The Faucet is on the Fritz
This faucet is on the fritz.
Drip, Drip, Drip,
Every morning another drip.
The beads of water gather at the tip,
gaining weight with every sip.
This house is such a hell hole.
My head is buried deep beneath the foundation.
Cutting and tearing the wallpaper
and yanking away the carpet,
I attempt to deface this monster.
This car is another cut.
Tut, Tut, Tut,
Every day another tut.
The fumes escape out the butt,
burning power with every putt.
Every step and breath I take
shakes the walls.
The lines of portraits stare
blankly on my carcass.
The only sounds I hear
are
drip, drip, drip
and
tut, tut, tut.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
This faucet is on the fritz.
. But I like this as well. Great metaphor.
. PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything.
Drip, Drip, Drip,
Every morning another drip.
The beads of water gather at the tip,
gaining weight with every sip.
**I really like this first stanza. It's slightly amusing and yet you actually get feeling from it. It flowed nicely. Though the fourth line seems just a little too long and sort of messes with the rythym. Maybe change it to "Water gathers at the tip." Just a suggestion.
This house is such a hell hole.
My head is buried deep beneath the foundation.
Cutting and tearing the wallpaper
and yanking away the carpet,
I attempt to deface this monster.
**Haha, you're first line just sort of pops out here
This car is another cut.
Tut, Tut, Tut,
Every day another tut.
The fumes escape out the butt,
burning power with every putt.
**Here you sort of lost me. At first everything was okay because you were talking about the house but now you've moved on too the car which has nothing to do with the house...also you went from mildly amusing to hilarious with "The fumes escape out the butt" You might want to stick with the same voice throughout the poem.
Every step and breath I take
shakes the walls.
The lines of portraits stare
blankly on my carcass.
The only sounds I hear
are
drip, drip, drip
and
tut, tut, tut.
**The ending is really nice. You carried the tut part from the car out to the end but it still seems rather meaningless when you read it from the beginning. I think that you should mention the car in more than one stanza so that it gains an importance. Again, just a suggestion
Keep it up!
~Rieda
Oh my gosh! This poem was hilarious! Sorry I don't have time for a good review right now, but I just wanted to say that this rocks!!
Lol...
I seriously have no edits....
Well, actually, in line two of stanza three, why do you capitalize all the "tut"s???
I loved stanza's one and three!!!
Teh Wozzinator
*sniggers* That's a pretty funny line and just sounds so frustrated. However, it doesn't quite seem to flow with the rest of the stanza. Perhaps "escaping" rather than "escape". The extra syllable fits a little better.
Only other critique: "at" may be better than "on"
But I really liked this poem. The personification of the house and car problems were great.
The rhythm was great. The rhyme scheme was pretty funny the way. Kudos for getting your message across with all the rhymes. Since poetry has escaped the boundaries of conventional rhyme, I don't see it that often, or at least not in the consistent way that you wrote this. Congrats.
Great job!
~GryphonFledgling