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16+ Language Violence

The last pilot chapter 5: Memories

by Zrillis

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Ren Drilla. War hero of earth. The last resistance. The great commander. The sacrifice for freedom. He was known by those names, made immortal through history books and stories told be the older generation. But to me, he had always gone by one name. Dad.

Even with the chaos around me, i let my mind slip away, and memories of my past surfaced. Memories I had left behind, Memories of earth, before the Helios.

~~~~I was five, and everything I could remember was peaceful....~~~~

"Dad! come on!" I yelled, following my older sister, Sirah. We were going to thw falls, my favorite spot on the weekends. It was peaceful, and the grass was warm beneath my barefeet. The sky was blue, and the sun was bright and calming.

"Ill be there soon Zan, let me have some alone time with momma." I heard my dad reply, as my sister and I went into the peaceful river. The falls were a few feet away, and our parents had always warned not to go near them alone.

Everything was perfect, everything was calm, until.....

"Hey Zan, lets go up the falls. we can do it, weve climbed them before." Sirah spat out, happily dancing in the water. She was seven, and I had always followed her everywhere.

"I.... Okay..... But dont leave me behind." i whispered, looking back at our parents who were laying together in the grass. I broke my gaze and looked at Sirah who was holding her hand out to me. I took it, and smiled at her happily.

The breaze was gentle at the top of the falls, and it was beautiful. The water was rushing at our feet, and the rocks were harsh and rugged beneath the flow.

Everything was peaceful, until....

"Sirah..... Dont go so close to the edge...."


I left my old memories, trying to erase the images of Sirah falling from the edge, her body lifeless at the bottom as the water turned red.

This was a moment I had buried in my mind, the moment that i had forgotten about my sister. Ignored the fact that she had ever been there. It was also the moment that I had lost my relationship with my dad. The very next summer, around my sixth birthday, that was when we had Abandoned earth, and I watched from the ships dome as my father vanished from sight.

"Fucking move!" The archer screamed, as she sent several arrows into the oncoming screachers. She was brave, and focused, and her orders were clear.

"Aria, come on!" i yelled, and grabbed Iris by the hand once again, as I noticed but ignored Arias nervous glance at the helios enfused child. She held her own screaming girl tighter in her arms, but I didnt have time to ask questions. I turned and led Iris and Aria deep into the cave, scared of seeing my father, and wondering how he was still alive.

My mind broke, the image of Sirah etched into my eyes, as more memories entered my head, but I pushed them away.

"Aria.... You go.... Find him... I cant go in." i spoke, frozen where i was standing.

"Daddy.... Itll be ok, just keep moving." Iris spoke up at me, her eyes were wide with compassion and innocene. She took my hand and drug me further into the cave. Aria looked back at me when she heard the word, daddy, and i felt deep confussion and worry from her gaze.

"daddy...? what... what did i miss?" she asked, and held onto the screaming girl in her arms even tighter.

"i could ask you the same thing Aria but this isnt the time." I spoke, and continued towards the deep end of the cave. A thin light began to grow brighter, as the end of the tunnel opened into a wide cavern. In the center, was a lone chair, carved out of rock, and a lone figure sat upon it.

I drew in a breath, and took in the sight of the man from the ground up. His left knee was a metal plate, a mess of robotic and skin. There were several thin plates merged onto his chest, appearing to be covers for deep wounds. his left arm was fully robotic, and his face was a mix. His left eye was human, so was his full right side of the face, but the rest was crudely welded metal.

"D....Dad?" i breathed out. Despite the machenics attached to him, I still recognized him. He was still alot like his picture, the one from the history books.

"Z...Zan? How did you.... Where did you come from?" my dads voice spoke in a quiet shake, but he stayed in his stone chair.

I shook my head, ignoring the question. "how are you alive dad?" i asked sternly, and closed my eyed as he breathed in slow then answered.

~~~~My dad began to speak, and i took in every word~~~~

All the ships left the ground, and I led the final attack against the Helios, leading my men to thier death. My plasma pistol clips were out of recharges, and all that I could fight with was my hands and my Plasma dagger. The helios easily dispatched my unit, slaughtering them one by one, as I kept focus and sliced through the onslaught.

