The wind that day was strong. Really strong, and Icari had always wanted to fly. For so long the poor boy had wanted to be free, to rid himself of all these unnecessary machinations of society.
Icari had always been a sick boy, not physically sick but still sick to the bone. I believe he called it the human condition and his was never particularly good or had ever gotten better. As a skeptical boy, he would always question the sensibility of what made sense to the people around him especially his parents who were so very religious. As a young he went to mass, it was his ritual routine and for a very long time it made sense until one day it did not. Sitting in the pews and listening to someone peddle you with teachings of a God so ever distant and silent but yet take what little you have hoping that you are content with the idea that this offering shall serve as investment for your blissful afterlife. All these given Icari’s sickness of the soul made him feel all the more shackled his entire life.
That day Icari wanted to fly, to fly and be free and to spit in the face of gravity full of prideful revolt. That day the wind whispered sweet secrets into Icari’s ear and Icari jumped. That day the wind embraced Icari so tightly and warmly. That day Icari grew wings so big and magnificent and the gods could not withhold their envy for his life was no longer theirs.
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140,939 Literary Works • 673,762 Reviews
Hello, Anthony. You have the honour (not really) of being my 25th review! Anywho. Let's get to it.
Right off the bat, it's a very good little piece. That's about where the compliments end - not because it's inherently bad, it's really quite good, but because it's so short. That is its main problem, according to me. You're trying to spin a new tale around Icarus and, to do that effectively, you need more space than you've given the piece. It has good bones, but there's not enough on the page. Just as Aislynn said, don't rush!
You've got a good style, despite a few annoying typos and grammar errors, and the piece will only be better if you give it more space. You clearly have the skill to write evocatively, so do it! Don't shy away from big pieces or multi-day projects. Right now, this reads more like a concept note and less like a finished piece (it's a good concept note, though).
Best of luck and I'd love to read it when you expand it
Thanks
Hello, anthonykandi! Welcome to YWS!
What I enjoy most about this story is that you take a very well-known myth and turn it into something more! For instance, I love he name Icari, and it immediately made me think of Icarus without being too on-the-nose. I've always been a sucker for reinterpretations of mythological stories, so I am a big fan of where you took this!
Because this is such a short story, my main suggestion would be expansion! Right now, it feels a little bit like I am being told the shape of Icari’s life rather than being allowed to live it along with him. I think you should add more context and expand some of the ideas you already have! You have a great foundation as-is, but I think it would be stronger if you slowed down and turned some of the explanation into scenes.
For example, you write:
I love the phrasing of being sick to the bone, especially because you clarify that it isn’t physical sickness. But I’d love to see what this looks like in Icari’s actual life. Does he lie awake at night feeling trapped? Does he stare out the window while people pray around him? Does he feel disconnected from his classmates, his parents, the priest, the town? I can't really figure out much about who he is besides being another interpretation of Icarus! That's the thing: when you are inspired by a story, you should elevate the source!
The section about religion also has a lot of potential as well, but I think it could be made more personal. My view is that the criticism of mass/religion is broad and philosophical, which fits Icari’s worldview, but I’d be interested in seeing the specific moment where it stops making sense to him. There has to be some breaking point! What does he see around him, maybe in the people, that pushes him away from religion?
Besides that, love this! My biggest advice would be: don’t rush to the jump. The more specific you make the scenes, the more interesting Icari’s desire to escape becomes. You should consider his motivations and what's leading him to his actions.
Let me know if you have any questions about this review!
Aislynn <3
Thanks for the review. I’d like to ask given the relation to Icarus’ myth ho well would you say this story has handled itself in like having an independent voice but still drawing inspiration and also do you like the subject of the story and how it was fleshed out? ( Exempt of it being rushed) thanks again for your time