The sky flashes Zeus’s golden lightning.
The sky flashes Zeus’s golden lightning.
Each bolt torments the testy rippling wave.
The blinding streamers burst streaks of whitening
through space. Every teardrop falls as wet rain.
The restless earth swells and sighs at her tone.
Armies of streams carry her perfume.
Songwriters wait silently above stone,
perchéd upon the oak fluffing their plume.
The sun shyly searches amid the cloud.
Its spotlight lands among the drenched sod.
Every lake, brook, channel, hill, and mound—
Glistening like crystal– smiles with a nod.
It is a fact in this life and the next;
Nature’s beauty is universally the best.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
I really liked this one!
The imagery you provided was just great.
"The sun shyly searches amid the cloud." -I loved this line =)
I enjoy reading your writing! Keep it up!
Bit of a confusing piece, and very purple...
Line by line? Forsooth!
This is a little ambiguous; how can a noun verb another noun in this sense? I'd insert just "with" between "flashes" and "Zeus's" to clarify.
Mm. See, this is where I noticed, on the first reading, your tendency to use adjectives as crutches. You have a fantastic grasp of language, so why not invest in stronger, more vivid nouns and verbs instead of weakening your prose with an abuse of descriptive phrases?
"Every teardrop falls as wet rain." Is there another sort of rain? And the comparison between tears and rain is overcooked; why not try something more original?
Her? Who her? What tone?
...You mean the earth? Or lightning? What?
I like the comparison of birds to songwriters, but the archaic past tense of perch doesn't work here, and you need a comma between "oak" and "fluffing."
Ouch.
Wait, so now the earth is a stage? Then where are all the players?
Personification is [s]only[/s] good [s]when used cleverly[/s].
...All that trudging through mud for so little pay-off? I want my money back.
A few things:
First off what is whitening? Then there is your use of the accented e in perchéd. It doesn't sound very good, that is, it doesn't very much flow in the current context it is in. Then there is the matter of pluralism. Did you mean 'perched upon the oaks? Or maybe you mean 'perched upon the oak fluffing its plume'? In any event, that image of the 'oak fluffing its plume' seems akward. Also, who are you reffering to when you say 'her' in lines 5 and 6? Finally the last two lines, as mentioned above, seem a little akward too. Somewhat forced. But then again, the objective of the last two lines in a sonnet are supposed to act as the sort of conclusion, or 'victory'. If I've misunderstood anything, or missed anything, then forgive me. It wasn't bad ^_~
It was really interesting, and unique. Though perhaps you might break it up some more?
The sky flashes Zeus’s golden lightning.
Each bolt torments the testy rippling wave. - Oooh. Nice line.
The blinding streamers burst streaks of whitening
through space. Every teardrop falls as wet rain.
The restless earth swells and sighs at her tone. - Nice personification
Armies of streams carry her perfume.
Songwriters wait silently above stone,
perchéd upon the oak fluffing their plume. - Is the first word foreign? Sick
The sun shyly searches amid the cloud.
Its spotlight lands among the drenched sod.
Every lake, brook, channel, hill, and mound—
Glistening like crystal– smiles with a nod.
It is a fact in this life and the next;
Nature’s beauty is universally the best.
WOW. Just, just WOW. One of the best poems I've read on here. So descriptive. You certainly have a way with words. You, my good sir, are a freakishly awesome poet. KEEP WRITING!
A very well written piece. Thoroughly enjoyed the images created and the way it flowed was faultless. One small thing that perhaps I didn’t think fitted was the contrast in the last two lines with the rest. It was descriptive and powerful all the way through then it seems to almost give away too much of what it is about. Like you perhaps thought the message was a bit vague and you wanted to make it a bit clearer. I might be the only one who thinks this however and it didn’t really make it any less enjoyable to read.
I love sonnets.This was a very enjoyable read. You were faithful to the meter throughout, and this flowed very well. I think I'd change the first line slightly, so that it reads;
"The sky flashes gold with Zeus's lightning", and then tweak the title to mirror this.
I think there's an adjective too many in the second line. Maybe try;
"Every bolt torments the rippling waves."
I really liked line three.
I'd look at the rhyming here, as "wave" and "rain" don't rhyme.
I think the fifth line is a touch ambiguous. Whose tone is the earth sighing at? I think it's a touch forced, so maybe try this again.
I love the sixth line. It's a great image. If I'm being technical, I'd point out that the streams would probably wash away the perfume rather than carry it, but then, I'm not often technical.
I'd change the bit about songwriters as I'm not sure how they fit in here. They seem too small to fit comfortable amongst all your powerful images, and I think "plume" is a little forced.
I think the sestet is a tad weaker than the octet. I love "sun shyly searches." "Searches shyly" may be easier were you to read this aloud, but that could just be me! I'd caheng "cloud" to "clouds." This is a really great image. I love "its spotlight lands" but I think that the other half of the line is weaker, and you're also a syllabyl short here. I'd try the last four lines again as I think that they weaken your piece. "smiles with a nod" sounds a little strange, and the rhyme is off the the last two lines. "Nature's beauty is universally the best", is too sweet for my taste, but then, I'm a cynic, so maybe ignore me on this one.
Anyway, this was a good piece which just needs a little polish. I'm obsessed with sonnets, and would encourage you to keep at them as they get easier with practise. I love how you veered from the theme of love in this form.
I hope this helps.
Jas
This is a beautiful piece. It has a lot of imagery and attactive metaphors.
The flow is great, and the rhyming is good.
I like it! Keep it up!
Adrian, that was a very enjoyable read. Just a priliminary suggestion- the lines are a bit tedious and i almost missed that it rhymed altogether. So, in case you have forced any rhymes whatsoever, i'm just saying that you can always put someing more fitting. Here's a step by step-
The sky flashes Zeus’s golden lightning. <just wondered whether there was any particular reason that you used Zeus with the upcoming theme of the poem- to make it sound kingly, emotionally charged or maybe bringing out the unfaithfulness of Zeus?>
Each bolt torments the testy rippling wave. <i'm already liking the imagery- did you mean sky or clouds by "wave"?>
The blinding streamers burst streaks of whitening
through space. Every teardrop falls as wet rain. <there you've popped it in. It was very well placed and it makes me think back to the previous lines.....but if the lightning was metaphorical as well then i'm afraid i dont get it. which is why asked you the reason behind the title>
The restless earth swells and sighs at her tone. <'swells and sighs' is a great combo- i thought i'd tell you>
Armies of streams carry her perfume. <'armies of streams'? 'perfume? not too sure. but it was a good line>
Songwriters wait silently above stone,
perchéd upon the oak fluffing their plume. <this is the one line that confused me most- 'above stone' and 'perched upon the oak' is a conflicting meaning. maybe the oak lies fallen on the stones? "above stone"? maybe it should be 'stones' or stony way'? Also to take out the confusion with the tree i could suggest "....upon the (fallen) oak.." >
The sun shyly searches amid the cloud. <Great. That's the best image i have ever seen of the sun hidden by clouds.>
Its spotlight lands among the drenched sod. <after the storm has passed eh? Had a quarrel with the girl, huh? but I'm snatching randomly>
Every lake, brook, channel, hill, and mound—
Glistening like crystal– smiles with a nod. <mounds and hills dont really glisten but heck it's good>
It is a fact in this life and the next;
Nature’s beauty is universally the best. <I'm left wondering whether the 'her' you were speaking of is nature or whether you have decided to stare at nature's beauty after the 'storm'. Wanna clarify?>
Great job. And if there was a metaphor then i loved it. Thanks for the read.......