to ignore.
The second thing that stuck out to me was how dark the room was. It was as if I was stuck in some kind of closet. A very cold closet with a dirty metal floor. I could feel it through my thin dress that I seemed to be wearing. Without any light, I couldn’t see what it looked like, but it was scratching at my skin like an irritating sore.
My body was spread out across the floor, halfway leaning on the wall and halfway on the floor. The pain in my side seemed to increase, so I pushed my weight up so that I could be leaning on the wall more. A liquid immediately soaked my hand that I could already tell was blood. It felt as if I had a deep cut or gash. The blood was running down my side and pooling on the floor. I could feel it underneath me as it seethed through my dress. At that moment, I realized I was losing more than I should be.
That was made made the shock surge through me. My heart started to race as I surveyed the small empty room that I was chained in. I couldn't seem to remember any previous events, and nothing in the room could possibly remind me. Drawing in and huffing out quick breathes, I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down. I knew that getting frightened wouldn't help the situation.
“Hello!” I called out, testing to see if anyone could possibly hear me. The only thing I got in return was my faint echo.
“I need help.” I tried again. “There’s a lot of blood. And it hurts.” My voice cracked at the end of that sentence. Fear was taking the best of me again, so I tried to push it to the back of my head so that I could focus on help.
After a few moments of silent waiting, I got nothing in return. Sighing, I started to rub my sore ankles. The metal was holding them tight enough that I knew it would leave a bruise. I tried to push it down on my foot a little, but it was of no use.
It seemed as if a couple of minutes had passed when bright lights from the ceiling suddenly lit up the room. Everything was clear. The walls were plain white, like a freshly painted house, and the floor was in fact metal. It was covered in dirt and dust from a long time of obvious neglect. Every corner and crevice of the room was plain and empty, no doors or writing on the wall of any type, as if I was the first person ever in here. Looking up at the ceiling, I could see two lights hanging. Right in the center of the lights sat a square in the roof. It looked like it could be some type of trap door. The only way that someone could possibly get in or out.
The silence was eerie and seemed to draw out for forever. It stung my ears like a high pitched sound would, but there was no sound. I felt like I was suffocating from the quietness. It was just emptiness all around.
My mind failed to find any type of memory or clue as to how I got in there. It was completely blank, like everything I had ever known had been wiped away. No face or voice or anything. All I had was the silence racking through my head and body. That is why I was startled by the quiet creak that filled the room. A brighter light shone down on the center of the room, and a ladder began to slide down in its place. It was wooden and rickety; like it would give you a splinter if you gripped it the wrong way. Large, black boots started to climb down the rungs of the wooden ladder. Following the feet came dark blue jeans, a black button up shirt, gloved hands, and a young male face. Once his feet touched the ground and his hands let go of the ladder, it immediately slid back up through the door in the roof. The door closed shut behind it, trapping us in here.
I quickly studied the man as he slowly slid towards me. I felt tiny, balled up on the floor while he stood towering over me, about 6 feet tall. He had a freshly shaven chin with small stubs left and dark green eyes. He reminded me of a wolf. Sharp face, cautious face and tall lean figure.
“Hi Sophie.” His deep baritone voice said as he flashed his perfect teeth.
I said nothing, not knowing what I could possibly say to that. My eyes stared deep into his, almost challenging him.
“How ya doin there?” He asked, squatting down in front of me and still smiling.
I looked down at my blood stained cotton dress and blurted out, “Did you really just ask me that? Are you blind! Obviously I’m doing horrible! I don’t know where I am! I don’t know who you are! I…I don’t even know who I am!"
“I know Sophie. I know. And I’m sorry.” He replied as if he actually had some type of sympathy in him. Did he ever have to go through waking up in an empty room with no memory as to how he got there.
I sat there staring at him, waiting for him to say something else. To explain where I was and why I was here. What the point of all this was. I ended up waiting for nothing. Not wanting to show this stranger too much vulnerability, I just sat there and stared at the empty blank wall behind him. After a moment, he gave in and said, “Tell me what you remember.”
The fear and shock came once again. Here I was, locked up and chained in some empty room with a stranger asking me these silly questions. How did I end up here, and what did he plan on doing to me, if anything? Was he just going to leave me down here to bleed and starve to death? My mind drifted back to the question he just asked me, What do you remember?
I tried to think about it before I quickly answered, but all that came to me was darkness.
“Nothing.” I almost whispered. I felt almost inhumane. How can I possibly not remember anything at all?
The man just looked at me, as if trying to see through me and into my head.
“My name is Malcolm.” He finally said.
The pain in my side was still bothering me. The sudden change of scene had allowed me to block it out, but now as things calmed down it came back. I rubbed it and felt the blood still slowly flowing out.
‘My side.” I said, showing him the blood on my fingers. “Something happened there.”
“Ah yes.” He pulled some gauze and a small bottle of rubbing alcohol out of his pocket. “They had to subdue you.”
The words hit me but didn’t have time to sink in because he immediately said, “Roll over so I can see it.”
I listened to his strange orders and rolled over onto my ride side. I felt like I was crushing myself with my hands still locked in the shackles.
“It will sting, but it won’t last too long. And it will feel much better when I’m done.”
I craned my neck to look at what he was doing. There was a large hole in the side of my dress where the pain was,making it less uncomfortable for me.
