A Dutiful Bride
On some level, Elizabeth had always felt that she would leave Harry. Standing at the altar on their wedding day, dressed divine as a dutiful bride should be, she could already feel her love waning. And now, lying next to his great unmoving heap of a body, Elizabeth felt nothing but a saddening sense of pity for the man whose child she had once been so eager to carry.
Elizabeth embraced the idea of marriage, the safe haven of the home one could create with a husband, secure in the knowledge that one’s relationship had been solidified both by the church and the state. But while the other girls had imagined their perfect weddings and envisioned their perfect groom, Elizabeth imagined how she would leave him. She relished the salty aftertaste of drama, the tension of the tears caught in the lump at the back of her throat. Emotions evoked during the abandonment of a union were surely far more real than any displayed during a wedding. Endings always feel like more than beginnings do.
Still, Elizabeth hadn’t anticipated leaving Harry so soon into their marriage. What tempted her to leave was the nagging feeling that the longer she waited, the less likely she was to do it. What had started out as once I’ve recuperated from the novelty of marriage, had turned into someday, once the children are grown and in college. The longer she waited, the more domestic she found herself becoming and the more domestic she found herself becoming, the stronger she found the itch to leave.
And that is how Elizabeth found herself lying in bed, next to her heap of a husband, feeling this discontent with married life, and counting her daughter’s wails from the next room. If she cries three more times, Elizabeth thought, then I’ll leave tonight. I’ll go into Becky’s room, pack her up and we’ll go. Yet, even as Elizabeth swung her feet out of bed at Becky’s third cry, she knew she wouldn’t leave tonight, just as she hadn’t left last night, or the night before that. Elizabeth padded the familiar path from her bedroom to Becky’s so that she could swoop Becky up into her arms and nestle her against her chest.
The problem with Harry, Elizabeth thought; trying for the nth time to justify her yearning to leave, is that he’s ordinary. He’s stale; he’s stagnant; he’s plain. He’s too content for Elizabeth to lead any sort of interesting life with. Why, he’s too much of a bore for her to raise a child around in good conscience, unless she wanted her daughter to grow up to be about as intriguing as a communion wafer. Elizabeth didn’t know how she’d live with herself if she allowed Becky to be around such infernal boredom as Harry would provide. She felt a puff of warm breath against her skin as Becky's head lolled into the curve of her neck.
Maybe tomorrow.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey alurie!
You have a nice, smooth style, which is good! The next step is making this story an enticing story that the reader can sink his teeth in!
Now, I have a feeling this is supposed to be a character story, which is awesome. However, one of the things that really bugs me about this is you only get to see her character. And honestly, that's making her seem like some self-absorbed brat, and I don't really like that. The cool thing about having other characters interact with her is that you get a better picture of who she is. For example, because I only see her side of the story, I don't know what the relationship dynamic between them is. Why would he marry her? Why would he stay married? He seems completely one-dimensional, and it's not clear why Elizabeth would get with him in the first place, especially if he were so dull. The only reason that comes to mind is laziness. She is obviously not one to be too impressed with duty, not if her dream is to leave her husband. And, duty or not, he would notice her resentment (after all, they are married). And I don't know.
Basically, this piece needs more dimensions. Right now, it's a bit too flat. You have the narrative, you have the hook. Now, give us the action.
Hi there, alurie. I am Conrad Rice, and I will be your reviewer today.
I really like your style of writing here. I mean, I really really like it. It's simple, and it flows along beautifully, and overall is just a joy to read. You've really found your voice in this work, I think.
This was the only sentence that really stuck out at me as having something not quite right in it. The part that says "And that is how Elizabeth" really doesn't fit with the piece as a whole, in my opinion. Likewise with the phrase "feeling this discontent". I would suggest you replace the first phrase with "So Elizabeth" and the second phrase with "feeling discontented". In my opinion, it would help the work as a whole to flow.
I would also like to see you expand this a little more. As it is, it just feels like a character sketch. If you were to make this more like a story, with a bit more resolution at the end, I think it would be a much better piece.
So, that's all I've got so far. Rather superb, in my opinion. You just need to work with it a little. PM me if you have any questions. Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice
Hey! Welcome to the site! I hope you love it here, its awesome!
So this was very good for a first post my friend! I only found 1 mistake:
Was that supposed to be "ninth"?
But I thought this was interesting, it was little repetitive but hey that could just be me
Once again, good job and welcome! Hope to see you around the site! Feel free to PM me with any questions!
-Irish