Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic

E - Everyone

A truth, a lie, and a half-truth

by ardentlyThieving


There is the Truth

the Lie

and the Half-Truth

~

She has always known

since she was a little girl

dreams full of plump lips

covered in lipstick

forming her name

a silent plea

a moan

a longing

and a need.

~

She has always known

since she was a little girl

dreams full of hellfire

waking hours full of shame

disgust

suppress it

hide it

hate yourself for it

pray for your salvation

your redemption.

~

She has never known

never even suspected

did not have the words to label herself

describe herself

her mind

her heart

her soul

a new realisation

fragile

precious

push too hard and it all collapses

let it grow on its own.

~

There is the Truth

the Lie

and the Half-Truth.

~

She is choking

She is drowning

She is suffocating

~

There is the Truth

the Lie

and the Half-Truth.

~

The words are heavy on her tongue

caged behind her teeth

released and she tries to snatch them back.

~

The words form in her mouth

and she releases them into the air

like little birds.

~

The words pour out

a quiet rush

“what was that”

nothing

just the wind.

~

There is the Truth

the Lie

and the Half-Truth.

~

There are tears

shame

disgust

“how could you do this to us”

“we know someone who can help”

back to the prayers

salvation

redemption

dreams of hellfire.

~

There is a silence

hard

fragile

and then

“who else have you told”

“did anyone influence you”

“you don’t have to be like this to fit in”

back to silence

the subject is closed.

~

There are tears

a celebration

acceptance

“we love you”

“we’re so glad you told us”.

~

There is the light of a computer screen

trembling fingers

a question

~

Am I wrong

broken

a sinner?

~

How do I meet girls

romantically

sexually?

~

What does bisexuality mean

to me

to you

to the world?

~

There is a Lie

There is a Half-Truth

There is the Truth.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
713 Reviews


Points: 17005
Reviews: 713

Donate
Tue Sep 12, 2017 10:19 pm
LordWolf wrote a review...



Hey there ardentlyThieving. I saw your post in the lounge and I meant to say welcome back. Dropping by as requested so let's just get to it.

The main thing going on here is the structure, which in all honesty, doesn't do anything for me. Often when you come across rapid line breaks, especially centered ones, they run into two main issues.
1. It disrupts the flow. Of all of the things in poetry that we should worry about, I think about flow and imagery the most. This is the core of your poem in the elements. You may have the idea half done out (more later) but if the pieces aren't fitting together, someone can't really take the full effect of the poem. This plays into the concept of emotion in and emotion out, where you put emotion in and the reader feels that emotion in a different form. Except the thoughts here never really get completed and never really flow together, so little emotion comes from the poem itself.
2. Besides just what the reader might possibly gain from the poem, first comes their ability to even get through it. I, for one, took way too long to make it all the way through such a short piece, which was the first warning bell for me. It's true that there are long poems that can't just be read in the shake of a lamb's tail, but from the material I see presented, this should be easy to get through. The point is easy to spot and it's not like the figurative language involves something a reader would have to look up.
It's simple with a serious meaning and shouldn't have the reader getting hung up on loose ends.

There is the Truth
the Lie
and the Half-Truth

You can only take a repetition so far before it becomes annoying and starts to fade away into the background, no longer providing a shocker or entertainment value. Placing it at the beginning and end is perfectly justified, and that's really the only place where I liked it. Have you ever heard "too much of a good thing"? Repeating stanzas is more like "too much of an okay thing to begin with". It's like swear words in books or movies. It's created for an effect but soon it becomes overpowering or just plain old tiresome.
I'd advice you to seriously look this back over.

I'm really late to the game and everything else has been picked over, so I believe I will just leave it at that.
Happy #RevMo .
~Liz




User avatar
264 Reviews


Points: 23295
Reviews: 264

Donate
Tue Sep 12, 2017 12:22 am
Megrim wrote a review...



Helloooo Megrim here to review as requested, and with pretty much no knowledge of poetry so take it all with a grain of salt!

Formatting first. I think I do like the words spaced out on so many different lines, because it adds a sense of punctuation or emphasis (kind of like when using instant messaging). I wonder if it would look alright on the left, though, rather than centered? Something about being centered feels weird to me.

Content-wise, I'll admit, I had no clue what the poem was about on first read-through. I kept trying to guess, and getting it miserably wrong. Is it about self-harm? Gender identity? Part of the problem is that there's no context or tone for the dialogue, so I initially read them all as concerned and supportive as if the person had finally admitted a serious mental issue like self-harm, eating disorder, etc etc, and was trying to overcome it. So like, yeah, I totally missed the mark on that one. I think a line to give context to the dialogue might help, like something about harsh or disapproving voices, imagery like frowns, stuff like that. Just one line would probably do it. I also found the first stanza pretty confusing, but no ideas for that one.

On re-read, it all makes perfect sense. Guess it goes to show how when you know what you're trying to say, things come across so differently. I suppose I was a little disappointed that it wasn't the way I was imagining it :P I kind of wanted it to be about an internal mental illness struggle and finally opening up to the family & doctors and stuff. But that's a different poem for a different day.

The last few stanzas, about meeting girls and what does bisexuality mean, seem oddly out of place where the rest of the poem is so lyrical and metaphorical. It's a good thing they're there or I'd have had no clue what it was about, but at the same time the style feels different. I do think the last stanza is nice, with the lie and the half-truth crossed out.

