12+ Violence

Book of Hestia: Ch.1

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Three figures rushed through the pitch black hallways, survivors they called themselves. Their dark gear blended in with the shadows and the masks they wore made sure none would ever see their faces. Despite the dark, they ran through cave like structures as if they knew the place by heart, easily jumping over and side stepping bones, stalagmites, and puddles. Footsteps filled the tunnel as they ran, but that was quickly muffled under the blare of sirens, the abandoned feel of the place conflicting with the modern electronic alarm.

A stifled male laugh escaped from one of the trio as they finally reached the end tunnels. Their memory of their target guiding them more then any light. Finally far enough in to risk it, one of the three raised an arm, a ball forming above their palm of glowing light, illuminating the grim tunnels and a massive metal door. Another of the three figures raised their hand, a ball of fire materialized, shifting from orange to yellow, to a dark blue, and then finally a bright white before the figure slammed their hand into the metal door.

A solid thump rang out accompanied by the metal squealing as it rapidly melted before it was covered up by the noise of the many speakers planted in the tunnel, its radiated heat covering the three figures in a cloud of fumes.

After minutes of this, a roughly carved opening formed that the three quickly climbed through, pushing their way in without a care for the heat as their suits flashed blue from contact with the hot metal, blue light flashing around them like a barrier.

“The book should be on the third floor, top shelf, third row, 144rf.” A harsh female voice said as she walked through the remains of a decorative door, looked around the dimly lit room, an air of energy outlining the place they just entered. The inside of the room was organized like an expensive, magical library. To fit the tropes, it was decorated with carved shelves and the curved banisters which in turn were adorned with plants on their surface. Golden etchings finished off the edges and framed glowing crystals which emitted some lights on the books that were neatly arranged on the shelves

“I know, you’ve told me a million times,” a soft male voice said before jumping, a soft blue light covered his form as he rocketed up. In order to go even faster he grabbed hold of shelves and banisters to right himself as he moved almost weightlessly, cutting his way through the floors wasting no time on the staircase.

"Not fair.." The last of the three muttered under her breath and clinched her first in a silent rage as she beheld the male make his way to the top. "Why does it have to be him?” She almost yelled, her voice almost robotic despite her tone. “There are plenty of people better than him.”

“We’re not changing the plan this late in the game. Shut up and keep count.” The harsh sounding female, the leader, said. A metallic orb materialized in her palm, which she promptly threw, a soft hum came from it as it started circling the room, flashing of blue and red light alerting her to various traps and hidden alcoves.

“Twenty four seconds since the cameras caught us, twelve minutes since team Harley started fighting.” The robotic girl muttered. “I’m still doing my job.”

“Then you know it’s too late to rush back for someone else.”

“Well, I’m better.”

“Shut up and do your job.” The leader said, her usual harsh tone was highlighted by her body taking on a red glow.

“Fine.” The robotic girl muttered a metal plate materializing in front of her. She pressed it into the opening, her hands gradually turning a bright white, and the mass of heat quickly welding any spot she touched closed.

“We should have a few minutes before they come in. Set the traps while I go put up the shield, he should have started reading the spell.” The leader said. She jumped, her body wrapped in a light blue glow as she dashed through the holes left by her male peer. On the third floor sat the only male of the three figures. A mess of long reddish-orange hair hung off his pale face, his red eyes and white eyebrows hinted at an mutated case of albinism. He did not look strong, but he was the one the survivors picked for this final hope of theirs.

“Ze'ar vas iriy I calvus gaur bux.” His voice was infused with energy, giving it a painful echo that cut into the mind of whoever heard it.

The leader waved her hands as a multitude of things materialized around her, trying her best to avoid distracting him, she stepped next to him and started to lay down various objects: a rock, a shoe, a metal rod, and other seemingly random objects set as points to a pentagram began to form around him. With the final object, she started to glow, energy infusing itself into the whole shape she built around him; a sharp light marked with odd runes covered the red head.

