She
is sea-glass
smoothed
strong and pure
by
years of tugging against life,
by spitting out the sand,
and
finding home again.
She can
spot a turning tide
before
the ocean
and she leaps and dances
to the subtle
song of wind in grass,
before
anyone else can hear it.
She sings to the moon to coax away
the dark when even the sun
has given up hope.
Her song delivered with a smile,
even when the light does not come.
And I am her daughter,
who is gritting sand
between my teeth and
gasping to catch my breath
while lost under stray waves.
Sometimes I find myself
plugging my ears tight
as she sings her love-lullabies
and I carelessly miss the song
of time and nature passing.
She is strength and she is wisdom,
though she cannot protect me
from all the world.
But I will not fear the ocean for I know
I can always follow her voice back home.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Re-wrote this in 2022 as a song version...
(has a bit more rhyme!)
She is sea-glass
made strong and sure
by years of fighting
against life's shore.
She is sea-glass
always spitting out the sand
and finding home again.
She can spot a turning tide
before the ocean can,
she's always leaping
while she dances
to the subtle of the song
of the wind in the grass
she hears before anyone else can
she has no fear
she sings to the moon
to coax away the night
even when the light is failing.
She is sea-glass
made strong and sure
from years of fighting
against life's shore.
She is sea-glass
always spitting out the sand
and finding home again.
And I am only her daughter
who is always gritting sand
between my teeth, and
I am only her daughter
whose lost my way
while caught under stray waves
sometimes I find myself
holding my ears tight
drowning out her lullabies
sometimes I find myself
missing out the song
that has carried me along.
She is sea-glass
made strong and sure
by years of fighting
against life's shore.
She is sea-glass
always spitting out the sand
and finding home again.
She is strength and
she is wisdom, though
she cannot protect me
from all the raging sea
but I will not fear the ocean
for I know, I can always follow
her voice back home.
We are sea-glass
made strong and sure
from years of fighting
against life's shore.
We are sea-glass
always spitting out the sand
and finding home again.
Thanks for sharing your interpretation Alice! Glad you enjoyed!
Hi!
I don't like the phrasing of this line because it's reactive rather than pro-active. I want to see her as someone who swims for the tide, rather than sees it and waits for it to catch her up in its path. You could easily change this to 'and dive into' or 'and catch herself in'. Something that shows she takes control of this.Specifics
1. Your title caught my attention so nice choice there and I like that you jump straight into the sea imagery. You could maybe drop the 'like' in the first line as I think the metaphor use would be stronger than the simile and it would really exaggerate the alliteration, which I love by the way.
2. In general, the imagery of stanza one is spot on.
3.
4. Try to stick to the present tense - it's a good pick for this poem.
5.
6. I think the last line would be more powerful as 'even when the light doesn't come' or 'Even when the light refuses'.
7. I'm not sure about the fourth and fifth stanzas - they feel like they stall a bit and don't have as strong imagery/ are both saying the same thing. Maybe you could combine them?
And I am her daughter,
sand gritted between my teeth,
gasping under stray waves
and sometimes I lose her lullaby,
only heeding the lashing ocean.
Overall
The last stanza is lovely and I think as a whole this poem really shows the strength of these women and their relationship and the metaphors work nicely! I've not really got anything to add and lunch is almost over so farewell and best of luck with any edits!
~Heather
Thanks for your helpful review Rydia!
Hi there!
I'm going to ~attempt~ to review this, but you didn't make it easy. I love the language and the extended ocean metaphor and all the related metaphors: it's not so much a single extended metaphor as a bunch of closely related, interlocking metaphors. I also like how you show the differences between the mother and the daughter but also their love for each other.
I'm not quite sure what this means. What is she smiling in victory about? In what way might she not be victorious? I feel like it's supposed to be in reference to her "coaxing away the dark," but I'm not sure.
This stanza's kind of hard to follow. I think it's because each action or description flows right into the next. Like if you try reading it as a sentence, it's:
"more often," "with," "before," "while," all those words linking these things together. I stumbled over it, and then it took me a couple read-throughs to get what was going on. At least I think I got it. I feel like a little separation would help, whether in the form of punctuation or different words to make the actions feel more like separate thoughts or sentences.
Unless your intent was for this to be confusing/rushed, but from the overall feel of the poem I don't think that's the case.
Hey Blue, thanks for all of your detailed comments. I absolutely agree with you on the bit about that one stanza being a little lacking in flow - after posting the piece I noticed I had put the words "caught"/"catch" like three or four times in the short piece, and twice in that stanza, so went back and tried to move words around which did end up making it a little difficult to follow. I'll see what I can do to edit on some of those points. Thanks again for your time and help!
I really love this: I love the tone, the language, and it also really resonates with me. Your imagery is excellent.
The title doesn't do this justice at all though.
But, your writing is really, really good.
I particularly liked the imagery around sea-glass and the last stanza. It was a good end to a poem because it inspired the reader.
Thank you, titles are hard! I'll see what I can do.
it is a review.
.and you have very good sense of emotions. it shows the true feelings towards your mother. very touching and strong. I truly love it. so easy words and strong too. good one my friend. please keep writing for all of us and wish you a bright future..good luck.
very nice indeed.I liked your words in here and how easy way you explained your thoughts. It was so lovely