PLEASE. I have no idea what to do for a title for this story. Does anyone have any ideas?
***
Snap! Emily whirled around to see her friend Carter lying on the ground unconscious, left leg bent awkwardly under her limp body, her bow still in hand. She ran over to her crumpled figure expecting to find a pulse, but found none. Suddenly, she was sent flailing through the air after being struck in the back of the head with something sharp. She hit the ground with a hard thud, and rolled over on her back grimacing in pain and gasping for air. Emily slowly sat up and felt he back of her head where she had been struck. There was a deep gash and it was bleeding. She looked up and watched her unconscious friend as a red mist clouded over her vision and all went black.
A little while later, Carter awoke to the faint smell of rubbing alcohol. She opened her eyes to the bright sunlight streaming in from a tall window just above her bed. As she slowly grew accustomed to her surroundings she heard moans of other injured people as she realized she was in the hospital wing. Carter gagged as the sudden odor of vomit swept over the room. She pulled herself up on her to lean against the metal head board of her bed and winced and thought better of it when a sudden sharp pain radiated through her left ankle. She pulled back the covers on her bed to reveal her ankle tightly wrapped and swollen.
"Broken," said a familiar voice. Carter looked over and saw her good friend DeLuise sitting at her bed side. He leaned in and wrapped his arms around Carter's delicate frame as she gently adjusted herself to hug him back.
"What happened?" Carter asked.
"You don't remember?" DeLuise replied. "We were...... I don't know. I can't remember what happened either."
"Where is Emily?" Carter asked. She looked at DeLuise to see his eyes were focused else where. She followed his gaze over to her right side just in time to see a nurse pull a sheet up over her best friend's head. The nurse looked up at Carter with sad eyes. Carter instantly knew what had happened. "Damn it," she said.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is quite the dangerous start to proceedings here. We do seem to be diving headfirst into the midst of some sort of battle and a pretty dangerous one at that given it seems both of these people were taken out with them hardly being able to do anything about it and from some sort of assailant they don't even seem to have noticed. It certainly gets our attention quite quickly here so solid start.
Okay that took me a bit of a second to realize we'd switched POV's there. I think you might want to be a tad bit clearer about that because with the other person going unconscious you don't quite expect there to be a POV jump with no scene break at all. Besides that though this is continuing on the feeling from earlier quite nicely I think and introducing some interesting new elements to the scene. It appears whoever attacked these people all simply wanted them kidnapped as opposed to hurt which definitely makes things even more interesting than if they were simply being attacked.
Well that took a dark turn that I absolutely did not see coming there. Well now this just leaves us in even more confusion there especially given it all cuts off rather quickly. Well, I will say you've done plenty at this point to have us wanting to read more here. This is definitely a lovely little start.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Spike this.
It has a disjointed flow. Rushed scenes and no descriptions relevant to plot. No reader wants to read words that are not important to what is happening just to make it look pretty. Save your efforts for character development and plot advancement.
All in all, it was a decent piece of writing with potential for a great story.
We had no idea who any of the characters were or where they were. As for the title, Since we know nothing of the plot, nothing of the world they are in, and very little of the characters I think it would be difficult for me to suggest a decent title. Perhaps if you gave a brief summary of the story I could try and help you.
I did not understand what the character was doing in a certain part, which I won't copy and paste but I think it said she leaned over her?
I'm not sure that's right, but I'm not a writing genius or anyting so I could be mistaken, it's just somehting that caught my eye.
Good piece, keep writing and I would like to see where this story could go.
This story has potential. You kind of just send the reader flying head first into the story though. You have no idea where you are, what just happened to the characters, why their injured, and so on. In your mind you know exactly what's going on. Put yourself in the readers shoes and imagine you don't know a single thing about the story. Try to fill us in a little bit, ok? As for the name, if this is going to be a story only you know what the contents will be. You want a title that drawns the reader and describes the theme of the story in a single word or phrase. Example: When Death came Knocking
Ok, Ok, that's kind of lame but, you get the idea:)
~Dakota
Hi
You need to explain a bit more about what's going on. I would also explain a bit more about the characters.
