Alone in the Dark: prolouge and chap.1

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The air was cold and muggy. Everytime she took a breath it felt stiff and thick. The rain fell down around her making her midnight black hair sodden and lifeless. Her green eyes slowly becoming heavy with sleep. She sat wrists on knees looking out at the forest. She and her two friends, Peter Blankly, and Miana Nichelson had spent the last three days building and rebuilding camp. She stared out at the sky and watched the lightning flash over head. She smiled, revealing her pearl white teeth. She liked storms. She admired the beautiful scenery each flash of lightning painted across the sky, she loved how the wind tossled her hair. Then there was a slight tap on her shoulder. She turned around to come face to face with Peter. He beckond to the tent as Miana tired to stablelize it slightly. She gave one everlasting sigh of annoyment. She knew it was time to pack it in. She and her friends were students Olympus Acadamy. The acadamy was an adventering school. She had arrived only a few weeks before and already their professers and asigned them a task. They had to spend three days in isolation away from the other groups who were on the same task. They had to learn how to survive in the wild. Her name was Blair Williams. The three of them decided to pack up their equipment and start heading toward the Olympus grounds.

When the three of them finally returned to the grounds they were soaked to the bone. Every inch of them was soaking wet. They were all tired and ready to sleep in an actual bed. Peter and Miana pushed on the heavy wooden doors that made a loud creaking sound as they opened. Blair led the way through a long hallway that had many different classrooms on either side. As they came closer to the Long Hall, the graham craker colored flooring became a red, velvet, carpet. As they entered the Long Hall there was a round of applause as they walked over and sat down just in time for food.

Okay, my comments will be in bold and my adjustments will be in red.

archer123 wrote:The air was cold and muggy. Every time she took a breath it felt stiff and thick. The rain fell down around her making her midnight black hair sodden and lifeless. Personally these words when I read them have no fluency. You might be able to replace the first period with an 'and' to make it flow a bit better. Her green eyes were slowly becoming heavy with sleep. She sat with her wrists on her knees looking out at the forest. You could here be more descriptive on how she looked at the surrounding forest and maybe her personal feelings on the drab surroundings. She and her two friends, Peter Blankly and Miana Nichelson, had spent the last three days building and rebuilding camp. She stared out at the sky and watched the lightning flash over head and she smiled, revealing her pearl white teeth. She liked storms. She admired the beautiful scenery that each flash of lightning would paint across the sky. She loved how the wind tossed her hair. That part also is a bit choppy but is alright. It is better then the beginning. The girl was brought out of her daze by a slight tap on her shoulder.It just adds a bit more description then what was there before. She turned around to come face to face with Peter.Maybe at this point describe her relationship with Peter and what she thinks of him. He beckoned to the tent as Miana tried to stabilize it slightly. She gave one everlasting Do you mean long or disappointed sigh? For some reason 'everlasting' doesn't seem like the proper adjective to use in that case. sigh of annoyance. She knew it was time to pack it in. She and her friends were students at Olympus Academy. The academy was an adventuring school. She had arrived only a few weeks before and already their professors had assigned them a task. They had to spend three days in isolation away from the other groups who were on the same task. They had to learn how to survive in the wild. Her name was Blair Williams.I personally would have introduced her name earlier in the piece The three of them decided to pack up their equipment and start heading toward the Olympus grounds.

* * *

When the three of them finally returned to the grounds they were soaked to the bone. Every inch of them was soaking wet. They were all tired and ready to sleep in an actual bed. Peter and Miana pushed on the heavy wooden doors At this point it seems that Blair Williams has done nothing. Is there something important or special about her that makes other people do things for her? that made a loud creaking sound as they opened. Blair led the way through a long hallway that had many different classrooms on either side. What kind of classrooms? Explain in more detail their surroundings. As they came closer to the Long Hall, the graham cracker colored flooring became a red velvet carpet. As they entered the Long Hall there was a round of applause as they walked over and sat down just in time for food. Why are they being applauded? Was their task a hard one? Give reasons for all the things happening.

archer123 wrote: comments in red
The air was cold and muggy. Everytime Should be "Every time..." she took a breath it felt stiff and thick. The rain fell down around her, making her midnight black hair sodden and lifeless. Her green eyes slowly becoming heavy with sleep. She sat wrists on knees looking out at the forest. Okay, there's two ways you can do this. "Her green eyes were slowly becoming heavy with sleep. She sat..." or "Her green eyes slowly becoming heavy with sleep, she sat..." She and her two friends, Peter Blankly[s],[/s] and Miana Nichelson had spent the last three days building and rebuilding camp. She stared out at the sky and watched the lightning flash over head. She smiled, revealing her pearl-white teeth. She liked storms. She admired the beautiful scenery each flash of lightning painted across the sky, she loved how the wind tossled Tossed? Tussled? her hair. Too many sentences in a row starting with "she" Try to mix it up a little or it gets distracting. Then there was a slight tap on her shoulder. She turned around to come face to face with Peter. He beckoned to the tent as Miana [s]tired[/s]tried to [s]stablelize[/s]stabilize it slightly. She gave one everlasting sigh of [s]annoyment.[/s]annoyance She knew it was time to pack it in. She and her friends were students at Olympus [s]Acadamy[/s]Academy. The [s]acadamy[/s]academy was an [s]adventering[/]adventuring school. She had arrived only a few weeks before and already their [s]professers[/s]professors and assigned them a task. They had to spend three days in isolation away from the other groups who were on the same task. They had to learn how to survive in the wild. Her name was Blair Williams.Why is "her" italicized? The three of them decided to pack up their equipment and start heading toward the Olympus grounds. It seems an odd and choppy jump to go from giving her name to saying they decided to pack up. You might want to give her name sooner, or not at all, since it is only the prologue.