With every strike of my dagger, I knew my death drew closer, I knew my body would give out and I would lose everything. Every ounce of my soul begged to die, but I couldnt stop.

"Die you bastards!" I screamed as my blade drew more blood, quenching its thurst as I killed each Helios i came upon. My body was torn, and my own blood fed the soil as my hatred and adreniline urged me to keep fighting. With every passing moment, memories of my family fueled me. The last memory that pierced my mind was the memory of my daughter, Sirah Rose Drilla, and thats when my knees buckled and i fell to the ground.

I knew it was over, I knew that I, the last resistance, had failed, but I would happily accept my fate with honor. I left my eyes open as the Helios formed a circle around me, and i waited for the death that never came.


The voice was in my head, but I knew it came from the large helios that stood upon a floating platform. He was differant from the others, slightly larger and his body was a bright red instead of the common Helios green. Only later did I learn his name, Alpha one.

When the voice had left my head, the circle of Helios parted, and a large creature approached me. He was covered in armor, but I coulf make out his features. His skin was grey, covered in scars and forign ink. When he was about ten feet away, he removed his armor, and revealed more features. His arms were like trees, thick, powerful, deadly.

"I have no quarel with you human, it is by circumstance that we must fight. The Helios vanquished my planet, they sparred me, and I am now there scout and new recruit tester. I wish you the best." the creature named Silio spoke to me, as he drew a large blade that seemed to spit lightning as he skillfully swung it.

"I have no wish to join you, but I will die with honor, in battle." I spoke, forcing myself to my feet as I held my dagger in front of me. The creature didnt move, and niether did I, as I studied his breathing, searching for any weakpoint on his body.


The orders of Alpha one shouted in my mind, and Silio rose to action. His legs braced before release, he cleared the distance with one lung as his blade of lightning came down at me. I focused on the motion and blocked with my dagger, the light and static from the impact searing my face.

"AGH!" I screamed, as I restabilized my body, place all my focus into the hand holding the dagger. I drew my blade across his, positioning myself to break away and strike his chest. A quick motion sent my dagger into him, opening a wide gash, but Silio didnt even flinch.

The monster followed my motions and skillfully aimed a strike. Pain entered my body, as i felt part of me fall away. I screamed, realize my left arm was gone, but i wasnt done. Something in my mind clicked in that instant. I would survive, I would last this battle, and become the Helios puppet, if only to kill this monster when i had the chance. Silio drew back for another attack, slicing my right knee, and i felt like giving in, But i refused

"yo...You bastard. I will not fall." i drew my dagger, and willed myself forward. Blindly striking at air, I swung, swing after swing, landing a few strikes, But none were critical.

my blood poured, as several deep cuts drew across my chest, and a final strike of Silios blade dug deep into my face, sending lightning into it, dispatching my right side and left eye.


after those words entered my head, I drew a deep breath, and blacked out from bloodloss. It was a week before i awoke, and found myself with a robotic enhanced body. The Helios trained me, gave me a ship, and made me Silios partner. We scouted many planets, and we brought the Helios' newest weapons with us, the Screachers. They were hidious monsters biologically created to kill.

I remained loyal to the Helios and to my partner for two long years. I helped conquer sixteen planets in total, and i grew accustom to being a Warrior of Helios.

This was my life, until one day, I receieved a direct order from Alpha One


Brilla, a planet that was untouched by the helios. That was where I would kill Silio, that was where I would make my new home. Silio and I followed the order, and brought the screachers to the planet. On the third week, I made my move. My body was now stronger from the robotics, and I knew that Silios blade could not break through the metal on my body.

When the time came, I killed him, I sent my blade through his kneck, and I spilled his blood into the land. I knew the screachers would kill anything now, for Silio was there master. They were now a free mind, I was no longer safe from their rage.

