Baseballs Fly at Your Head

'Ello there! Nice poem, I love baseball!

Baseballs fly at your head
By: Adomis76

The batter was standing, as the boy pitched. Standing, well obviously. Maybe change that to a more dramatic verbage?

The boy on the mound stood tall with the ball. Oooooooo.

The ball came at his head, he ducked and twitched. Nice line!

It was really fast to the boy now looking small. Kinda boring...

Faster than a rocket he hit the deck. Rockets hit decks? Sorry, but this line is a tiny bit confusing.

Now shaken, got up and tried to keep cool. Who doesn't? Ehehehe!!

The pitcher he noticed grimaced to check. Check what?

Now, the batter felt like he was a mule. WEESNAW!

The pitcher got ready again, and shot. Shot?

The batter ducked, dodging the screaming ball. Comma.

He got up, glared, feeling like a fried pot. What's a fried pot?

Coaches, screaming firing call after call. I can hear them in my head.

Flaming baseballs represent speed, (uh oh) ...SWING batter!

The pitch was fired… WACK!! Ready to go? Good ending!

Nice poem! Keep writing!

--LPR.

adomis76 wrote:The batter was standing, as the boy pitched. Well, duh, of course the batter was standing. As opposed to what, dancing? Change that.

The boy on the mound stood tall with the ball. "Tall" and "ball" rhyme.

The ball came at his head, he ducked and twitched. "Came?" What a bland word.

It was really fast to the boy now looking small. Whoa. What? I don't even know what this line is supposed to mean.

Faster than a rocket he hit the deck. Such a cliched comparison.

Now shaken, got up and tried to keep cool. Stuffed to the brim with dead words.

The pitcher he noticed grimaced to check. To check...what? This sounds unfinished.

Now, the batter felt like he was a mule. Um, why? That's pretty weird.

The pitcher got ready again, and shot. "Shot" is most definitely not the right word.

The batter ducked dodging the screaming ball.Comma after "ducked."

He got up, glared, feeling like a fried pot. Again, why? And would the batter please decide what he feels like?

Coaches, screaming firing call after call. Get rid of "screaming."

Flaming baseballs represent speed, (uh oh) "Represent speed?" This is really a strange way to put it.

The pitch was fired… WACK!! Ready to go?

Keep writin'.

-Kafka

adomis76 wrote:Baseballs fly at your head
By: Adomis76

The batter was standing, as the boy pitched. Good start, maybe a comma at the end though other than a full stop?

The boy on the mound stood tall with the ball. Tall and ball rhyme (duh :L) This gives an odd rhythm to this line. You may want to consider altering one of the words.

The ball came at his head, he ducked and twitched. You are unlikely to do both, personally I don't think 'twitched' is a powerful enough word.

It was really fast to the boy now looking small. What was?

Faster than a rocket he hit the deck. Lovely imagery

Now shaken, got up and tried to keep cool.Has the ball passed yet? If not, why did he hit the deck?

The pitcher he noticed grimaced to check. Grimaced? to check what?

Now, the batter felt like he was a mule. You need to say why, it's a nie thought but it isn't conveyed enough.

The pitcher got ready again, and shot. Is shot the right word?

The batter ducked dodging the screaming ball. ducked comma dodging

He got up, glared, feeling like a fried pot. I'm sorry, what's a fried pot? And why did he feel like it?

Coaches, screaming firing call after call. I really like this idea, but as you have used firing, I would change the word call for something more powerful again, such as yell or scream.

Flaming baseballs represent speed, (uh oh) I don't quite understand this line or where it fits into the rest of the poem :S

The pitch was fired… WACK!! Ready to go? Oh my bad, I didn't notice this last line when I wrote the last comment, just ignore it!

It may seem like I have a lot of changes, but most of them are really suggestions. You change change all of them, or none, or simply pick from them and just do a few. I hope this was slightly valuable!! Follow/Pm or write on my wall if you feel the need! Happy Writing!