He opened the bottle of rubbing alcohol and quickly poured it on my side. The pain rushed through my side as it bubbled. I clenched my fists to try and deal with the pain. He seemed to realize how much it hurt me because he quickly wiped it off with a rag. No emotion showed on his face, but I could tell that he was trying his best to make sure it didn't hurt too much. That counted for something.
“It hurt so much because it was infected. This should help it.” He finally said after he was done cleaning it.
I questioned my motives. Why was I letting this stranger treat me like I was his well known friend? I don't know who he was or what he could want. But then again, I had called for the help. Why turn it down now?
After the blood was cleared, I was able to see that it was from a knife. It had gone deep into my side and looked like it was pretty big. It was like a rectangle hole in me.
The next thing he did was place a sticky piece of gauze the size of the cut on me. He layered it multiple times to reduce the chance of it falling off.
“There, it should be good as new in no time. It might just leave a scar.”
I wanted to thank him, but my mouth wouldn’t let me push it out. I didn’t know this guy or his intentions, so all I could do was nod my head. He smiled at me, lighting up his green eyes, and then stood up.
“Well, I need to go. Food should be delivered to you soon. You probably won’t like it, but it’s all you’re going to get for your stay here.”
After glaring up at him and watching him dramatically turn around, I managed to ask, “Where am I?”
He turned back around, still smiling, “I was waiting for you to ask me that. You’re where you belong.”
"A...and what do you plan on doing to me?" I asked again, my voice like daggers. He looked past me and at the wall, as if he was remembering something.
"I'm sorry about this Sophie. I truly am. But when you and Julius...." His sentence cut off in the middle of it.
"Who?" Was all I could say.
He never answered me. He pulled out a walkie-talkie and mumbled a command into it. The trap door suddenly opened and down slid a ladder. Malcolm started to ascend the ladder, never looking back down on me. Once he disappeared from it, the ladder slid up and the trap door closed, leaving me once again in the empty, silent room.
*Special thanks to Chaser and Artybirdy for their reviews*
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Oh, my God! This is so much better. I absolutely loved it. Excellent work!
Hey, welcome to YWS!
I'm going to focus more on techniques, style and flow in this review. Now then:
The most apparent aspect of your style is the character's complete zen-state. She never panics, thinks logically while bleeding out, and just seems to be more inconvenienced than scared of her new surroundings.
All of this makes for a pretty interesting character, especially since it looks like she's being detained for something. However, this is also a double-edged sword, as they say. There's a very fine line between calm and boring, so a vivid environment is key.
Of course, if I've completely misunderstood your character, then I'll advise for you to add some details of her emotional state.
Of course, either way, when a person is lost or confused, their first instinct is usually to wrack their brain for clues in their memory. It's instinctive, sure, but also logical, so I'd suggest it either way. (Granted, it has become a bit of a cliche as of late.)
As for your description of Malcolm, while it's vivid, it's got a bit of a lack of focus. Since every detail is listed one after the other, it's arduous to put the puzzle together. The easiest way to remedy this is to encompass his features with a single description. Comparing someone to an animal, force or object works well. Of course, this one's merely an opinion, so feel free to go about it your own way.
The characters themselves are great, Malcolm especially. Mysterious sympathy, indeed.
Overall, be careful with your expertly balanced "vividly drab" tone. While it's working now, with the plot behind it, it could tip over into mundane as the story progresses. But right now, I'd say that it's a grand read. Cheers!
-Chaser
wow thank you this really helped this is what I was looking forward too. I will definitely take your advice.
I’m definitely looking forward to reading more of this. You have captured my interest in a short and dramatic chapter. I loved it. Let me know when you post the next chapter.
Hello, I’m artybirdy and I’m here to review!
I’ll begin by saying that I found this chapter particularly intense. Though there wasn’t much to advance the plot, you have established the characters and setting. It left me with questions that I, as a reader, definitely need the answers to. How did she get here? Who’s she? Why has she been abducted? What did Malcolm mean by “you’re where you belong”?
However, there are a couple of things I’d like you to improve on.
1. You have punctuated the dialogue incorrectly and, because I’m not good at explaining, I’ll refer you to a blog I use for help.
http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/pu ... -dialogue/
2. It’ll be a good idea if you could give us snippets of what “they” could be. You know, to hook us in and create a mystery, something that’ll keep us on the edge of our seats. For example, maybe she asks about those people, and he starts off a bit and stops.
3. If her injuries are treated by Malcolm, that means she’s important to them . . . right? You could show us that. Is Malcolm simply following orders, or is there more to him? If he’s actually a nice person, maybe when she cries out of pain, he winces.
4. I felt that her reaction wasn’t realistic enough. She’s surprisingly calm for someone who’s been kidnapped, doesn’t remember anything, and meets a stranger (possibly a person who plans to kill her). Now, that could be her character, but every human being’s scared or experiences panic attacks at least once in their life time. I’d consider adding a bit more emotions into it.
5. I noticed a couple of grammar and punctuation errors. For example, at one place, you said “loosing” instead of “losing”. In a lot of areas, you don’t put a space after a comma and full stop or period.
Overall, great job! It’s a thrilling start to your book.
Well done, and keep writing!
thank you very much this is great advice I will definitely follow on it. This should really help my story.
No problem! Glad I could help.