“Raqa simu mi ulcesu jrik srull ilk.”

A thump from below startled the leader, prompting her to dump even more of her energy into the shield she formed around her hope. As she did so, robotic girl jumped up from the hole they had cut previously, before materializing a plate, and melting it over the hole. Blue light covered the edges of the metal plate, somehow withholding most of the heat, yet fusing it to the wood. What couldn’t be held back made the wood crackle and steam, but not burn. The hissing of headed wood was quickly covered up by a loud explosion below, the roar of monsters stuck her one of the girls traps told them how little time the trio had left.

“I carved a pretty big hole in the floor, and covered up as many things as I could. We should be fine for a while.” The robotic voiced girl said before adding on, “You realize if he succeeds, we won’t exist anymore?”

“We’ve run out of choices, and your complaints are far too late.” The harsh voiced woman replied.

“That’s because nobody would listen to me!”

“I don’t care. There is no turning back, and we will die regardless.” A hiss of energy came out of her hand, a thermos materializing that she promptly grabbed hold of, and, swallowing the contents, the harsh voiced woman started infusing more energy into the shield.

“Yeah, but if we die the normal way, at least we’ll still exist!”

“Only one person could make it to the past intact, and he was the one everyone picked.”

“But I’m stronger than him!”

“But not smarter. Your power here will not matter in the past- you wouldn’t bring your body with you. We need someone who can win hearts and minds back there. From what we found, the body he will get should have plenty of potential to make up for the flaws he has over here as far as power goes. Stop complaining like some cliche side villain.”

“I should at least be allowed to complain a bit before I die horribly right?”

“I’d rather enjoy my end in silence.”

“Fine!” The robotic girl yelled before she started digging through the various shelves, reading their titles with an angry scowl.

“What are you doing?”

“I remember there being another book. You guys dismissed it because it won’t send anyone far back enough, but if we already have someone there setting the foundations, I could at least help.”

“We denied that plan, there's no way you can time it right so that everyone finishes the spell at the same time. So their soul will start being ripped apart when the time line changes. Even if they go through right after. We can’t risk him, so anyone else who tries would end up as a pile of broken memories instead of a person.”

“Better than nothing at all.”

After a few seconds of staring at the stubborn girl, the harsh voiced woman sighed. “Then hide yourself. I am not wasting any more energy on a second shield.” She said before using even more of her energy on the red head’s shield.

“Thank you.” The girl said, pulling off her mask, revealing a soft, pale face half hidden under messy, black hair. Her faded eyes revealed her blindness, a glowing blue lacing them with a light of awareness that allowed her to see beyond that. She ran into the maze of shelves with a book, her blackout gear taking on the pattern of the books and shelves as she put back on her mask.

“Stupid girl. Try to keep at least a little of yourself intact.” The harsh woman muttered before she drank another thermos worth of liquid. Those two books were some of the oldest surviving books in the known world. The Book of Hestia, and a book of old sword spells developed by the Hestia guild titled, A guide on simple magic. Humanity was the last of the humanoid races in a world that was dying under the march of progressively more powerful enemies. The Elves fell, as did the Dwarves, the Animas, the Silkys, the Brownies, the Nymphs, the Pixies, the Sylph, even the powerful Jinn. The only survivors they knew about were themselves, a pitifully small group of several thousand, too weak to even taken down a single cave of monsters.

This final group hoped to win through time rather than war. But they waited too long, but eventually, they were all that was left. Alone in a gradually rotting world, they could do nothing but refine and develop their spells, but since the monsters around them kept growing more powerful, they could never keep up.

So finally after so many centuries of hiding underground, they finally gave up and dedicated their advances to a spell- something to undo the time they wasted. However, all of their studying would have meant nothing, or would have taken too long, if it was not for the leftovers of an old book, a spell book from the dead guild, Hestia’s Hearth. The spell book gave vast and detailed notes on the concept of time and how magic could influence it. They did, in fact, figure out a spell to draw them back. But without some teather to draw them back to the past, they had no hope of ever making a difference.

