Alone in the Dark: chap.2

by archer123
  • November 30, 2008
  • Novel / Chapter
  • Fantasy
  • abondoned works
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Blair awoke the next morning to the birds chirping over head. She crawled out of her tree and placed her fists in the small of back until it popped. She turned around and almost stepped on her mail toad. The toad had a formal looking letter in it's mouth. Blair bent down and took the letter from it's mouth. It was her acceptance letter. She looked at and smiled so big that it almost went from one ear to the other. She stroked the top of the toads head and and it hopped away.

STILL BEING WRITTEN

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telle_04
Review
telle_04 wrote a review · Tue Dec 02, 2008 12:40 pm

archer123 wrote:Blair awoke the next morning to the birds chirping over head. She crawled out of her tree and placed her fists in the small of back until it popped. She turned around and almost stepped on her mail toad. The toad had a formal looking letter in it's mouth. Blair bent down and took the letter from it's mouth. It was her acceptance letter. She looked at and smiled so big that it almost went from one ear to the other. She stroked the top of the toads head and and it hopped away.

STILL BEING WRITTEN




hello again..

**whew**

i was expecting more, but i was really surprised. know what? i think you should focus on giving more details, or like writing from the present and jumping back into the past, like a flashback.

Blair looks like an insensitive girl. why don't you try to give her feelings..narrate her life, her interests, how she got there with her friends...

anyway, it's still being written, right?

god bless.

User avatar
Princess
Review
Princess wrote a review · Mon Dec 01, 2008 3:42 am

Goodness! These chapters are barely a paragraph! You must think about lengthening them!

We need more insight on Blair's past.. Give her personality.. Give her feelings.. Right now the only sense I am getting from this story is sight. Give your character taste, smell, touch, and hearing. Then it would be great!!!

Once again, details!!!! You need these badly. I am still having trouble relating to the main character, and that is a bad sign. Also, I still have no idea what the college acceptance letter has to do with your main story plot. Why is it there?

Mail Toad???? We need more past details.. Is this like snow white? Where all the animals are helping her? Hm.. Interesting.. I cant wait to read more!


Thanks for the fun read!!!

(a small reminder; do not post things if they are still being written)

Yours truly,
Emma



You are going to love some of your characters because they are you, or some facet of you, and you are going to hate some characters for the same reason.
— Anne Lamott