Published June 29, 2012
chapter 1
"yawn" yawned Nash as she woke up and flung her bed sheet covers off herself, while a catchy tune still playing on her music player sang "blow my whistle baby ,whistle baby here we go just put your hips together and come real close" OMG what just happend to the music, oh yaa she switched it off. Then she walked over to her window struggling to keep her balance flung open the window doors looked outside and sighed her turquoise eyes shining as the sun hit her pinkish high cheek-boned face. Lost in her thoughts ,when suddenly "beeeeep beeeeeep beeep" ok fine fine you win, it is her phone, she picked it up and said "Hello, Really OMG I am soooo on my way, love ya byeee" she put the phone down and staired across the room in joy and said "okkkkk so,.......... what to wear? Typical teen girl she started rummaging around her pile of clothes. After like maybe 1 and 1/2 hours she finally got dressed into a cool baggy hoody with a black loose fitting top inside and obviously shorts.She then grabbed her phone and ran downstairs but before she could leave her mom screamed from the kitchen "where are you going? why are you going? what are you doing? with whom are you going?" and guess what Nash's reply was "I'm going somewhere to do something , i'll be back at sometime and i'm going with someone so byeeee" and the she ran out the door with her scooter. Now i know i havent given you a picture of Nash's hair, well it has a partition the right side of her hair she has a fringe that curves in and then flows down as locks and on the left side she has black streaks on her thick silky brown hair which also flows down as locks. "BANG" suddenly Nash was just flung to the floor by a cycle that had hit her "ouch" he moaned as she got up rubbing her back "tommy you have got to start using your eyes", "oh my gosh Nash are you okay" said Tommy. Tommy is tall small made teenage guy around Nash's age with whitissh blonde hair and dark eyes, who also has a huge crush on Nash. "It's ok tommy I really don't need your help"."HEY i'm really sorry" said Tommy, "it's okay" replied Nash "oh good, anyways I was just wondering are you and Matt still going out??" asked Tommy in a very suspicious way, "ummmm Tommy me and Matt broke up a year ago" replied Nash in a very weirded out way.
tooo be continued
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141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKayy...so, well I do have to say this before getting into the actual content of the story here....this one is in desperate need of a bit of paragraphing here. At the moment, its currently a large blob of text and splitting this into at the very least two or three paragraphs will make a world of difference to the general flow of the piece.
Well, okay, this has a pretty standard sounding plot here, nothing overly interesting but for the moment it all seems like just a random typical day in a teenager's life that's a little bit exaggerated, potentially to have a bit of humor injected in here. Around that there doesn't appear to be much going on to really make us want to read on here. It seems like this scene kind of just happens...which isn't great for the very first scene of a story.
There's also the fact of those descriptions, at the start it's kind of okay. Its still a bit too detailed to really be okay, but it can be overlooked, the next part though just interrupts the flow of the scene and it barely adds anything to the story itself here....so, all in all, this one needs a bit of work here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
""yawn" yawned Nash as she woke up",
sounds kinda weird try something along the lines of "Nash yawned as she woke up."
"Then she walked over to her window struggling to keep her balance flung open the window doors looked outside"
there should be a comma between "window" and "struggling", and there should be a and or a comma between "doors" and "looked".
"Lost in her thoughts ,when suddenly"
you put the comma on the wrong side of the space. I do silly things like that to.
"ok fine fine you win"
there is ether is one to many "fine"s or you need to put a comma between them.
"After like maybe 1 and 1/2 hours"
people normally rather if you spell the numbers, "After like maybe one and a half hours"
it looks like mostly just punctuation errors, I stink at punctuation too. It sounds great, keep up the good work
Hey there adel, Ita here to review, as promised.
So, right off the bat, the format of this needs to be modified. Try leaving a space between each paragraph, and start anew whenever somebody speaks (which is required grammatically as well as for clarity).
Okay, first sentence:
I'm all for ridiculously long sentences, but mainly as a joke or if it's required for some reason. This, however, seriously needs commas. And periods. And capitalization. And serious introspective analysis
First off, the 'y' in 'yawn' should be capitalized. On that note, 'yawn' is an onomatopoeia, which means that it's not needed between speech-marks.
Try: Nash yawned as she woke up and flung her bed sheet covers off her. (the period there breaks the sentence up and allows for a clearer paragraph).
Secondly, the next couple of sentences is pretty confusing, if you ask me. She listens to the 'catchy tune' still playing, and then, OMG (on a side note, chatspeak is very unprofessional in a novel chapter), the tune isn't there. I'm like 'wait what, what just happened there'? You might want to clear that up to save confusion.
Umm... why would she struggle to keep her balance? Also, an 'and' is required after 'her' before 'balance'. Before 'Lost', try adding a 'she was' for clarity. Then after the 'beep beep beep', things get all the more confusing. Who is she talking to, and why the first part after the beeping? I don't get that at all. You might want to slow that down. Start a new line after the 'conversation' for starters, insert a comma after 'byeee'. Also, I have no idea why she stares at the room in joy. Probably something about the conversation you happened to leave out. Include that, please. Also, the 1/2? Waaay un-professional, trust me. Numerical abbreviation is not good in serious novel chapters.
Uuuum, where'd the mother pop out from? Also, new line when somebody speaks. Capitalize the letters, and get rid of that 'and guess what Nash's reply was' (which also needs a question mark in any case). That's Breaking the Fourth Wall, which is not a good thing unless deliberate. Capitalize your 'i's.
Uuum, when a bike hits somebody, unless they're packed with dynamite, the noise produced is usually a 'thud'-like sound, not a 'bang'. Also, waaay messed up format there. Another thing, you introduce the characters as if you, the authors, are presenting them, and not from the character's POV, which can be -- as in this case -- a bad thing.
Overall, you really need to work on grammar and your descriptions of the actual places, which are important. This chapter doesn't offer much of a hook either, and ends far too quickly to draw the reader in.
Sorry if this seemed harsh.
Hope this helped,
~Ita