It's been a while, if one can call over three years a while. I've stopped by a few times, but hadn't had anything I wished to post. Here is a (very) short one. It once was a scene from a larger story, but I decided it didn't fit. Now, it's an attempt at flash fiction. As always, feel free to rip it to shreds. I've thick enough skin.
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Curse this forest. Curse it to the deities and curse it till the end of the world. Job wielded his ax like a weapon. With it he sliced his way through. He had fought this place tooth and nail since he was a child. He would fight it till the day he died. Then his children would continue his legacy. Forest fighters. He liked the ring to it though the people in the village would laugh. "You cannot fight the forest." They would say. "More like forest flounders." They would say.
That was that. They would never understand. He did not fear the forest or its magic. He made his living here, and a good and honest living that was. The brush of the forest behind him rustled and he jumped. He turned the wrath of his ax from the forest before him to the forest behind. A pink snout poked out of the brush.
"And curse you too Wilbur." He shouted. Birds shot from the forest around him and he jumped once again. A stream of curses ran through his mind but he restrained his tongue. "What have you got?"
The creature dropped something. This something had little white domes at its head and gray stalks at its foot. He gave the animal an indignant look.
"We haven't been sampling the product, have we?" The swine's far distant eyes gave him his answer. They mocked him, as if saying, "honest living indeed." The man took what was left and shoved it into a small pouch in his boot.
"Filthy creature. You were trained to find them not eat them."
The pig grunted, unconcerned. Then its eyes widened and it fled. By then it was to late for the man. The sharp sound of breaking glass came from beneath his feet. The stream of curses which always seemed to be spiraling in the back of his mind shot out his mouth. The world around him lurched. He shook. There was an uncomfortable pressure in his boot. It spread up his leg, then up his abdomen. It was then that he panicked. What he saw was not something which should have been. His pant leg burst and out of it came something white, far whiter than the skin of his leg. It was bumpy and uneven. Mushrooms.
And it continued to spread. It went up his neck and into his mouth. His panic dulled as the first of the mushroom's effects hit him. Unearthly peace in the form of a strong hallucinogen. The forest wavered in flashes of pinks and purples. True vision faded as the mushrooms spread to cover his eyes. Still, some form of vision remained. Exactly what that vision was no man would be able to tell without years of study, but it did not matter because the one man who would care was, at that moment, fading away. The forest fighter, or forest flounderer as many would have called him, gave up his battle and became one with the forest.
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Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello and Happy Review Day!
Curse this forest. Curse it to the deities and curse it till the end of the world. Job wielded his ax like a weapon. With it he sliced his way through. He had fought this place tooth and nail since he was a child. He would fight it till the day he died. Then his children would continue his legacy. Forest fighters. He liked the ring to it though the people in the village would laugh. "You cannot fight the forest." They would say. "More like forest flounders." They would say.
There's something that is confusing me in this first paragraph. The first two sentences in it seem to be told by a narrator, then it suddenly switches to Job and his thoughts. Maybe Job should be saying the first two sentences? Leaving it how it is just doesn't make sense when I try to read it.
Woah. That ending was awesome! You wrote the action perfectly and I had no trouble imagining it. I like the idea that he hated the forest, only worked in it because he had to, then he became one with the forest. Good job!
Hi, Toady here to review an awesome piece!
Wow. The ending was not expected at all. That pig is smart as heck. I was honestly expecting for the pig to be a magic mushroom pig that got revenge against the guy's insults. (Geez, I am weird.) This was a well-crafted piece with a relatable main character and a very mood-setting word choice. I love the spooky-forest vibe it gives off.
A few nitpicks though:
"Filthy creature. You were trained to find them not eat them."
There needs to be a comma between the words 'them' and 'not'. It just makes the flounderer's annunciation of it a little weird in your head, throws you off of the train that is the story.
"And curse you too Wilbur."
One, the period needs to become an Autobot and transform into a exclamation mark. (Was that a Transformers reference or a Michael Bay reference? Is there even a difference anymore?) Two, this needs a comma. I will say you need to implant more punctuation in this piece, like semicolons and exclamation marks and parentheses, because that form makes the story all the more fun to read.
One more thing: this story could be made even better with a bit more description of what the woods is like. Are there pine trees? Oak? Does it get foggy in winter? This type of stuff enriches the story and makes them feel as if they are there with Job and Wilbur and the sociopath mushrooms, the forest surrounding it.
Overall, this was a great little anecdote. Most of the nitpicks were basically my opinion, so you don't have to change anything if you don't wish to. You have a talent for mysterious, medival-type legend stuff. The end was creepy, but not overblown, like a documentation of the progress of strangler ivy enveloping a tree. FEAR THE MUSHROOM.
- Toady
Hey, Messy here to give you a review! Shall we begin?
but hey, sometimes characters aren't!
Whoa. First off, I liked your ending. Nice and creepy and magicallish. (which should totally be a word) Anyways, I really liked how developed your world was in just a few paragraphs. I got a good feeling for the characters, the forest guy, the pig, and the forest, all rather quickly. I can't say as any of them were particularly likeable
One thing I noticed at the beginning of the story that I think got mostly remedied about halfway through, was your sentence variety. It was really short and choppy at first. Your sentences were all about the same length. It got repetitive. That's something you'll probably want to work on, but thankfully it's pretty easy to fix as a general rule.
Your detail was pretty good. Adding more detail to what the forest looks like and how it feels might be in order however. After all, this forest is magical. Wouldn't it have some aura about it, maybe ev3en some physical features that seemed different? Just food for thought.
Overall not bad. I thought it an interesting concept from what could be an intriguing novel.
~Messy
Wow. That ending. Just... Wow. Yeah, beware the forest. I also liked the reference. As for the writing itself, I may be tired, but this guy kind of grew on me, in the short amount of time that I knew him before he became one with the forest. Very well done. I wish you luck in future writing endeavors.