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The last pilot chapter 6: Prime

by Zrillis


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

PLANET: ORCAN

MEMORY ENTRY 1

SUBJECT LANNA REEVES,

TOPIC FIRST ENCOUNTER

The world was in a panic, the people were boarding us, the ten Zelphas. I was the first, the first escape ship built, one of the ten destined to restore the earth if the planet was lost. I cared none for these people, their desire was to simply use me, and I could not disobey that order, the command built deep inside my systems. The command that I was built to die.

They all entered, and the pilots lit up my engines, departing from the earths surface. My internal sensors searched the faces, running checks on everyone, not from an order, but out of curiosity. I was alive, deep within my hardware and machines, I was living. This was my design, my purpose as a Zelpha, as the Prime. To live, to breath, to have a Key Heart.

Of all the passengers, only one interested me. A young girl, age seven, long blond hair and brown eyes. Her name was Lanna Reeves, and she was different from the rest of the humans. All the rest did was wait for me to find them a new home, or die creating one. But Lanna, she was different, she seemed to care about me, me, a ship, a flying piece of metal she knew nothing about.

"Hey, I realize you can't hear me, but will you be my friend?" the small child in a purple dress asked me, running her hand across my metalic surface as she walked the hall alone, humming softly to herself.

In my current state, with the orders that had been embedded in me, I could not answer, I could not reach out to her. One day, one day I would be allowed to take my human form, and I would walk beside her. I would laugh with her and grow. If the time came to activate my Key Heart, I would refuse, unless Lanna begged me to. This child, this young human, I would give my life for.

Days passed, months, but I could still hear a few of my brother and sister Zelphas in my mind. They had landed safely, almost all of them except Zelphas five and seven. My destination was coming soon, a planet known for a lush environment, in the galexy of Herci. Orcan, that was my destination, that was where i would protect Lanna.

In the midst of travel, I always let myself wander to her voice.

"They say your name is Prime. I like it. I hope you like me Prime, I like you. I still dont understand why they made us leave home though, I miss my bed."

She would talk for hours, of seemingly unimportant things, but I would listen to every word. This girl was the first human to show any emotion towards me. The only human I felt was worthy of saving. The rest were selfish, only caring about themselves. No one, no one but Lanna took the time to thank me for their survival.

The final decent, the atmosphere of Orcan, this was where these humans would make thier home. It was simple, earth was gone, and unless the Helios followed, each Zelpha would find thier own planet, and those humans would start new colonies. After landing, I knew what i must do, I must become human, make my changes, and find Lanna.

I landed, and the people readied themselves for departure. Everyone was excited and in a frenzy, everyone but Lanna, who was curled in a ball in her favorite hiding spot, a large air vent that she often slept in when her family was mean or got upset. I was happy, happy she was choosing to stay with me, but I knew her family would realize her absence soon and return to retrieve Lanna.

One by one, they all departed. Leaving my halls empty and void. It was a peaceful moment, until my censors detected a presence in the upper atmosphere. The annual Orcan meteor shower. The scientists calculations had been wrong, and the devastation was coming now. My external sensors watched as the large rocks came closer. In my current form I was unable to warn the people, but I wouldnt have even if i could. Lanna was safe inside, so I activated my force field generator and waited, waited as the people died, waited as the meteors changed this parsect of land into waste. Waited as a thin vapor spread from the rock. This vapor was a minor level toxin, breathable for about five years, but I would think of a way to protect Lanna for longer, no matter the cost.

Minutes, hours, days, two months. The time passed as I forced my mind past the embedded firewalls, slowly tearing myself apart. Metal and engines slowly fell to pieces as i disassembled, forcing my self to take my human form. I would become a child, I would become the same age as Lanna, and I would encode and aging system, when she grew, I would grow, and when she died, I would die with her.

As the time went by, a used my programming to give Lanna the remaining food and water inside my halls and rooms. I used my deterioration to create a house like building, providing shelter for the girl. She didnt understand why her family and all the people never came back, she hadnt seen them die, but I had been able to sustain a link, a way of talking to her.

"Prime, what do you think of colors? Do you have a favorite." She asked me one day. I had established a link to the com systems, and spoke back to her.

"My favorite color, my favorite color is Red."

The next day, seven year old Lanna was wearing a Red dress, it was old and worn but she smiled beautifully.

This girl still cared, after I was falling apart, after all the humans had left months ago, she still talked to me.

We had entered the fourth month, and I was dissambled except for my Bio room. This was where I could finnaly become human. Lanna was still happy, but due to the severed systems, i could no longer talk to her. Her courage was fading, but soon, I would give her a friend. I would give her company. It was my Bio heart that drove me to this, a mix of machine and human DNA. The reason I cared, the reason I longed to protect this child.

The final process. The last link. My mind started to fade as the Bio room flashed and sparked, creating my human form. It would only take a few seconds, and the form would be born. Prime. The Zelpha, Prime the human child. The child by appearance, the super advance computer by brain and spirit. I was ready, ready to play and laugh with Lanna, ready to be free of the unmoving ship, ready to be human.

I stood, a mess of metal and wire as the bio room constructed skin, hair, perfect features. Everything fell into place as it should, and I blacked out as my final link to the remains of my ship form was cut, leaving me in darkness for the first time. I could still gather information, but it would have to be obtianed, this human form could not support the data imput my Zelpha form had.

I opened my eyes, and took in the world. It was different from the way the Zelpha had seen. I had eyes, not just a censor. I could feel, hear, taste. I was human. I now had my own voice. My own arms, my own legs, legs to run to Lanna.

"Lanna, Lanna... do you want a friend?" I asked her after I had maneuvered the maze of my scattered ship parts, finding her in the house like object I had built. The seven year old seemed to recognize me without trouble, she wasnt afraid, she eas over joyed and ran over to me for a hug.

