Above all else we are meant to wither and bear the scars of time. Above all else our supple skin is meant to leave us when the time is ripe and for us to wear loose leather skin and to boast and dance in pride before the gods of time at our mortality and scoff in their faces that we get to live and age and death is not an enemy but a long lost friend who never stops looking for us and that at the end of it all we kiss and hug and talk long tales of our adventures in this life of all the wrong and right we do and when we look into those hollow eyes we find peace and rest.
Above all else we are to remain fragile but unbent against all the morbid tribulations of this world. Above all else we are not to fear, we are to love and love vigorously and vehemently we shall and the immortals shall look down with jealous anger at our complete disregard for that which imminently stands before us and though they hold the power of creation, we hold the power to love and to live and die and above all else we shall find beauty in all that has been made ugly for the sake of disheartening us and above all else when we face the end we face it with utter content, we face it with light and as we go forevermore into the void we shall burn Supernova.
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140,457 Literary Works • 673,229 Reviews
Hello hello! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Also: welcome to the site!!!
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This is a very poetic and evocative little piece. It feels very stream-of-consciousness - which fits the subject matter really well. We can't really compose our lives ahead of time, we just live them moment to moment, and that's the nature of aging and change and life. It feels really fitting that your prose is also building on itself moment by moment. It puts me in mind of Virginia Woolf a little bit, although I don't think I can call it free indirect discourse when there's no characters per se!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
I think you may be missing a word here? I'm not sure what is being expressed here - and it reads less like a deliberate collapse into incoherence (which would honestly fit this piece very well) and more like an accident.
This piece is very very abstract - you may want to consider adding in some more concrete sensory details to ground the reader's perspective a little more. I'm on the fence about even suggesting this, though, as I think it works well currently.
ALSO. This is not something wrong with the story but a suggestion to take or leave. The two paragraphs currently feel like they're parallel to each other, rather than the second building on the first. They both come to their own crescendos and endings. I wonder if you could do something fun with their layout on the page to express this, maybe formatting them as two columns?
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
Your run-on sentences work SO well. They have such a lovely rhythm to them, they really jump and skip along in a way that feels joyous to read. It is SO extremely difficult to do that without it feeling like a slog, so I really do applaud you for it!
This really got me! It's a very lovely idea, and not one I've seen expressed in this way before.
I'm honestly finding it difficult to pick out specific phrases because the piece has such a sense of wholeness and unity to it that I can't cut bits off without feeling like the quote lacks something - which is a real sign of how well-constructed it is!
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
This is a beautiful piece and I am looking forward to seeing more of your writing! I'd like to encourage you to hone this style, it's very distinctive and you clearly have a very good grasp of it. :]
Thanks a lot
Right off the bat, I must wonder if this does not work better as a poem... but as it stands, it's not bad! However, the lyricality of it almost undermines the prose. I think that it's better to view this as an experimental form of poetry, or like an Indo-Persian Shayari, than a traditional story.
All that being said, the work itself is so well done.
Your rage at the passage of time, at the fragility of morality, at the hard limitations of our finite existence, is harnessed and distilled into a very pure piece of writing that is exactly as long as it should be. Any shorter and it would have had no impact; any longer and it would have quickly overstayed its welcome.
There is, however, one niggle.
Even if one were to make allowances for poetic license, the nature of the piece itself necessitates proper grammar. If you were to introduce line breaks in the same vein as poetry, this would cease to be an issue but as it stands you need to do a close edit of the piece and put commas, en-dashes (or em-dashes, your call), and maybe even semi-colons in all the right places.
Aside from that - love it!
Thanks for the review, as you might have noticed the piece is experimental but thanks for the insight appreciate it and will take it in