She pulled herself up on her to lean against the metal head board of her bed and winced and thought better of it when a sudden sharp pain radiated through her left ankle.
The first part of this sentence doesn't make any sense, also there's too much in this sentence, cut it into two sentences;
She pulled herself up to lean against the metal head board of her bed. She winced and slid back under the covers when a sudden sharp pain radiated through her left ankle.
Something more like that, you can mess with it and make it better:)
Also you should make it so the reader knows more about what's happening, they don't know much about the characters or what's happening.
You need to explain a bit about the characters surroundings. In the first part the reader has no idea where the characters are. Are they in a forest? A meadow? A small town? And you should have some detail of there surroundings and what's going on around them.
It has potential, though, so keep working at it!
~Tayla
Hi,
The story was ok, it just really needed a plot it didn't really go anywhere. The reader doesn't know like where they are, why they're there, or why someone was trying to hurt them.
Also it wouldn't hurt to explain a little more on who 'her good friend DeLuise' is.
Here's another sentence that didn't sound right:
She pulled herself up on her to lean against
What did she pull her self up onto? I think your just missing a word or something.
~Zanna
hey, its me.
okay, title ideas:
the way friends fall
unexplained injuries
blackened reality
just ideas.
-ST
Hey Archer! ^^
So, first of all, I think this has a lot of potential. There aren't very many real problems, actually, but sometimes your style becomes stitled-- a bit too formal, too stiff for everything to flow correctly. I'll try to see what we can do to gelp that.
Okay, first of all, make sure to proofread your posts first just to avoid little typos and such.
Secondly, the repetition of 'her friend' disrupts your flow. Instead of repeating the same thing in back-to-back sentences, try to change it up-- maybe even just saying "She ran over to her" instead, or, "She ran over to her crumpled figure" or something a bit more descriptive like that.
Thirdly, how does Emily know that Carter's left ankle is broken just by looking at her? Those little details are things to really need to think about and not look over in stories. Unless Carter cried, "Oh, my left ankle is broken!" then Emily can't know for sure. But! You could say that Emily saw her friend's left leg twisted oddly underneath her or something that involves simple perception.
Just a quick note: The 'suddenly' adverb, despite popular belief, doesn't actually work to introduce a surprise.
This is a prime example of what I mean when I say your narrative is a bit too formal. No one would actually say this. It sounds awkward, and even just saying, "A little while later" would be better.
Try: Emily's boyfriend was sitting by her side, sniffeling through teary eyes. Otherwise it makes very little sense.
Although I told you to scrap that tidbit in the first paragraph, any semi-lasting injury can't just suddenly disappear.
Oddly enough, you're not exactly lacking descriptions-- but your descriptions could use some more imagery, I think. Describe some things besides the regular colors, smells, things like that. Try describing the hospital, leaving the taste of sickness in Carter's mouth. What about learning that your friend was just killed? That's got to send Carter on an emotional roller-coaster; explain that. Show that.
When Carter wakes up, she might have a single moment of foggy forgetfulness, but soon enough she'd remember what happened. It would all flash before her, very quickly maybe-- but she's remember something. You mention the death, but you don't mention her remembering anything about the previous events! Which, believe me, she would.
The main thing about this story is that it doesn't have a real plot. You know? There's no beginning, there's no middle, there's no end. There's one event: the death. And with that happening to early in the story, we can't fully appreciate that. We can't really feel to bad for Emily or Carter, because we never got to know Emily before she died, so we *cringe* don't really care.
I think this is a short story? If so, you need to develop this more-- add that beginning, middle, and end, and then the background information. Emotion, description, and especially some conclusion that your readers can be satisfied with. Here, we just have a character that we didn't even really know who dies mysteriously. What the heck happened?
As for a title, we don't really have enough of a plot right now to really make that decision.
^^ All in all, this showed a lot of potential! Just expand on it so your readers aren't left wondering what they just read.
~Evi