These two books were the last decades were spent finding older books, but every record they stole claimed them as the oldest surviving. Less for history and more as a trophy of their victory over Hestia’s Hearth. Hestia’s Hearth was the last guild to die. The strongest amalgamation of the many species that stood against an army of monsters. The best idea they had since they know of that old book, was to take on the fate of that powerful guild and make it even stronger with their centuries of spells and knowledge of the future. The three who came in were only a few of the thousands of other humans who fought and died to get into this library on the edge of nowhere.

As the energy-infused voice of the redheaded member of their group faded, so, too, did the world. The harsh voiced woman smiled softly- just because the world was fading away, it didn’t mean that he was going to save the world, just that he changed too much for their timeline’s existence, too much would have to be altered; So this timeline was simply abandoned by the universe. She could hear the panicked screams of monsters under her feet as the world started growing duller, colors muting into blacks and whites. She did everything she could, and her only regret was she couldn’t see it through to the end.


The world was painted red for a second, as some sort of magic cut through the floor and through her flesh, launching her across the room. But then even, that red pain turned grey. She watched from her collapsed position on the floor as countless monsters swarmed through the hole they just made. She watched the the brutality of them cutting into the flesh of her last hope. She watched them murder him. It was already too late- he was gone, that foolish girl was gone, the world had already changed, and then, there was nothing. 

Comments & reviews · 3
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Fantastic! Honestly, you're story is truly magnificent. Where did this idea come from? I've never heard of anything like it. I like the themes in this story and the magical elements. This chapter ended with an enormous cliffhanger. I'll have to read chapter 2.
Anyway, I did notice several mistakes. There were some grammar errors and some things weren't written very well. Some of the sentences seemed kind of rushed and careless, and therefore relatively meaningless. There were times when I wasn't sure what was going on because the wording was bad. For instance, this sentence,

"These two books were the last decades were spent finding older books, but every record they stole claimed them as the oldest surviving."

makes no sense because the wording is flawed and I sense there is some information missing that would really help the readers to understand the situation.
These typos can be easily fixed if you get someone to go through it for you and pick out any mistakes. Possibly multiple people.
Overall, your story is great. It has a lot of potential. The storyline and plot structure is obviously well developed, although some elements are kind of hard to understand. I think the backstory is pretty good and I expect it to be expounded upon later.
Thanks for the awesome story! Can't wait to read chapter 2. Stay Gold!

User avatar
PrincessInk
Review

Hi Zolen--I'm dropping by for a review :) A really fascinating concept you have here: travelling in time! saving the world! spells! switching timelines! I can kind of see a mix between sci-fi and fantasy and so far I'm loving this.

You posted this as chapter 1, but I feel like it's a prologue. I think the fact that the characters aren't named here is contributing to the prologue-ish feel. You keep using, "harsh-voiced woman" here. If you need to use her so many times, why don't you give her a name? Or since I learned she was the leader, call her "the leader" if you have a good reason not to name her. Or the other characters. This is just my personal opinion, but I prefer named characters over unnamed characters. It's easier to relate and connect to than just "the dark-headed girl".

Another part that bothered me a lot was the paragraphs talking about how the group ended up here. This is an infodump. When I was reading that part, I was thinking, "Okay, this is interesting, but what's going to happen to the others? I don't really need to know this now--come on, later!" Infodumps are usually boring compared to the rest of the story and I prefer to spread it out over the pages. Infodumps equals telling, too. For example, if you were talking about the book titles, you could have the leader take one last look at the books, mouthing the title to herself; or something like that. But I think majority of the infodump is unnecessary here. Just chop, chop, chop; move it later and slide it into the narrative.

Conflict-wise, this is great! This person needs to go back in time. The humans are willing to sacrifice themselves for that reason, so it must be something really, really urgent! So I am wondering, when the timeline changes and the universe moves away, will everybody in that particular timeline die?

