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Sunbathing in August

by alliyah, tgirly


Last day to swim in the summer baked river,
we sisters lounge on towels sunbathing,
laughing at the sun and sand between toes,
drunk on summer memories and bitter
at the promise of autumn coming soon.

A young man runs toward us, toes kicking sand,
he shouts "the water's fine" more an invitation
than judgement on the frigid August waves.
We laugh because it's the easiest response
and he shrugs, undaunted, and runs straight
into the river, attempting something caught
between a cartwheel and a fish out of water.

And when we retell the tale, of the boy's flirting
cartwheels and our sun-poisoned giggles,
he shall be our Poseidon and he
shall command these waters around us
before our song tempts him to shore before
our summer fades to myth tinted memories.


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8 Reviews


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Reviews: 8

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Tue Jan 22, 2019 4:36 pm
MaybeInk says...



<333333




alliyah says...


thanks ink! <3



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274 Reviews


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Tue Jan 22, 2019 6:03 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi my YWS Friend @alliyah I am here to do I review on you poem song.

what I liked about the hole thing
I must say this was a very nice song poem to read I loved it, I just wish that I could here you sing this, I feel like the lines flow so well, I felt like this song was easy to understand as well, I do think that there are some lines that could do with a bit of improving to me.

what lines I really liked

Last day to swim in the summer baked river,
I really loved how you started this of, I feel like it was the right line to put in here, I do think that there is one word that you could take out of here, and another word that you could ad an ing to it, so as you no I will put this in suggestions, and there I will change it around a bit.

We laugh because it's the easiest response
Lol easiest response, I think this line is funny in away.

What needs a bit of work

Last day to swim in the summer baked river,
so as you no I said that is was going down into suggestions so down it plops.

laughing at the sun and sand between toes,
I also feel like this line needs a bit of work on it, some things to be dun, so I am going to put this in suggestions for you, also just to tell you I am going to take out sun for I feel that word is not making to much sens with the line.

[quote]our summer fades to myth tinted memories.[quote] okay never heard of the word in bold here so not really shore what that word means if you could explain it to me that would be grate.

Suggestions

1: Last day swimming in the summer baked river,
2: laughing at the and sand between our toes,
So that is all I can say about this lovely song, also if I came across as being to harsh then I am really, really sorry about it, So keep up the grate song writing here.

@EagleFly out to seek and kill




alliyah says...


Thank you for this great review EagleFly! I was glad to see you had commented, and I appreciate your different points of advice and comments. :)

Oh! And the word "myth" means like a legend, or a fairy-tale - something "make-believe" - so the narrator is saying, that she's going to sort of stretch the stories about the summer when the summer ends because her memories have become a little bit - "myth-tinted".

Thank you so much again!



Dossereana says...


Welcomed also sorry about the late reply I did not really see this until now. :)



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543 Reviews


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Tue Jan 22, 2019 5:33 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello. Shikroa here with a review.

Let's get to it.
Now I really liked reading this poem. It was very well written. But I did see one thing and I'll point that out right away.

he shouts "the water's fine" more an invitation
than judgement on the frigid August waves.

Now you do way his shouting here, so a exclamation mark should be after fine. it would make it feel more like his shouting. But that's all I could see.

The flow of this poem is really good. I didn't have any problems what so ever. I think your punctuation is really good, other then that small mistake.
The other thing I like is the name to your poem, when I first saw it I thought it sounded interesting so I came to have a little look. And boy and I glad I did. It was really fun to read and it got me hooked with just the first line.
It gave me a few good laughs, which was nice.
I think you did a brilliant job, and I look forward to seeing more of your works on YWS soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora.




alliyah says...


Thanks for your suggestions! And comments Shikora! I'm glad you enjoyed the piece. :)





Your welcome. I hope to see another great poem soon! :D




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