Well, take that as you will! You have been critiqued :)

Cheers




User avatar
1079 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 1079

Donate
Mon Sep 11, 2017 11:10 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



Hi there ardentlyThieving. This is Kays here dropping in for a review as requested! I don't believe that I've reviewed any poetry of yours before so I'll head in fresh. Without further ado, let's delve right in.

I wanted to talk a little bit about the structure or the formatting first because--I have to have two tabs open to read this poem. While I usually do this anyway because I like to switch between my current place and the bottom of the review, what I'm attempting to say is that the lines here are quite short and spaced apart. From what I read here, it seems that you're aware of the method of putting a ~ between stanzas to indicate the end of one stanza and the start of a new one but not the other methods of formatting poetry on YWS.

I do wish that the Publishing Center automatically but it doesn't so I'm going to suggest either taking a screenshot of the poem and uploading that to the Publishing Center or lining all of the lines in one stanza up and then pressing shift+enter where the line breaks are wanted. Unless those explanations aren't clear enough I'll go ahead and redirect you to Aley's article on Formatting Poetry for the best results. That being said, it's easy to tell I'm not that large on the structure or overall aesthetic of the poem but what ends up being the most important is the content. Let's talk about that.

The repetition is an aspect of the poem that I didn't prefer to be there? The repetition doesn't add anything to the piece and neither does the capitalization of the word Truth or the word Lie. Little ticks or add-ons such as capitalization to put emphasis on a word and repetition that doesn't add are a couple aspects that I dislike because both take away from the content. The themes are alright enough and I don't mind the concept but instead I mind more what came out. I mind the execution.

The rule "Show, Don't Tell" can apply to poetry as well and I believe this is one of those cases. Try and focus more on the imagery. Try and focus more on showing us these emotions instead of telling us. The dialogue is another element that I wasn't all that fond of because this pops up here and there. An example of what the poetry should aim to be here is perhaps the first five lines or the three lines about the words being caged behind her teeth--give us more of that. Condense the poem and make this less dragged out. Sometimes less is more, you know? Overall, the concept and themes are strong but the execution is off. The themes are the strongest part even--play to them and build around them. This is by no means a bad piece, I just believe that this can be even stronger and better-done with editing and revision.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image

Image






Omg i have so much trouble formatting stuff on here, so that's really helpful! I'm on my phone at school right now so I'm gonna properly read what you said when I get home, but thnx so mych



User avatar
15 Reviews


Points: 159
Reviews: 15

Donate
Sun Sep 10, 2017 12:46 am
View Likes
jessegrey wrote a review...



Hi there! jessegrey here, leaving you a little review.

Wow, this was pretty powerful. The overall fragile feeling is lathered all over the piece, and it's really emotional. I definitely found myself among the words written here. I personally absolutely love the phrase "The words are heavy on her tongue, caged behind her teeth." What beautiful, haunting imagery! God, I absolutely loved that! Anyways, great job on this!




User avatar
176 Reviews


Points: 3783
Reviews: 176

Donate
Sat Sep 09, 2017 4:45 pm
View Likes
Sheyren wrote a review...



Hey there! Shey here for a review!

This is an interesting poem. I love the concept, and the meaning, and the rhythm, and I love a lot of things about it. The formatting is... Well, I'm not sure what to call it. Unique? That works.

I'll start by commenting on the message of the poem. I'll be upfront and say that no, I simply cannot personally relate to the meaning. I'm a straight male. However, that doesn't stop me from appreciating the beauty of the poem. However, just keep in mind that my perspective is shallow, since I'm only just another reader, not someone reading to relate.

The format is definitely "unique", as a put it. It's strange, seeing a poem centered throughout the entirety. That's not to say it's bad, but it's definitely different from usual poetry formatting. My suggestion for it is maybe accent certain lines by aligning them to the left or right, whichever you like more. This way, lines you think are more important will be naturally highlighted by readers as they read through it.

Overall, I loved the piece. Apologies for the length of this review, as I'm short on time. Anway, keep up the great work, as I look forward to seeing more from you! [center




User avatar
118 Reviews


Points: 15525
Reviews: 118

Donate
Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:07 am
View Likes
PastelSlushie wrote a review...



Hello, ardentlyThieving, PastelSlushie here for review number 13 for #RevMo ! Let's get right into it!

I'd like to point out one little thing before the actual review starts. The format this is in reminds me more of a poem instead of a short story. I don't know if this was used to make the story stand out in a stylistic fashion choice of some kinds, but I will say one thing - I was not a fan of it.

Other than that, I really enjoyed this. It has a realistic turn on what most people feel when they realize they're homosexual or bisexual or anything of that sort. The repeated there is a lie, there is a half truth, and there is the truth seems appropriate and goes quite smoothly.

Another part I really like is how in the ending paragraph, the there is a lie and there is a half truth is crossed out. I really feel is represents that the character cannot lie or tell a half truth - all she can tell is the 100% truth.

Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces,

Pastel






Yeah, looking over it I've changed my thing to poetry rather than short story. thanks for pointing that out :D



User avatar
63 Reviews


Points: 1037
Reviews: 63

Donate
Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:50 pm
View Likes
whatchamacallit says...



Yes, yes, yes!
I love this so much.
I especially love the crossed out stuff at the end! :D
Keep writing!!!





Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
— Groucho Marx