Young Writers Society

Hi my YWS Friend @alliyah I am here to do I review on you poem song.

what I liked about the hole thing
I must say this was a very nice song poem to read I loved it, I just wish that I could here you sing this, I feel like the lines flow so well, I felt like this song was easy to understand as well, I do think that there are some lines that could do with a bit of improving to me.

what lines I really liked

Last day to swim in the summer baked river,

I really loved how you started this of, I feel like it was the right line to put in here, I do think that there is one word that you could take out of here, and another word that you could ad an ing to it, so as you no I will put this in suggestions, and there I will change it around a bit.

We laugh because it's the easiest response

Lol easiest response, I think this line is funny in away.

What needs a bit of work

Last day to swim in the summer baked river,

so as you no I said that is was going down into suggestions so down it plops.

laughing at the sun and sand between toes,

I also feel like this line needs a bit of work on it, some things to be dun, so I am going to put this in suggestions for you, also just to tell you I am going to take out sun for I feel that word is not making to much sens with the line.

[quote]our summer fades to myth tinted memories.[quote] okay never heard of the word in bold here so not really shore what that word means if you could explain it to me that would be grate.

Suggestions

1: Last day swimming in the summer baked river,
2: laughing at the and sand between our toes,
So that is all I can say about this lovely song, also if I came across as being to harsh then I am really, really sorry about it, So keep up the grate song writing here.

@EagleFly out to seek and kill

Hello. Shikroa here with a review.

Let's get to it.
Now I really liked reading this poem. It was very well written. But I did see one thing and I'll point that out right away.

he shouts "the water's fine" more an invitation
than judgement on the frigid August waves.

Now you do way his shouting here, so a exclamation mark should be after fine. it would make it feel more like his shouting. But that's all I could see.

The flow of this poem is really good. I didn't have any problems what so ever. I think your punctuation is really good, other then that small mistake.
The other thing I like is the name to your poem, when I first saw it I thought it sounded interesting so I came to have a little look. And boy and I glad I did. It was really fun to read and it got me hooked with just the first line.
It gave me a few good laughs, which was nice.
I think you did a brilliant job, and I look forward to seeing more of your works on YWS soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora.