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An ideal boyfriend

by alliecat98


first page of a script ( finding an ideal husband ) this was for my writing camp

Two women gossip about their boring life

Veronica: so anything interesting happen in your life yet

Desire: no nothing as always. I wish someone would just die

than we could get their money and have something to talk about

Veronica: you mustn’t say that we don’t want anyone to die

Desiree: what about are awful aunt Madge she’s got tones of

cash

Veronica: I wish no harm to come upon here

Desiree : this is boring lets go scope out dome cute boy

May belle talks about Arthur

Mr. bob: hello may bell how interesting to see you here. Has my lowlife snake

of a son arrived yet

May belle; why do you call him a lowlife

Mr. Bob: because he does nothing he doesn’t even have a job

May belle; oh don’t say that he is working very hard to find

something and I’m sure he will find something soon. He is rather quite

charming. He acts in local theater

Mr. Bob: that’s very nice of you to say but where this theater

going to get him

May belle: theater can get him many friends and keep him

happy until he finds a job. You should come and visit more

Mr. Bob: oh I never go anywhere, except sometimes I go to

the y to workout

May belle: ohh I love the y. there are always such interesting

people there

Mr. bob: hum I don’t

find them interesting

Maebelle: I would like to inform you I am making your son a

better man and he is coming along very nicely. He is almost precentable

Mrs green and mrs marsh meet alongdon’t get along

Lady green: good evening gertty so kind to let my friend

ineven though she isint on the list

Mrs marsh: ah mrs green and I used to dance and swim together

Mrs green: did we. Ahh yes you were the little clumsy girl.

And you almost drowned

I would like to meet you husband mrs marsh his book is so

intresting

Mrs marsh : it was a childrens book mrs green

Mrs green : I can still enjoy it

Mrs marsh: I suppose so but idont think you too

would get along


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132 Reviews


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Sat Aug 10, 2013 1:46 am
Legibletext wrote a review...



Really well done, I see where you got inspired by Oscar Wilde, which is saying something because he was a literary Genius. :)

But may I just make on suggestion, add some stage direction. Stage direction is vital and just as important as the characters lines.

But that aside, good job man.

Legy,




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381 Reviews


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Fri Aug 09, 2013 5:16 pm
Dreamy wrote a review...



Hey Alli,
Dreamy here to review. I was so happy to see a theatre work after so long. So a special thanks to you. And the title was good,basically it drew me in. As of to start with your work it's very messy.The idea is clear,the characters are understandable, I was able to understand what was going on but with difficulty. I think the difficulty is because of the format or the way you have presented it. Presentation is very important when it comes to submission of a work,so I suggest you to work on that. The dialogues are funny. And I liked it.

This is a very interesting work, keep writing.!!!!

Cheers!!!




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Fri Aug 09, 2013 5:10 pm
KnightTeen wrote a review...



Hey, HT here to review. You have a really good plot going here, but your appearance and grammar needs some work.

In a script, first you introduce the characters. The format that is typically used by most playwrights is this:

VERONICA. Followed by a short, one sentence description.

Then, you describe the setting. You started to do that here, but all you said was "Two women gossiping. That's more of a character description then a setting description. Where are they gossiping? Are they sitting down? Standing? What are they wearing? What is the current time period? Usually a setting description is 3-4 sentences, and is at the beginning of each act or section of the play. As time goes on and the setting changes, you note that in the play so that in the future the people who are acting it know where to move and when.


Overall grammar corrections: You need to capitalize the first letter of every sentence and the first letter of the first word a character speaks. You need to use more punctuation, I see a very surprising lack of periods and commas here. Every time a character stops talking, there needs to be a period.


Mr. Bob: oh I never go anywhere, except sometimes I go to

the y to workout The 'Y" should be capitalized, every time it is mentioned.

May belle: ohh I love the y. there are always such interesting

people there

Mr. bob: hum I don’t find them interesting This is one sentence and didn't need to be separated.

Maebelle: I would like to inform you I am making your son a better man and he is coming along very nicely. He is almost precentable Same thing here. And you misspelled presentable.

Mrs green and mrs marsh meet alongdon’t get along At the end of every Mrs. Mr. or Ms. there needs to be a period. And they always begin with a capitol, much like names do.

Lady green: good evening gertty so kind to let my friend

ineven though she isint on the list There's a lot of mistakes in this sentence, I'm assuming that 'Gerty' is a name, 'ineven' is meant to be 'in even' and isint is 'isn't'

Mrs marsh: ah mrs green and I used to dance and swim together

Mrs green: did we. Ahh yes you were the little clumsy girl.

And you almost drowned

I would like to meet you husband mrs marsh his book is so

intresting

Mrs marsh : it was a childrens book mrs green

Mrs green : I can still enjoy it

Mrs marsh: I suppose so but idont think you too

would get along


Okay, like I said, I like the idea that you have here. But you need to correct the grammar, and get e handle on the conversation. It's all over the place and hard to understand. I think that if you work on this a little more you can improve your writing.

Peace,
HT





It takes as much imagination to create debt as to create income.
— Leandro Orr