poor little grieving girl
too young to understand at first
you thought she would come back, didn't you?
little crying girl
did it finally hit?
or are those tears for pity
are those tears there for yourself?
for others?
or for her?
i hope not
you know she can't hear you right?
oh, naive girl
she's gone
she isn't coming back.
she can't hear your cries.
can't read those desperate letters you write at night.
so why not just stop?
stop hoping she can hear your cries
hoping maybe she knew
knew how much you needed her
how much you loved her
but if she knew surely should would still be here
to embrace you
to hear you say it back
but she's just ashes in the ocean
so, cry yourself to sleep little girl
lose your faith little girl
cause no matter how hard you try
how much you hope and plead
she isn't coming back
and she never will
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141,246 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
Heyy, Aster here! 🎀✨️
I'll try my best to express my views on this piece!!
Firstt, I really liked how directly you address the “little girl.” It makes the poem feel almost like someone is speaking to their younger self, which gives it a very intimate and painful quality.
Seconndddd, I loved the repetition throughout the piece. The repeated “little girl,” “she can't hear you,” and “how much you…” make the grief feel cyclical, like the speaker is stuck going over the same thoughts again and again.
Third, the ending was especially powerful. The bluntness of “she isn't coming back” contrasts really well with all the earlier questioning and hoping. It leaves the reader with that horrible finality rather than trying to soften it. Also, “ashes in the ocean” is a striking yet painful image.
Now, onto a couple of areas for improvement!
First, I think you could experiment with adding a little more imagery in between the direct statements. There are many lines telling us exactly what the girl feels, and a few more symbolic details could make the grief even more vivid. Maybe even something completely unexpected. Chocolates, for example, would obviously be hilariously out of place here, but you get what I mean: an unusual concrete image can sometimes make an emotional piece more memorable.
Second, I noticed a few places where the wording could be tightened. Some ideas are repeated several times, and trimming or slightly rearranging them could make the strongest lines hit harder instead of letting the emotion become repetitive.
Overall, I really appreciate the rawness of this piece. It feels less like someone writing about grief and more like someone having an argument with their own hope.
I also appreciate the emotion and vulnerability you've put into it, and I hope to see more from you 💖
holy heck
this hits so hard
your writing style is so achingly gorgeous oh my gosh i'm honestly obsessed
<33 keep writing
oh also
i'm sorry
thank you. that means a lot
of course <3