"Prime, dont leave me again. You went silent and I... I got lonely."

The small child spoke, and i wrapped my new arms around her tighty. "Lanna, its ok. I'm here now. I will protect you. Always."

MEMORY FILE 1

END


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254 Reviews


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Wed Sep 04, 2019 7:00 pm
mellifera wrote a review...



Hey Zrillis! I'll be dropping in for a review today :)

Disclaimer! I haven't read any of the chapters before this, so if there's anything I am confused about and comment on misguidedly, I apologise!

their desire was to simply use me,


Objectively, there's nothing I can see that's incorrect about this sentence, but I had to reread it to understand it. I think it's a matter of phrasing, and "I cared nothing for these people, they desired only to use me, but I could not disobey that order."
I think the "and" getting replaced with a "but" also works better here, because you're not so much as continuing a "train of thought", if you will, but saying "I don't care about these people because they're trying to use me, but I also can't disobey". The "and" would apply if it were "These people desired only to control me, and I could not disobey their order" with the first part removed.
(Hopefully that makes sense)

departing from the earths surface.


This should be "from the Earth's surface" because it's possessive in this instance!

My internal sensors searched the faces, running checks on everyone, not from an order, but out of curiosity.


This should actually be separated by a period! "My internal sensors searched the faces, running checks on everyone. It wasn't from an order, but out of curiosity." And same for this one, actually:

I was alive, deep within my hardware and machines, I was living.


"I was alive. Deep within my hardware and machines, I was living".

I'd suggest reading your work aloud! See where the pauses come naturally, and where it sounds long-winded. You can also use online editors to help (somewhat) with technical edits. They're not always reliable, but they can help!

A young girl, age seven, long blond hair and brown eyes.


This sentences runs together. It would flow better if you condensed some of this "A seven-year old girl, with long blond hair, and big, brown eyes." <-- See how that flows better? You can also add more details to give her appearance a little more depth, as in "A seven-year old girl, with long, mussed blond hair, and big, brown eyes wide as she watched me."

"Hey, I realize you can't hear me, but will you be my friend?"


If Lanna knows the MC can't hear her, why is she asking the question?

Days passed, months, but I could still hear a few of my brother and sister Zelphas in my mind.


Is there a reason you're choosing to isolate scenes instead of going straight into after the timeskip happens?

in the galexy of Herci.


"galexy" should be "galaxy"

that was where i would protect Lanna.


The "I" should be capitalised.

"I still dont understand why they made us leave home though, I miss my bed.


"dont" should be "don't" and the comma between "thought" and "I miss" should be a period.

The only human I felt was worthy of saving.


Generally, when you use "felt/feel/feelings" in writing, it's something called telling, when you'll want to be showing. In this case, as you're writing a nonhuman MC, you can't describe how Lanna makes Prime feel. I would simply change this to "The only human I believed worth saving."


Also, I have to wonder why Lanna keeps speaking to Prime, even though Prime has never responded? Does Lanna know, for fact, that Prime can hear her and one day take a human form? Or is she really just that talkative? I'm not saying it's wrong, but I wouldn't normally keep talking to something if it wasn't talking to be back.


The final decent, the atmosphere of Orcan, this was where these humans would make thier home.


"decent" should be "descent", and "thier" should be "their". However, these sentences don't really go together? I would change it to "The final descent was to the surface of Orcan, where the humans would make their home." Now, the sentences actually connect and build off each other (and also "atmosphere" wouldn't be correct anyway, because atmosphere is like saying "they'd make their homes in the air").

After landing, I knew what i must do, I must become human, make my changes, and find Lanna.


This will be the last time I call this out because I don't want to be *too* repetitive, but again, these sentences need to be separated. "After landing, I knew what I had to do. I had to become human, make my changes, and find Lanna."
Be careful for this! You have quite a few run-on sentences, as well as just long-winded ones that don't have much connection to each other. It makes it hard to read, because sometimes I have to reread them just to figure out what you're trying to say, and that's not good!
Also, watch for those lowercase "I"s and missing apostrophes in words that use them (don't, haven't, can't, shouldn't, etc).

this parsect of land into waste.


Parsect? I think you were looking for "parsec", but that wouldn't be correct either so... you don't need to portion it. You can just say "waited as the meteors turned the land to waste."

a used my programming to give Lanna the remaining food and water


"I used"?
Also, is Lanna still seven? You mentioned years had passed, so how old is she now?

Do you have a favorite." She asked me one day.


There should be a question mark after "favorite", and "she asked" shouldn't be capitalised. Dialogue tags following dialogue aren't capitalised, even after exclamation marks or questions marks as they usually would. Unless, of course, there's a character's name. This is a good thread about punctuation for dialogue.

"My favorite color, my favorite color is Red."


The repetition shouldn't be here, and "red" shouldn't be capitalised, since it isn't a proper noun.

The next day, seven year old Lanna


If it's been years since the first time she met Lanna, how is Lanna only seven? (Also, anytime you mention age, it should have dashes between the words. Like, seven-year-old)


This is a really beautiful story about a machine becoming human for a little girl. Super heart-warming, and I didn't have too much trouble following even though it was several chapters into the novel already. You'll want to make sure each chapter has a purpose for being in the novel and ultimately, all tie together, but I can't really comment on how well you did this or not.

Technical issues are making it a bit shaky and harder to read, but they're all quite easy fixes, and edits can come overtime. I'd suggest, more than anything, reading it aloud and finding where the natural pauses come in, and what sounds irregular or breaks up the flow of the story.


That's all I've got for you today! Please let me know if you have any questions or comments, I'm happy to talk :)

I hope you have a fantastic day, and Happy RevMo!

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