"Papa! Papa! Tell us the story of King Tristan , and his adviser Chandler. Please papa, please tell us." the two, red-headed, little girls came racing into the living room. The older gentleman, his hair gray and hands rough from years of pottery making, sunk down into a chair, seated in front of the fire, before placing his two young daughters on his lap.
"Girls, I've told this story a thousand times," he said obviously exhausted, " but I guess it wouldn't hurt anyone to tell it again."
* * *
The ruby red drapes hung from floor to ceiling over the ornate, milky white tinted, windows , lined with golden trim. A blood red runner went from the enormous black doors, a black blacker than the eyes of the darkest angel, to an equally large, sunshine gold, throne. Upon which sat Minora, a cruel unappealing woman by nature, who ruled the land with an iron fist and a witches broom.
* * *
"Papa we know this part, just skip to the part with Tristan," young Elena interrupted. Her father took this moment to sit, and contemplate her request.
"Alright I suppose we could just move on the the part with Tristan," he said hoarsely.
"And Chandler!" piped in little Kaylein.
"Okay, Okay we'll skip to when King Tristan was a teen.
* * *
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
I love the story so far, but a few suggestions:
I would break this part up a little:
"Papa! Papa! Tell us the story of King Tristan , and his adviser Chandler. Please papa, please tell us." the two, red-headed, little girls came racing into the living room.
"Papa!Papa!" the two fiery haired girls squealed their nightgowns flowing behind them as they raced into the living room.
"Tell us a story, please papa," Elena pleaded her lip sagging into a pout when she noticed he was about to decline.
"Yeah, the one about King Tristan and his adviser Chandler," Kaylein suggested.
But other than a few things like that I love it, hope to read more!
I love this it's a pretty good beginning.I agree with themessenger if you talked about them sitting around and add a few details about the setting it would almost pull me completely into the story.It would make me feel like I was there.But other than that I love how this story was written.I can't wait to see more.
This is a really good beginning, but I have a few suggestions.
Use a little more time to describe the girls coming to their father. Show a little more him siting down, remembering past times where he's told the girls the story. Also, describe just a tad what the girls and king look like. And explain where they are.
Now this story sounds pretty good. I want to know who Tristan and Chandler are. Good job getting me interested in the story. I want to see the next chapter.
By the way, welcome to YWS! You'll enjoy it I'm sure.
Keep it up!
This is an interesting start to what sounds as if could be a good story. The descriptions are very nice, particularly 'the ruby red drapes hung from floor to ceiling over the ornate, milky white tinted, windows , lined with golden trim', it portrays the scene nicely. You say that grammar is not your strong point; however, it was not the grammar that I found flawed, but rather the punctuation-there were points in which a comma or semicolon might've been useful, for example 'The older gentleman sunk down into a chair, seated in front of the fire. Before placing his two young daughters on his lap' could have been 'The older gentleman sunk down into a chair which was seated in front of the fire, before placing his two young daughters on his lap.'
As this is only the first part of the story, I can't really say much on the actual story itself, since there is not really enough information given regarding a plotline, though if you intend to write more this will obviously become apparent. One thing I might suggest; if the main story with plotline is being told from the father of the two girls, then it might be best to really focus on the way the father tells the story as if it were a separate story of its own, with the father as the narrator, even if it doesn't sound like the way a real person would tell a story to young children. Making it seem as if it is simply a bedtime story without any further elaboration will be unlikely to hold the reader's interest for very long. If, however, this is in fact part of a larger story involving the father and his daughter, then it doesn't really matter how the father tells the story.
All in all a nice beginning, but a few adjustments here and there might just help it flow a little easier.
Hey, Runawaylove here to review!
First of all, you need to work on the title. Something more catchy or something that speaks of adventure would do. Another thing is that the story shifts all of a sudden. Maybe you could tell a bit more of the story the older man was saying. You did not give any description of the characters which made it hard for me to relate with the story.
I think you have a very interesting story to tell. But this is very short and very prompt. Try to use more descriptions and pace the story in a way the readers can follow. I wish there was more. Okay, that's all. hope you found this review helpful. PM me if you have any questions.
Grammar and I are not the best of friends. We have a mutual understanding that we don't quite understand each other, so please don't comment about grammar I will do my best to fix it later. I just wanted to get my idea out of my head,(its pretty dangerous up there) and receive some feedback. Thanks