Here is my death recipe,
made specially for the Holocaust.
The horror of Anti-Semitism
That struck Jews during the Second War.
First there is that shock of Fate
that plunged deep in their predujiced hearts.
Next add in their swelling of fear,
as you wonder where they're taken far.
Drag them to concentration camps,
then butterflies will start to show
Spread around the rumors of others.
Where have they gone? We're not to know.
Garnish with unceasing sadness
that forever is clouded in your mind.
Those beloved friends, and your family.
In the end, you will be left behind.
Stand up to the horrors for a few more years.
Be prepared for gruesome pains,
because just as you're about to breathe your last
you'll suddenly see some light again.
Perhaps it's too frightening to think about this.
"It's hopeless to try!" you yell at me.
Just don't be afraid to cry and mourn.
For remembrance is the final part of the recipe.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree with Snoinky. Its a little flat. The holocaust was incredibly INCREDIBLY graphic. The things that were done to those poor people are too terrible to gloss over. Do them justice.
And kill the rhyming. Its definitly holding you back.
Haha... oh we *love* this subject.
Bah. This is one of the most suckiest things ever that has happened.
Okay! Serious! Critique!
This doesn't sound poetic. Instead, it sounds like, "This is an introduction that will hopefully lead you in the poem." The problem with this is that it doesn't seem aesthetic. It isn't ringing of emotion, and because of this, the introduction doesn't capture.
And one thing that was missing for me were the two lines. Before you went into the concentration camps (I noticed you talk about the people as they came to the concentration camps, so thus the rant, lol) you were put into two lines. One was for the strong who could work until they died. The other was for the weak who wouldn't be useful for the Nazis -- they were sent to "the showers" and then gassed to death. Those people were packed in the room so tightly that none of them fell when they died. You could tell who the families were by the chain of people who were still holding hands.
And it just is such a pity that you didn't include more of the horror. Yes, loneliness and separation from the other world of those who are normal is terrible, which is what you talked about. But you hid from the other injustices and cruelties, prefering to talk about the entrance of the people into the concentration camps instead of the actual events.
Don't let yourself get trapped into the rhyme -- rhyming only goes so far. Instead, more of the images and smells and sounds the touches and tastes come out so that the readers can sense what's going on and truly feel the horror of the Holocaust.
This is morbid, but it suppouse to be. It very good it got very strong imagary and I very strong. I can clearly all see this and it was wrong hopefully this sort of thing will never be repeated.