I lay without breath,
As cold as death.
The soft whisper of hands
Hidden by deeper demands.
My body an empty shell,
Feels like falling into an endless well;
My soul will wander
Leaving something to ponder.
Within those walls, I shall be;
Within those walls, you'll find me.
Lightning smashes,
Thunder clashes,
In my eyes a silent war
Crafted with a broken roar.
A tombstone marks my life,
Carved by a wooden knife.
I will see what death brings
Soaring on my concrete wings.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This is quite a dark and interesting poem, but its a very good one too. I think it's clever how you've created a sense of emptiness by saying out of breath, so the lungs are empty. The deep well creates a sense of emptiness. Saying that within walls is where they'll be probably only them also creating a sense of emptiness and lonelyness. But I think at times the rhyms seem a bit forced and doesn't allow the poem to flow as well as it could where as 'The soft whisper of hands, Hidden by deeper demands' flows well and the rhyme doesn't seem forced at all, it all blends in intelligently together well. I enjoyed the poem and hope my review will help you with your further work.
Thanks guys. And I know it has a few problems, of course almost everything does. Its not perfect but I'm glad you guys liked it. Hope you guys keep reading.
I really, really liked this. The imagery was amazing, I could visualize the statue and how it would look. I dont see any problem with your rhythm in fact i rather liked it and the way it didn't rhyme was a breath of fresh air. My favorite line was 'Crafted with a broken roar.'
Anger~
First of all the title is very good as it immediately catches my attention, though I do think that the way the title is phrased in the poem, "concrete wings," sounds just a little bit better as a title than "Wings of Concrete." But that's just me. Anyway, you don't have any major problems with rhythm here. I'm not a huge fan of rhyming but you didn't do anything too offensively jarring here with the rhymes, though rhyming "breath" and "death" has to be the most cliche rhyming pair ever. Overall this poem is about a very broad, common subject but a few unique images set it apart from others, particularly the concrete wings, but it could be even better. Nice work.
I TOTALLY AGREE!!
Very nice poem
I quite enjoyed reading this. The wording you had, the flow, the rhymes, they all just made this poem great 
I really hope to read some more of your writing soon!
-FireandIce326
Whoa. This is...good. I absolutely love the title. It is very evocative, and makes me think of a statue of a fallen angel lost amid the skyscrapers of a city. In fact, the entire poem was rich in imagery. It deals beautifully with such dark things as despair and death. Very graceful and lyrical. One nitpick: "mard" should probably be "mark." An inconspicuous speck in a vast ocean of grandeur. I applaud you.
Hello there
This is not completely bad. The problem I had though was the lack of punctuation; there are places in there that could have used a comma, a fullstop etc. So as I read this it just seemed like a list that was supposed to be a poem. You know punctuation can really help the reader feel the emotion and message you are trying to deliver. This was just bland because of that and maybe I confused the sentences. I did like though how you tried to keep consistent rhyming so good job on that part.
Keep writing
a bit of a creepy poem..