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break away

by adelina


chapter 1

"yawn" yawned Nash as she woke up and flung her bed sheet covers off herself, while a catchy tune still playing on her music player sang "blow my whistle baby ,whistle baby here we go just put your hips together and come real close" OMGwhat just happend to the music, oh yaa she switched it off. Then she walked over to her window struggling to keep her balance flung open the window doors looked outside and sighed her turquoise eyes shining as the sun hit her pinkish high cheek-boned face. Lost in her thoughts ,when suddenly "beeeeep beeeeeep beeep" ok fine fine you win, it is her phone, she picked it up and said "Hello, Really OMG I am soooo on my way, love ya byeee" she put the phone down and staired across the room in joy and said "okkkkk so,.......... what to wear? Typical teen girl she started rummaging around her pile of clothes. After like maybe 1 and 1/2 hours she finally got dressed into a cool baggy hoody with a black loose fitting top inside and obviously shorts.She then grabbed her phone and ran downstairs but before she could leave her mom screamed from the kitchen "where are you going? why are you going? what are you doing? with whom are you going?" and guess what Nash's reply was "I'm going somewhere to do something , i'll be back at sometime and i'm going with someone so byeeee" and the she ran out the door with her scooter. Now i know i havent given you a picture of Nash's hair, well it has a partition the right side of her hair she has a fringe that curves in and then flows down as locks and on the left side she has black streaks on her thick silky brown hair which also flows down as locks. "BANG"suddenly Nash was just flung to the floor by a cycle that had hit her "ouch" he moaned as she got up rubbing her back "tommy you have got to start using your eyes", "oh my gosh Nash are you okay" said Tommy. Tommy is tall small made teenage guy around Nash's age with whitissh blonde hair and dark eyes, who also has a huge crush on Nash. "It's ok tommy I really don't need your help"."HEY i'm really sorry" said Tommy, "it's okay" replied Nash "oh good, anyways I was just wondering are you and Matt still going out??" asked Tommy in a very suspicious way, "ummmm Tommy me and Matt broke up a year ago" replied Nash in a very weirded out way.

tooo be continued


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121 Reviews


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Fri Jun 29, 2012 5:52 pm
WritingWolf wrote a review...



""yawn" yawned Nash as she woke up",
sounds kinda weird try something along the lines of "Nash yawned as she woke up."

"Then she walked over to her window struggling to keep her balance flung open the window doors looked outside"
there should be a comma between "window" and "struggling", and there should be a and or a comma between "doors" and "looked".

"Lost in her thoughts ,when suddenly"
you put the comma on the wrong side of the space. I do silly things like that to.

"ok fine fine you win"
there is ether is one to many "fine"s or you need to put a comma between them.

"After like maybe 1 and 1/2 hours"
people normally rather if you spell the numbers, "After like maybe one and a half hours"

it looks like mostly just punctuation errors, I stink at punctuation too. It sounds great, keep up the good work :)




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Fri Jun 29, 2012 11:03 am
Caesar wrote a review...



Hey there adel, Ita here to review, as promised.

So, right off the bat, the format of this needs to be modified. Try leaving a space between each paragraph, and start anew whenever somebody speaks (which is required grammatically as well as for clarity).

Okay, first sentence:

"yawn" yawned Nash as she woke up and flung her bed sheet covers off herself, while a catchy tune still playing on her music player sang "blow my whistle baby ,whistle baby here we go just put your hips together and come real close" OMG what just happend to the music, oh yaa she switched it off


I'm all for ridiculously long sentences, but mainly as a joke or if it's required for some reason. This, however, seriously needs commas. And periods. And capitalization. And serious introspective analysis ;)

First off, the 'y' in 'yawn' should be capitalized. On that note, 'yawn' is an onomatopoeia, which means that it's not needed between speech-marks.
Try: Nash yawned as she woke up and flung her bed sheet covers off her. (the period there breaks the sentence up and allows for a clearer paragraph).
Secondly, the next couple of sentences is pretty confusing, if you ask me. She listens to the 'catchy tune' still playing, and then, OMG (on a side note, chatspeak is very unprofessional in a novel chapter), the tune isn't there. I'm like 'wait what, what just happened there'? You might want to clear that up to save confusion.

Then she walked over to her window struggling to keep her balance flung open the window doors looked outside and sighed her turquoise eyes shining as the sun hit her pinkish high cheek-boned face. Lost in her thoughts ,when suddenly "beeeeep beeeeeep beeep" ok fine fine you win, it is her phone, she picked it up and said "Hello, Really OMG I am soooo on my way, love ya byeee" she put the phone down and staired across the room in joy and said "okkkkk so,.......... what to wear? Typical teen girl she started rummaging around her pile of clothes. After like maybe 1 and 1/2 hours she finally got dressed into a cool baggy hoody with a black loose fitting top inside and obviously shorts.


Umm... why would she struggle to keep her balance? Also, an 'and' is required after 'her' before 'balance'. Before 'Lost', try adding a 'she was' for clarity. Then after the 'beep beep beep', things get all the more confusing. Who is she talking to, and why the first part after the beeping? I don't get that at all. You might want to slow that down. Start a new line after the 'conversation' for starters, insert a comma after 'byeee'. Also, I have no idea why she stares at the room in joy. Probably something about the conversation you happened to leave out. Include that, please. Also, the 1/2? Waaay un-professional, trust me. Numerical abbreviation is not good in serious novel chapters.

She then grabbed her phone and ran downstairs but before she could leave her mom screamed from the kitchen "where are you going? why are you going? what are you doing? with whom are you going?" and guess what Nash's reply was "I'm going somewhere to do something , i'll be back at sometime and i'm going with someone so byeeee" and the she ran out the door with her scooter.


Uuuum, where'd the mother pop out from? Also, new line when somebody speaks. Capitalize the letters, and get rid of that 'and guess what Nash's reply was' (which also needs a question mark in any case). That's Breaking the Fourth Wall, which is not a good thing unless deliberate. Capitalize your 'i's.

"BANG" suddenly Nash was just flung to the floor by a cycle that had hit her "ouch" he moaned as she got up rubbing her back "tommy you have got to start using your eyes", "oh my gosh Nash are you okay" said Tommy. Tommy is tall small made teenage guy around Nash's age with whitissh blonde hair and dark eyes, who also has a huge crush on Nash. "It's ok tommy I really don't need your help"."HEY i'm really sorry" said Tommy, "it's okay" replied Nash "oh good, anyways I was just wondering are you and Matt still going out??" asked Tommy in a very suspicious way, "ummmm Tommy me and Matt broke up a year ago" replied Nash in a very weirded out way.


Uuum, when a bike hits somebody, unless they're packed with dynamite, the noise produced is usually a 'thud'-like sound, not a 'bang'. Also, waaay messed up format there. Another thing, you introduce the characters as if you, the authors, are presenting them, and not from the character's POV, which can be -- as in this case -- a bad thing.

Overall, you really need to work on grammar and your descriptions of the actual places, which are important. This chapter doesn't offer much of a hook either, and ends far too quickly to draw the reader in.

Sorry if this seemed harsh.

Hope this helped,
~Ita




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Fri Jun 29, 2012 7:44 am
adelina says...







If I feel physically as if the top of my head were taken off, I know that is poetry.
— Emily Dickinson