* * *

When the three of them finally returned to the grounds they were soaked to the bone. Every inch of them was soaking wet. They were all tired and ready to sleep in an actual bed. Peter and Miana pushed on the heavy wooden doors that made a loud creaking sound as they opened. This sounds a little choppy. Maybe try something like "Peter and Miana pushed on the heavy wooden doors, and were met with the loud creaking sound they had all started miss in their three days alone" or something. Blair led the way through a long hallway that had many different classrooms on either side. As they came closer to the Long Hall, the graham [s]craker[/s]cracker colored flooring became a red, velvet, carpet. [s]As[/s] they entered the Long Hall; there was a round of applause as they walked over and sat down just in time for food.

Good story so far. Though some parts I don't entirely agree with but I don't dislike them enough to bring them up.

All I can say is I saw a couple spelling mistakes:

Acadamy which should be Academy.

beckond should be beckoned.

stablelize should be stabilize.

adventering should be adventuring.

and also..

They had to learn how to survive in the wild. Her name was Blair Williams. The three of them decided to pack up their equipment and start heading toward the Olympus grounds.

The air was cold and muggy. Everytime she took a breath it felt stiff and thick. The rain fell down around her making her midnight black hair sodden and lifeless. Her green eyes slowly becoming heavy with sleep. She sat wrists on knees looking out at the forest. She and her two friends, Peter Blankly, and Miana Nichelson had spent the last three days building and rebuilding camp. She stared out at the sky and watched the lightning flash over head. She smiled, revealing her pearl white teeth. She liked storms. She admired the beautiful scenery each flash of lightning painted across the sky, she loved how the wind tossled her hair. Then there was a slight tap on her shoulder. She turned around to come face to face with Peter. He beckond to the tent as Miana tired to stablelize it slightly. She gave one everlasting sigh of annoyment. She knew it was time to pack it in. She and her friends were students Olympus Acadamy. The acadamy was an adventering school. She had arrived only a few weeks before and already their professers and asigned them a task. They had to spend three days in isolation away from the other groups who were on the same task. They had to learn how to survive in the wild. Her name was Blair Williams. The three of them decided to pack up their equipment and start heading toward the Olympus grounds.

* * *

When the three of them finally returned to the grounds they were soaked to the bone. Every inch of them was soaking wet. They were all tired and ready to sleep in an actual bed. Peter and Miana pushed on the heavy wooden doors that made a loud creaking sound as they opened. Blair led the way through a long hallway that had many different classrooms on either side. As they came closer to the Long Hall, the graham craker colored flooring became a red, velvet, carpet. As they entered the Long Hall there was a round of applause as they walked over and sat down just in time for food.


hello, archer123..

Alone in the Dark..nice title.where'd you get it?..

actually, i'm new here in yws, so i don't get to post a lot of things. i just love to spend time reading and sending feedbacks.

Blair Williams is a nice name, for a mysterious character. Olympus Academy..Peter Blankly..Miana Nichelson..nice names. i guess they also suggest supernaturality, right?..

keep it up.

god bless.

Hello Archer123, and welcome to YWS. My name is Andy and I will be your reviewer for today.

The air was cold and muggy. Everytime I took a breath it felt like someone had run over my chest with a truck.

After loosing my parents 3 weeks ago and having nowhere else to go, I spent most of my time in the woods on the abandoned side of town.

I applied to Midstate University 6 months ago and I hadn't gotten my acceptance letter back.

Blair Williams waited in the tree of the strom to pass.

She fell asleep watching the lightning flash in the sky. She dreamt about her parents and wished they were still here.

Her parents had died 3 weeks ago in a fire. The fire blazed through the house like the lightning did across the sky. Her parents ran to her and told her to get out of the house. They told her they would meet her outside, but they never came and Blair knew a once that she would never see her parents again.

Over the next 3 weeks she stayed at a friends' house some nights but most of the time she lived off of things she found in the woods. She was well versed with things in the wild. She had several books on wild plants and animals. She had pretty much memorized what was edible and what was not.

Hey archer! I normally don't do critiques on stories, but here I am!

Details!!! This is what you need most in the prologue of this story.. It makes it hard to picture when you forget the little things. Describe how the hail bounced off of the cement, or how the drenched houses looked like wet cardboard boxes.. Describe something. This character already seems obsessed with herself, and it seems like she doesn't even notice her surroundings.. The setting is very important, so don't forget it!

Also, when you use similes, try not to use too many words. It takes away the emotion from the story and makes it awkward. What does the application thing have to do with any of this?


This is a great story, and I look forward to reading more!

*Emma*

ill tell you the second half was alot bette rthen the first...

The wind started to blow and the rain pelted my skin like paintballs being shot at me.

How could this get any worse? I applied to Midstate University 6 months ago and I hadn't gotten my acceptance letter back

My hair became matted and it stuck to my face as the, now rain and hail poured down around me

Four words:

Not another vampire story.

Please.

Also, this is way too short to review.

Okay, so thirteen words.

Crap, seventeen.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHGHGH