He Suffered More Pain

Hey zwinky! I love to see a post about God!
I have to agree with Jose, (though I will be a little less blunt) your poem does need some work. I will start where Jose started: the title. I have to agree, it is not really an appropriate title for this poem. In general, poetry titles are short and non-descriptive. It seems like you are using the title to tell readers what your poem is about. This is not expected nor necessary if your poem it written well.

On to the body of the poem. Have you written much poetry? Because it seems like you are trying very hard to make this a rhyming couplet-style poem when it doesn't need to be. I don't know if this was a spur of the moment, inspired poem you just wrote down when it popped into your head, or something you labored over for hours, but you need to rethink what you are trying to say. The best advice I have for you now is to just set this poem aside for now, and just think about the ideas and words you want to include in the poem, and write them down. Seriously, don't worry about making it rhyme, or even making any sense, just write out what you want the poem to be an go from there.

Personally, I would forget trying to make this rhyme all together. Some people think it has to rhyme to have a smooth flow and be a good poem but this is not true at all. At least for me, writing poetry that rhymes is much more complicated.

I hope you can work this into a great poem!

Sage

He Suffered More Pain


________________________________________
First thing to “review” is your title, purple-poetry writer. “He Suffered More Pain” is not that attractive for sane/not emo people, unless you want all of your readers to be psychologically troubled. “He Suffered More Pain” *Reads the title again and tries to make it sounds appealing*. Nope, it’s not working at all. I don’t care how much a poem is fantastic if it has a bad title, because titles tell it all. For example, you can tell from “Twilight” that this book sucks, and sane people should never pick it again. Hence, the first thing you need to edit is the title.
“Why do does time have to be hard,” Seriously? You started your first stanza with “Why does time have to be hard?” *face palm*. Dear purple poet, the most VETAL part of poetry –literature work, in general- is the first stanza. Putting aside the grammar mistakes and the wrong punctuations (Questions tends to end up with question marks, in case you didn’t notice), this not a *tries to not be so harsh* umm good line to start with.

“why do we always let down our guard.” You a new line, didn’t you? You should capitalize the “why”, and please edit the punctuation. Even though, almost your entire purple poem is mainly questions I don’t see any question marks. Not even one. It’s too much of a cliché line, and not the kind of cliché. Not to mention, that this line is too vague and dull too. What are you –and from you I’m guessing two lovers, but you shouldn’t let the reader guess your character. It’s not a puzzle, and if it is please correct me—fighting for?
“Why do we always fight,
at the darkest of nights.” Majorly, you’re lacking originality, and “darkest” is weak word try “dim” or something. Use some question marks, for heaven’s sake. Plus, what the hell are you fighting against? Readers need more details to understand, and not to end up guessing and mixing things up. For a start, you should answer the following questions:
1- Define you. You as in you and your lover, or as in you and your family, maybe.
2- Is there a goal you’re fighting for? If I picked the first “you” (lovers) I would guess that you’re fighting to stay together, perhaps. On the other hand, if I picked the second “you” (family) I’d say that you’re fighting for some benefits that I don’t quite know.
3- What are you fighting against? Are the lovers fighting their family members (As in Romeo and Juliette)? Some old feud, perhaps? Or is it just a mystery monster?


“Why do we curse God,” *I’ll ignore the punctuation, because I’m kind of tired of repeating myself* Things are getting personal as you curse god, ‘cause I’m Jesus. (Please, pardon my last comment.)

“when we end up lost.” Lost where? Okay, as I read on questions are piling up in my head instead of understanding more about the situation (If there’s any).

“Why is it hard for us to trust,” *cough* put one freaking question mark *cough*

“and let his love fall away like dust.” Finally, there’s a (somehow) good line. Wait. So they love Jesus now? Wait (again). Is this poem about “how the lovers/family/the characters should trust god in saving them?” Can you just please elaborate more? Dull, your details are too much dull. Not that I’m stupid and not getting it, it’s just that your details should be coherent and complete each other.

“Why do we focus more on our pain,
what do we have to gain?” FINALLY, a question mark! Agreed, they should just ignore the pain as I’m ignoring the pain of reading this umm poem.

“Nothing just depression and heartache,” This line is completely wrong and out of place. Just cancel it. Not that worth of editing.
“and we think the Lord has forsaken us.”

“God is every step of the way,
by our side he stays.
Through pain and rain,
his love is what we gain.” You can’t just shove words randomly to make the poem rhyme. For example, you wrote pain and rain and gain? What are you 9 years old? Moreover, you already used the word “gain”, didn’t you? It’s... You...*face palm (again)* Just edit it, please.

“When he died on the cross,
he paid the cost.” One question, why the hell are you rhyming?

“With life troubles he suffered more pain,” Pain is used quite a lot, don’t you think? Use some synonyms, like “sore” or “sting”.
“he was the lamb that was slain.”

“He didn't do it because he had to,
he did it because he wanted to,
Because he loves you and me,
he was the one that set us free”

According to Wikipedia, Poetry (from the Greek 'poiesis'/ποίησις [poieo/ποιέω], a making: forming, creating, or the art of poetry, or a poem) is a form of literary art in which language is used for its aesthetic and evocative qualities in addition to, or in lieu of, its apparent meaning. I don’t see the you-have-to-rhyme part in the definition of poetry. In fact, rhyming is so late year, dear purple poet. It’s never about the rhyming at all, it’s about the quality. So just don’t you wonder around shoving some rhyming words at the end of each stanza and tell me you wrote a poem. Note that the poem needs a heavy editing (especially, the introduction stanza). Please *on my knees* add some question marks for the thing. At last, don’t take the harsh “review” of mine personally, and as I say “The critique that doesn’t kill you make you a better poet” and in your case make you a better and less purple-y poet.