I made my home in this cave, and Every night when the screachers would hunt, I would kill, protecting my home, protecting myself. This went on for four years, and I never left this cave except once a week to obtain supplies to live. I was alone, until one night, I heard the voice of a young girl. She is now sixteen, but at that time she was eleven.

The girl held a bow, but she was untaught. The screachers had her pinned outside my cave. I took pitty on her. That night I saved Konas life, and the following years I trained to her fight. And....


I took in my dads story, and realized Aria was now holding my left hand, and the girl in her arms had calmed down and was no longer crying. Aria squezed my hand and i squezed Iris' as my dad finished his story.

"..... she has been protecting me ever since that day."


I took in all this information, then my mind snapped.

"you bastard... You fucking bastard.." I whispered softly, before screaming. " YOU BASTARD!! I avoided the wars because I believed they took your life! The people on Sirion worship you! Aliances formed in your honor. And all this time, youve been killing and hiding! Sixteen fucking planets, all to kill one creature!" I spat the words at my dad, and i could tell they cut him deep, but I wasnt done.

"I worshipped you. After everything, after you practically shunned me for Sirahs death, after you left mom and I to protect earth, I worshipped you." As the words left my mouth, Aria wrapped her arm around me, and Iris was already hugging my side. I looked down, and met Iris' eyes. There was something in them that took me back.

I had accepted this child, took her in, and had agreed to fight the entire Helios world for her. She had told me she was a killer, that she was respected and feared as a Helios princess. I had found forgiving her easy, so why couldnt I forgive my own dad? The answer was simple. Iris was a child, having been raised in that way for all of her thirteen years of life. My dad knew better, he knew differently.

"You.... You never told me that story Ren." the voice was shaky, and it held confusion. I turned my gaze sideways and through my rage I saw the Terizion girl named Kona. "Was one of the planets you helped destroy Terizia...?"

I didnt wait for him to answer. I turned away, ready to leave when I heard his voice again. "You really are my son, you cant run away fast enough either, can you. I never blamed you for Sirahs deat, you did that yourself."

His words tore me, and I saw Sirah falling all over again. The final moments before she slipped away from my fingers, When my hand wasnt strong enough to save her.

"You dont have a right to say that. You left mom and I....." This was all i could think to say, as tears tore at my eyes.

"You never answered my question Zan. Why are you here. From the looks of it, you left your mom too. I mean, shes not here, so cleary we are more the same then you will admit son." Ren spoke, his words tearing at me. When I had left Sirion with Aria, i hadn't seen it as leaving my mother. It was a chance to define myself.

Now, hearing his words and looking back, I hadnt even said goodbye. I left, and i had abandoned her and my step brother. Guilt tore at my heart as I let my fathers truth seep into my soul. "Aria.... Lets go. We need to stop at Sirion before we explore the world. Goodbye dad."

I walked away, leading Iris and Aria out cavern and to the mouth of the cave in silence. The screachers had withdrawn, Hundreds lay dead on the sand. I had to see my mother, tell her what was going on, that there was a chance to defeat the Helios and restore the earth that she had known.

"Zan, we need to talk first... About that girl." Aria whispered in my ear, still holding her own small girl.

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25 Reviews

Points: 94
Reviews: 25

Sun Aug 25, 2019 3:43 am
DottieSnark wrote a review...

So I’m all caught up on your posted chapters! Yay. I really do love this story and the world you’ve build and I want to see where this goes.

