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she.

by amelie



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Sat Nov 11, 2017 7:06 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey amelie! :) First off I have to say, you are really talented - honestly your poetry is breathtaking, nostalgic, and beautiful.

I remember reading and reviewing the other version of this poem back earlier this year I think, but you've certainly changed it up.

Most of my criticism will be in tiny wording things, because overall this was really strong - so there's not much to critique from the overall scale of the piece...

General Wording Critiques
I still think the "stop signs to bright red thinking" line is redundant with the note of "red thinking' because I don't think it conveys any new meaning and actually ends up limiting interpretation, maybe if the "bright red" could be linked to different summer imagery instead it would be more effective - like "tomato red" or "sunburnt red" because then at least we'd get an additional image out of the description.

Your first two lines are a strong set up though - the idea of following stop signs is a twist to how we normally think of them - and show that this started and ended as a "dead-in" relationship or person that was never going anywhere from the beginning. The idea of a person being a tally mark is great too - again it shows the temporal nature of the person/relationship being described.

One more critique in those first three lines though - I think "where" is the wrong descriptor.
"She was a tally mark where summers were following stop signs" -- the logic is hard to follow there because we technically have two "where" locations in the sentence (the summers, and the stop signs) I think that if "where" was changed to "when" it would be easier to follow. On the other hand it's kind of your style to turn around common phrasing to make something new, so perhaps the awkwardness there is intentional - although it did confuse me.

Grammar & Spelling
A couple grammar/spelling things - I think "its" in lines 5 & 6 should be "it's" and I think "summerseve" needs a space and an apostrophe as well - it looks a bit awkward smushed together like that. Besides that, no critiques - I think your punctuation and capitalization choices fit the flow and theme of the poem perfectly.

Imagery & Favorite Lines
I love the string of imagery and descriptors you have in the last two lines of stanza 1 that then mimic the content of the descriptors in the 2nd to last line of stanza 2.

The turn of phrase in lines 5 & 6 were also really strong and memorable. "and its loud right where it hurts." The fact that all of the imagery is just a little bit biting and imperfect paints this really realistic picture - because you're describing being in love with (or enthralled by) someone who is imperfect - and this reads a lot more believable than poems where everything is cheery kisses and flowers and rainbows - this shows the moments in between and the flaws that we find maybe both revolting and endearing and as you say "hard to let go".

Theme
My interpretation on theme of this poem is the speaker is describing a relationship that was supposed to be just another summer fling a tally mark in a note book - that became something they couldn't forget. The person they met was someone who can't be forgotten because they were bold and imperfect and the speaker replays in their mind all the summer moments they shared. In the last stanza the speaker reflects that the girl should have just been another person to forget, especially because of her flaws (dull-tuned), but she's became more than a tally mark or a memory - she's became a melody and a story and a connection that the speaker finds painful to let go or forget.

A lot of the recurring descriptors deal with pain - "loud... where it hurts", "achy eye-roll" and "shaking, lovely, hurting" - I think that's really interesting because either the speaker or the subject is was in pain or was causing the pain and it's difficult from the context to determine which one or why. I would love more information on that in the poem because it ends up re-occurring 3 times. I also would suggest changing one of the "hurts" or "hurting" to some different synonym because in such a short piece to use almost the same word twice is a bit repetitive when you could be adding another layer of information.

I also think the piano music metaphor at the end is some of the strongest part of the piece - but I'm not sure why it's in its own stanza - it doesn't seem like a transition or new information or even a conclusion, it just seems like a continuation of the prior piece and seems a little odd by itself. I like that (similarly to the first version) you manage to use all the five senses in this (well maybe we're missing smell... but mostly) - its a really clear reflection of a person within just a few choice lines. You did a really great job developing this piece from the first version and I think this one has really taken a different direction actually.

Please let me know if you have any questions about my review! Thanks for sharing your piece.

~alliyah




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Sat Nov 11, 2017 3:57 am
Radrook wrote a review...



Wow! This is some mighty powerful imagery you just put together there my friend.
Every single line vibrates with the vivid recollections of the poignant stimulation of the senses. Especially the description of the crooked toothed feisty damsel who was so easy to clutch but so hard to release. Had to use a crowbar to get you off eh? LOL! Then the storm and the humid weather to boot! Man that must have really been something! But youth can tolerate such intensity. Later in life that same agitation might cause a heart attack.

But all kidding aside, this is a true masterpiece which draws in the reader and makes reader literally see and feel what the poet is saying. Thanks for the read and keep up the good work!.




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Sat Nov 11, 2017 3:17 am
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marms says...



i love it <3 ;-;





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