Love Songs on Tattered Sleeves

Hello Aaoftulsa,

I enjoyed this a lot.It reminds me of my own writing actually. I honestly can't think of any critiques I can make on this. I sing your praise.

Very good work.

x
~Tale <3

Hello Aaoftulsa,

I enjoyed this a lot.It reminds me of my own writing actually. I honestly can't think of any critiques I can make on this. I sing your praise.

Very good work.

x
~Tale <3

Aaoftulsa,

Great to meet you! I'm Audy and I'm excited to be reviewing this work for you today. Now, let's stop the preamble and get right into this, shall we?

I love the title- I think it's intriguing enough and it takes me back to my youth where we used to wear white t-shirts and grab a bunch of sharpies and just write things on people's backs and sleeves ^^ and I think I still do have some old pairs of jeans that I had some friends sign; ah, we were just such a happy and golucky bunch back then. So yes, I love the title. I think it also does a great job of setting the mood of the poem in order for it to pull you in, so very apt for this piece.

You have great ideas and concepts but my suggestion for you is to try to avoid using cliches when describing these things. So - "bleeding hearts" just get rid of it. This piece was so strong, until I got to that part. I think you start off great, but then it gets rambling, and then it looses my interest, because there's no scene, there's no image.

Also, there are a lot of spelling and grammar and punctuation things. Certainly, I would go through and proofread. It's not jut because this is "what we were taught at school" but because the moment you have a spelling or punctuation error, as a writer, you lose all credibility, and with it, your readers. And you want people to take your work seriously, so remember to proofread.

I realize that the format of this is off, probably cause of YWS - so I won't comment on that. I do feel that there are a lot of philosophies and a lot of ideas and concepts, but without something to ground me here, it becomes too lofty.

I hope this helps and let me know if you would like to discuss this further.

~ as always, Audy

Hey!
I think you meant this to be spaced, but sometimes the formatting is just a little...odd.
I'm going to space this out in this review and edit it like that, I'm not sure just how your spacing was before but I'll do my best.


"When finding our love was as important as finding ourselves;
we would chase our fear through these cold dead streets."

The use of a semicolon here is not correct. I believe it should read more like this:
"When our love was as important as finding ourselves, we would chase our fear through these cold dead streets."
The comma makes it read so much better. I know the use of colons/semicolons can be fun, but don't get too carried away


"When our voices hadn't yet been heard,
our bleeding hearts were our only word.
We would guide ourselves by hindsight.
We had no idea where we were going.
And that is how we have found ourselves here."


Before I start in on it I'd like you to note that I have a huge issue with rhyme schemes. They nearly always sound forced and take away from a poem rather than add to it. If you're going to have a rhyme scheme, however, it should feel natural and add to the poem. Yours seems forced and it's inconsistent. I feel it takes away from the emotion.


"With your distant stares and my dreams
of how these things should seem.
I wound up losing the truth from the dream."


See? Sometimes there'll be two rhyming lines and then none and then three. Just inconsistent.


"Striving onward blindly without a goal,
Life cannot make sense inside somebody elses soul.
Where did you go? Where have I been?
The setting sun is a violent reminder."


I like the line "the setting sun is a violent reminder." The imagery is nice, but I feel it just doesn't sit well with the rest of your poem.


"That the only constant in our changing world
is the change with which we cannot stop.
We grew away.
The sun sets to make another day,
And you are on your way."


The rhymes scheme detracts from the poem. Yet again.


Your hair waving in the wind as it carries you off
to places you call better.
Places where I simply cannot fit.
And I am not a believer,
But I know what I know."


I like this line as well. "I am not a believer, but I know what I know."


"Our hearts were poetic,
with love songs written on our tattered sleeves.
You changed your clothes.
I can't be mad at you."


This simplicity of the ending is nice, but the final line doesn't match the tone of what I consider your better lines.

OVerall it's a bit cliched and many of the lines are redundant or seem forced.
A few lines showed your talent though, and I think if you work at it you can really make your writing shine.


Keep Writing!
--Rylee

I think you need to correct the format here first.