I was listening to a song and I got the inspiration for this poem. Its about a girl who is playing around in the gardens of the under world.
Tears of innocence,
and a stricken cheek of rose.
A heart of wisdom,toil
silver, and gore
A creepy little horror
flick plays inside her
soul; where wings of
demons bleed crimson
cologne
Beyond a mini-skirt
lies ecstasy and divine
galore; the devil laughs
with hunger as innocence
goes
Through a trail of sin she
trots, as sneaky flowers
creep from behind;
the say "she needs a broken
heart and a pillow filled
with tears, so the devil
and his minions can
feast on her fear!"
She walks and hears a
chant;a chant in different
tongues making her the puppet
but her soul is what they
want
She screams and laughs
with the minions on her
side, a blue hat on her
hair , and a pain in her
heart
She walks and sores with
her fainting devil wings
Until the clock ticks twelve
and with a raising hand of
anger he comes and takes
her...
with her pretty little dreams
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Hey there!
I do think that you could, perhaps, make the subject (as Snoink said) slightly clearer throughout the poem. If you have to tell people what it's about, then you need to make that more explicit in the poem! But, your concept and writing is lovely.
This was a very original poem! I absolutely loved it.
One thing:
Should it be 'they say'?
~Amy
I loved this, I have no more word than that. I don't have anything to criticize so it makes this pointless, but I wanted you to know.
Hello Angel!
I want you to do something for me. Do it! Look at my signature; the one about the poetry. This poem is that one or two poems that makes it all worthwhile.
I can't really find too many things to nitpick about, which is making me have a minor aneurysm right now, but I'll be okay.
I like that the flowers are sneaky and creepy.
Personally, I'd put a comma after "tongues" to make it a little clearer.
I think this is my favorite stanza, because of the way you make her seem insane, like she belongs there, like every being there wants to be in control but they know that she is. I also like how you describe one thing about her appearance: the blue hat. Then you follow it up with something about her well-being. The two are totally unrelated yet sound so pleasing together in a stanza.
I noticed you call it "A Little Creepy Poem." I think it needs a title, because from reading it we can tell it's creepy. I'd call it "Pretty Little Dreams," because it's the last line and ties the poem to the title, and that's what it's about.
I really enjoyed reading this poem and hope to see much, much more from you.
Take care and keep up the good work!
-Vanadis
hey there
.. thanx alot for reviewing the posts were realy helpful! The name of the song is: walking on air by kerli-for those who wanted to know!!
wow maybe i don't have to worry about you becoming a gold digger wendy cause you do have some talent for a cuban lol just kidding
your poem is really good i like the rythm and flow that it has makes me wonder whats going on in that head of yours
as for the grammer well you know im a dud at it so yeah your on your own there but yeah its a really good poem you should show mrs. aldridge
Hey Angel, welcome to YWS! Hope to see you on later.
My favorite verse is this, actually:
Me? Like the hint of sex? Never! XD
I think you can improve, however! You had to tell us that it was about a girl who was playing around in the gardens of the underworld... a bad sign! It's never a good thing when you have to describe what your poem is about to your readers. See if you can convey that information in your poem without having to have a note in the beginning.
Also! The last line is kind of confusing. You say this, "he comes and takes / her... / with her pretty little dreams." What pretty little dreams? You described a horror show... there's nothing pretty about that! See if you can tweak it so that line makes sense, or remove the line completely.
Hope that helps! See you around YWS!
Awesome poem! I loved it!!! I don't know much about the formatting/rythm/whatever else there is of a poem (and by that I mean I know nothing
). However, I do know quite a bit about spelling and grammar (although I won't focus on the latter since poetry never seems to abide by it anyway, 
)! You didn't have many mistakes that I noticed, but there were a few.
I think you mean they say?
This is just me being nit picky, but there should be a space after the semicolon.
There's an unnecessary space after hair.
In this context, it should be spelled soars.
Just wanted to say that that's my favorite part, especially the last line!
So, obviously, you had no major mistakes in the way of grammar, at least. (As I said before, I know nothing about the technical stuff of poems.) The errors you had where essentially just typos that you may want to fix. Anyway, I really loved your poem. It's extremely awesome!!! And like empress, I really want to know the name of that song!
Fantastic job,
~Becki
I loved it. What's the name of the song? Because I want to hear it
It reminds me of, I don't know, a twisted mash-up of alice in wonderland and the secret garden.
Great job, you did a great job with imagery.
The first stanza was superb
EDIT: that soung... is amazing. O.o Thank you.