x
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
*LOCKED*
Plagiarism.
Hey you shouldn't post lyrics by somebody else, you know? These are the lyrics from Concrete Angel by Martina McBride
Hello I will begin my critique for you now xD
YWS has a rule stating that a user must keep a ratio of 2:1 for a member's writings, meaning for every piece of writing you post, you must have have had made two review/critiques for other members. It's okay, seeing as you just joined.
First of all, it's nice and symbolic. Good job, it's not that bad.
Secondly, in your writing, neither smileys are needed nor are [i]
I would've put:
The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask,
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask,
Bearing a burden from the secret storm,
Silently wishing she was never born.
^^ or something cheesy like that.
Overall, not bad. I'd advise you use a thing I call commas, you know. Also, poetry doesn't have to rhyme, just has to flow. Don't be afraid to not rhyme, for, many poets don't even rhyme at all. It's kind of short, I'd add some more detail. It's flow needs work too, at first you talk about walking to school, then a teacher, then her dreams...? But I liked the rhyming and alliteration patterns. You used a lot of words repetitively, like 'place.' I'd advise using another word and describing this place.