Doesn’t mean we can’t try
Think of the folks starving and dying
Vying for attention cus the world refused to cry.
I stand there with my tub of Bolognese
A day before its use by date
Considering all the waste I’d helped to raise.
Filthy babies with no manners
Hitchhiking on beaks and feathers
Forever tethered to me
Refusing to unravel
I wince at the thought of the fallen general
Commandant of the nightshades
Fat water! Wolf peach!
Red and sun blushed from the battlefield
Salutes his green beret.
Fooled on songs of circle and life
He gave his all to cause
Three sixty just missed him
I put his cause to waste
I think to myself
Some nights below zero
Might preserve his fight.
The packaging says
He won’t thaw with grace
Far more likely
I won’t embrace his taste
So I cast him to tundra regardless
To ease my shame
I wait several days
Before recalling his fate
Then discard him with haste
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey ade711. I would welcome you to YWS but you've probably been here longer than me. I haven't reviewed for a week or so, and I maybe a bit rusty. So without further ado let the reviewing begin.
Grammar and Spelling
-Let's just start with this so that I can move on to the fun part of my review. Throughout the entire poem you don't use any commas and I can understand this. The last part however needs a stop somewhere. The lines run together and never stop. It's overwhelming to the reader but I'm not sure where the best spot for a comma would be. Consider asking someone who has more expertise in poetry.
-Alright onto the rest of my analysis.
The Rest
-I have a couple more points but they are very short. In this review they are being combined into one category.
-Line 3, "cus". I am guessing this was just a use of slang. Nothing really wrong with it, just messed up the flow. The other words created sophistication and encouraged the reader to go on. This distracted me from the rest.
-Line 18, "three sixty". This was just confusing and I was hoping for a clarification.
Okay. That's all I have for this review. Your poem was certainly interesting and attention grabbing. Let me apologize if I have any spelling errors in my review. My phone's spellcheck system and I never agree.
-lizzy
Hi!!
I really enjoyed the imagery and imagination it took to put this piece together! There are a few things that confused me, but in all I really like reading this unique piece. For example, in line three should cus be spelled cause? What is Bolognese? Is it bologna? Why are only three lines in bold? What is fat water and wolf peach? These are just a few things I wanted to point out as a reader. I am really excited to read some of your other work! Keep on writing, you're awesome!
** Tiffany
The lines are in bold because i couldn't space out the poem when publishing it and i wanted to delineate each new section. Tomato bolognese is a type of sauce you have with spaghetti. Fat water and wolf peach are other names for a tomato and nightshades is too. I've always enjoyed looking things up when i read so i like putting obscure things into my work but it can backfire sometimes
No that's awesome! I enjoying learning new things! Thanks