However, I thought this was one of your weaker chapters. The pacing was rushing and I never felt as if I was fully immersed in any of the scene. So many things happened but you didn’t really give any of those things time to breathe except for the father’s flashback, which I’ll get to in a moment.

~~~~I was five, and everything I could remember was peaceful....~~~~

That heading in not useful in the transition and just brings the reader out of the story. A better way to make it clear that this is a flashback is by letting the narration tell the reader. You could just start the scene like this:

"Dad! come on!" I yelled, following my older sister, Sirah. I was five years old at the time and everying I could remember was peaceful.

Also, if you use the past perfect instead of the simple past (basically using had) you won't even need a line break in order to transition back to the present tense. I find that trick very useful writing flashbacks in stories written in the simple past tense.

At this point you have set up a very interesting story, but as I said before it then rushes by. I want to know more about Zan’s backstory and his relationship with his father, but that all kind of rushes by. I learn that Zan wasn’t close to his father after his sister’s death and I see his reaction after he discovers the truth about his father’s war battles, but it doesn’t go any deeper than that. Zan feels betrayed, but I don’t really know too much about how he felt about his father before then. If I knew more about their relationship maybe I would care about this betrayal.

The whole scene after the "my dad began to speak, and I took in every word" was very confusing and kind of boring. I get that we were seeing Zan's story through his father's eyes but the transition from Zan's POV to his fathers wasn't smooth and I was so confused about what was going and I simply didn't have enough information to know about or care about this battle. It was also the longest scene in the chapter while all the scenes about Zan were rushed. I’d rather you focus more on Zan, one of the main characters, then a character who is only important because of his relationship to Zan.

You also have a lot of very short scenes in this chapter, which I think also contributed to the rushed feeling.

I hoped this critique didn’t discourage you because this story really is great and I really do love the character development and world building you’ve done. I just want your next chapter to be great. After reading a few of your chapters I’m starting to think that your strengths as a writer are characterization, world building and descriptions and your weaknesses are pacing, scene transitions and SPaG. The good news is that those are pretty easy things to fix.

Anyway, can’t wait for the next chapter. Keep writing!

Zrillis says...

This isnt to argue or say your wrong, but the scene about his dad is very important for a later chapter. I understand your points and view overall on this chapter and I will be reworking all chapters later and maybe cut the scene down some but it is important to a future chapter

DottieSnark says...

I'm not saying it's not important. I'm sure will be. You're clearly are setting up a big plot point between Zan and his father. I'm saying as a reader you haven't convinced me that it should be important or that I should care. The scene does not need to be cut, it just needs to be reworked so the reader will care about it as much as they care about Zan's scenes.

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32 Reviews

Points: 136
Reviews: 32

Sun Aug 11, 2019 11:02 pm
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Anamel wrote a review...

I'd say the story itself is pretty well put together. There's just some grammar mistakes that could be fixed or you happened to pass over and not notice since they aren't that bad.

"Even with the chaos around me, i let my mind slip away, and memories of my past surfaced."

Capitalize the second I.

" We were going to thw falls, my favorite spot on the weekends. It was peaceful, and the grass was warm beneath my barefeet. "

*The instead og thw, and separate barefeet and change it into bare feet.

"Hey Zan, lets go up the falls. we can do it, weve climbed them before."


"I.... Okay..... But dont leave me behind." i whispered, looking back at our parents who were laying together in the grass."

*Don't, capitalize the I.

"The breaze was gentle at the top of the falls, and it was beautiful. "


"~~~~I was five, and everything I could remember was peaceful....~~~~"
I honestly don't think you need the clear separation between reality and memory here unless you really want it. Also the ellipses aren't necessary either but it depends on your choice ofc.

"her body lifeless at the bottom as the water turned red."
I think lifeless body would sound a bit better here.

"This was a moment I had buried in my mind, the moment that i had forgotten about my sister. Ignored the fact that she had ever been there."
I think the second sentence sounds a bit strange and kinda just adds onto the first but since its separated it seems like a lone thought. I think you could italicize it and make it one of his thoughts or just leave it out completely.

"The very next summer, around my sixth birthday, that was when we had Abandoned earth"

Does abandoned need to be capitalized here?

Anyways I don't wanna go through your whole story critiquing everything but I think just looking it over a few times before publishing it and catching the mistakes would be pretty helpful. I like the way you began this chapter and eased it into the character's perspective. It gave us more background about his dad besides him just simply saying "his dad".

DottieSnark says...

Zrillis, I just wanted to add that for all my critiques about this chapter and how you handled the father, I really do agree with Anamel on that point about how this chapter began. If really did set up the father character and was a great intro.

The ink in which our lives are inscribed is indelible.
— Helena 'HG' Wells, Warehouse 13