"Sire!" Chandler came bursting through the doors, his long hair flying behind him. " I must speak with you, Tristan."
"Chandler, I am particularly busy at this moment. Plus, you've dented my meticulously carved doors by charging in here like a barbarian!" Tristan said, not pausing to look up from his book.
"Please sire, its urgent... it has to do with..." Chandler paused, then whispered "... magic." Tristan swung his head around, eyes burning.
"NEVER speak of magic to me!" Tristan yelled. Chandler flinched, his highness never yelled at him.
"But sire, one of the knights is using dark magic to best others in the tournament," Chandler's voice was reduced to that of a mouse.
"What! One of my knights using magic? Impossible!" Tristan looked as if his head was about to explode. " How dare you accuse one of my knights of sorcery! Have you any proof, or is this just a hunch?" Tristan questioned.
"I can prove it, highness." Chandler muttered, his eyes fixed on the floor. "Speak up, Chandler. You know that I hate it when you mumble." Tristan sighed.
"Follow me, sire. I can prove that what i'm saying is the truth." Chandler spoke confidently. He strode out of the room, convinced Tristan would follow. They walked through the halls, Tristan greeting the knights that roamed around, then continuing on. They came to a rather abrupt stop in front of a knights chambers.
"These are Bishop's rooms." Chandler whispered.
"I know who's rooms these are." Tristan retorted.
"Sire, look through this crack." Tristan did as he was asked, "Look at the shield, the one with the three red and black snakes."
"Chandler, I don't see anything wrong with it. Its just a shield." Tristan shrugged.
"Please, I saw the shield come alive." Chandler struggled with the words.
"Do you truly believe, Bishop to be guilty of using magic in the tournament?"Tristan asked, rubbing his eyes. Chandler nodded his head. "Then I believe you, but we need proof. Who can we go to, who can we ask...?" Tristan puzzled over it for a minute.
"Lady Parker! She can help us, of course she hasn't been at court in years." Tristan laughed.
"Sire, who is Lady Parker?" Chandler had his eyebrows raised high over his green eyes.
"She's an old friend of mine. She is the most beautiful lady in all the land. You should see her, Chandler! She has fiery red hair, and the most amazing hazel eyes... Anyway, I grew up with her, of course she left when i turned sixteen. She hasn't been to court in five years now." Tristan rambled on, "That's not important, I'll write to her immediately." The two rushed back through the, milky white, castle to Tristan's chambers. He scribbled a letter to the lady. Then gave it to Chandler, to rush to the castle messenger.
"Milady, a kindly gentleman just rode in with a letter. He said it was urgent... Lady?" Said the maid knocking gently at her door. The young woman entered the room, careful not to disturb anything.
"I'm behind the screen Marie, read it to me please." the lady sighed.
"It's from his highness, Prince Tristan. It says as follows:
Lady Parker,
It has come to my attention through my trusted squire that a knight is using sorcery to win the tournament. However, I have no proof, minus that Chandler, my squire, swears the shield came to life. I believe him, lady. I am inquiring as to whether or not you would grace myself, and the court with your presence. I will not force you to come, but I need your help. I fight tomorrow afternoon, and my squire fears for my life. If you do come to court be careful, and come quickly. Yours truly,
Tristan
"Marie, find the stable boy. Tell him to prepare my horse." She said coming out from behind the screen fully dressed again.
"Yes, of course Milady." Marie exited the room. Lady Parker dug through her wardrobe shoving whatever she touched into her saddle bag. Then she methodically braided her fiery red hair down her back. Just as she was about to leave her room, she turned back to memorize it. From the satin curtains that hung over the back windows to the red four poster bed that lay in the center, even the wardrobe without all of its clothes. Then she took a deep breath, turned her back, and left the room. When she rushed out into the courtyard, she found the stable boy, Wesley, waiting for her. Deisel, her horse, glittered obsidian black in the moonlight. She leaped onto the saddle, thanked Wesley, and was on her way. She rode on the old beaten path towards the castle, her heart pounding in time with the hooves of her horse. The two galloped towards the castle, they would make it there by morning. She rode under the protection of the moon. Day break came after what seemed like eternity, and finally she came upon the milk-white castle.