I hope you have fun writing your novel. Have a great day!

~Princess Ink~

This originally was a prologue, but it grew into a chapter, so lots of prologue based things, such as withholding names has been kept. As i have later plans for that, I rather keep their names for when they would have more meaning to be shown.

I often used prologues as info dump spots, in order to get all the needed information out of the way so the rest of the story makes a bit more sense.

There is no other way I can express what happened because its from a timeline does not exist anymore. With the only people left from that timeline learning about it from their teacher when they were kids. So it would have been a info dump no matter how I tried to express it. There is no way to show it that would not require a massive segway from the story.

As for what happens to them when the timeline shifts away. It is mentioned several times, and the very end says it again. Robotic voice girl mentioned how they stop existing, which she considers worse then dying, and the end of the chapter mentions how everything simply fades out of existence.

Thanks for the crit.

User avatar
RoseTulipLily
Review

Greetings! Let's get right into the review!

Criticism:
"Three figures rushed through the pitch black hallways, survivors they called themselves. Their dark gear blended in with the shadows and the masks they wore made sure none would ever see their faces. Despite the dark, they ran through cave like structures as if they knew the place by heart, easily jumping over and side stepping bones, stalagmites, and puddles. Footsteps filled the tunnel as they ran, but that was quickly muffled under the blare of sirens, the abandoned feel of the place conflicting with the modern electronic alarm." Okay, so this is an alright opening paragraph, but I have some critiques and sorry in advance is I ever seen nitpicky. It is definitely not my intention.

First off, 'Three figures rushed through the pitch black hallways, survivors they called themselves. Their dark gear blended in with the shadows and the masks they wore made sure none would ever see their faces.' For this example, there should be a period instead of a comma between the word 'hallways' and the word 'survivors'. Secondly, I really don't think that it is necessary to say that the masks made sure their faces were covered since that is exactly what a mask is for so there is no need to explain it. Just my opinion, though, so make of that whatever you will.

"Despite the dark, they ran through cave like structures as if they knew the place by heart, easily jumping over and side stepping bones, stalagmites, and puddles." there should a "the" before the word 'cave'.

'A stifled male laugh escaped from one of the trio as they finally reached the end tunnels. Their memory of their target *guided* them more *than* any light.' Is the correct way to say this.

Also, I've noticed several dialogue punctuation errors where there are periods instead of commas. For example, “Twenty four seconds since the cameras caught us, twelve minutes since team Harley started fighting.” The robotic girl muttered. “I’m still doing my job.” The period between the word "fighting" and the words "the robotic girl" should be replaced with a comma. This is just one example and I am certain you can find the others yourself.

"She almost yelled, her voice almost robotic despite her tone." The word 'almost' is used twice in this sentence and you always want to avoid overusing certain words, so I suggest deleting one of them here.

"The leader said, her usual harsh tone was highlighted by her body taking on a red glow." In this Cassie, either delete the word "was" or put a period between the word 'said' and the word 'her' or you could simply say "The leader's usual harsh tone was highlighted by her body taking on a red glow.' without ever saying 'the leader said' since the reader already knows she is the one saying this. Make of those suggestion whatever you will.

'A mess of long reddish-orange hair hung off his pale face, red eyes, and white eyebrows, *hinting* at *a* mutated case of albinism.' Is the correct way to say this.

Alright, so criticism aside, I very enjoyed this. The character interactions and premise seemed quite interesting and I look forward to reading more in the future. Keep writing!

Thank you for the grammar and thematic error point outs. No matter how much you edit something, there will always be some mistakes left over. Side effect of knowing what you want to write and express, so your mind auto completes stuff. So I really love reviews that get into all of the errors like this.

You're welcome and yeah that happens to every writer all the time



Human minds are more full of mysteries than any written book and more changeable than the cloud shapes in the air.
— Louisa May Alcott