The black stallion thundered through the gates, a hooded figure crouched over its neck. Braying loudly, the horse reared, scattering the crowd that had gathered. Villagers tried to help the rider down, but the horse would not allow it, as only one person would do. The stallion brayed again, looking around the courtyard.
The prince ran from the castle, Chandler right behind him,
"Move! Everybody just move!" The people did as he commanded.
"Chandler, grab the reins. Easy boy, easy." he cooed to the horse. Then slowly, very slowly, he took the rider from the saddle. He embraced his old friend.
"You should not have ridden alone," he whispered to her. "You gave me no other choice," she whispered back.
"Chandler, take her horse to the stables, please. Put him in the stall next to my horse." He commanded. Then started towards the palace, holding her in his arms.
"Tristan put me down." An elegant voice commanded.
"I have two legs. I'm perfectly capable of walking," she commanded again.
"As you wish," he let out a laugh as he set her on the ground. Then purposely gave her hood a tug, revealing her to the crowd.
"Tristan!" She hissed. Scrambling to put the hood back on. He caught her hands.
"They're going to find out anyway, and your hair is too lovely to cover it up the way you do," Tristan said, waving off a servant girl that had emerged from the palace.
"Shall we?" He asked offering his arm.
"Of course," she laughed and took his arm, completely forgiving him for his transgression. They walked arm in arm laughing and talking, through the palace's marble halls. They caught everyone's attention as the crowned prince, himself, walked the Lady to her rooms.
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hi!
So first I want to day this was interesting to read. I get the feeling this is sort of middle ages as well. I must say it has a good start. You have pretty solid characters. I can tell that Chandler is sort of the underdog in a way and Tristan is the ideal prince/king. I think you should add in a few more details about the palace. I think it would be great to describe the village people and how small or big the area is.
In addition I think you should describe Lady Parker more but in a slower manner. I feel like she jumped straight into the story without a proper introduction.
Another point I want to say is to pace the story. It felt very fast(this isn't necessarily bad) but you want the story to go at a good pace. Also space the paragraphs a bit more so it doesn't look like info dump.
Overall, it was a nice read. (It reminded me a lot of the novel Goose Girl and that's a favorite of mine!)
Good luck wwriting.
' when i turned fifteen'. You need to capitalize the "i" in this sentence since this is supposed to be proper. ' The two rushed back through the, milky white, castle to Tristan's chambers.' You don't need the commas before and after "milky white". There isn't reall any reason for them and that goes for the sentence that talks about him giving the letter to the messenger.
Other than that it is really good. The beginning is simple, but keep the reader yearning for more. This has a few mistakes, but no one is perfect.
Thanks for catching the 'i' thing the program i use to type doesn't have the auto capital thing so I would have never found it on my own.
Hm... There are a lot of possibilities for this one... I'm curious to see where you will take it.
First things first:
Clean-up is necessary. Remember to start a new paragraph whenever a new person starts talking. Watch your synonyms like 'their' and 'there'. Also, there are a few spots where you need to use a semicolon instead of a coma.
Let's see...
Some sentence structure variance would be nice. I notice you often start with the subject, and 'the'. Try starting with a clause, or with an adverb.
Also, we need more sensory detail for the surroundings. You did a good job with the people, but the setting needs more.
And just so I can be more specific with my demands... here is one of the later paragraphs rewritten.
"The black stallion thundered through the gates, a hooded figure crouched over its neck. Braying loudly, the horse reared, scattering the crowd that had gathered. While people tried to help the rider down, the horse would not allow it, as only one person would do. The stallion yelled again, looking around the courtyard." Then I would start a new paragraph for the prince.
And I guess I forgot this earlier, but instead of using 'was' or 'came', just use strong verbs. You'll notice that in the first sentence I rewrote, instead of 'came thundering through', I shortened it to 'thundered'. It's a lot more dramatic, no?
Well, other than that, I like the story so far. It could have been longer, but this is good. I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this!