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Demon vs. A brand new world by Unique Arianna Gomez

by ZayZayAG


Demon vs. A brand new world

By: Unique A. Gomez

(Xavier’s origin story)

Finished 1/30/2024

A demon’s powers cater to the imagination. Those with very strong ones, have an amazing time with their magic. Xavier is one of those demons. She’s used her powers for countless things. From lifting a pebble to holding up falling buildings to creating new planets so everyone has a place to belong. Even though Xavier has been alive for 1,000+ years, she, like anyone else, has a beginning. Let’s take a look at it. Shall we?

Xavier was born on April 1st, 1009. She was born to Lucifer Morningstar and a human woman, Frankie Sinclair. Unfortunately, Frankie did not make it out alive. And for a long time, doctors were stumped on her mother's strange death. That was until they tested Xavier’s DNA. When they did, everything fell into place. Xavier was 99% demon and 1% human. Frankie’s body couldn’t handle such a strain, so it took her. Her father took it pretty hard and swore to protect Xavier at all cost. And for 2 years that’s how it was. All that changed in a heartbeat on Xavier’s 3rd birthday.

On that day, the devil invited everyone from hell to come and celebrate with them. It was all fun and games until Felix walked into their home. Felix was the most mischievous and misbehaved kid in all of the down below. He came in with a plan. And that was to make Xavier mad. Xavier was calmly sitting and talking to some other demon girls when Felix came and pulled her hair. She stood up quickly and glared at him. “What was that for?!” she screamed. Suddenly, the smell of raspberry-coconut filled the house. Everyone stopped and watched the fuming 3-year-old. “Whatcha gonna do about it? You gonna tell your daddy on me?” Felix said, mockingly. He then placed his hand on her tan skinned arm. All of a sudden, he jerked his hand off faster than you can say Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. “She-she burned me!” Felix exclaimed. “I didn’t move. I didn’t do anything.” Xavier said while staring at her arm. Woooosh! A huge gust of wind came from behind everyone. “Parties over. OUT! NOW!” the devil said while blowing everyone out of his palace. “Dad! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt him! I-.” “I know exactly what happened. There is something that I’ve been avoiding telling you.”. He took a deep breath, sat her down, and started explaining. “As you know, I have magical powers. I have them because my father did. And his father and his father before that. Well, because I have powers, you do, too. You were mad when that boy pulled your hair, right?” Xavier nodded her head. “Well, when we get mad, your skin will start to heat up until you calm down. Similarly, when you get sad, your skin will be freezing until you cheer up. I will teach you how to control all of your emotions and powers.” And he did just that. For the next year, he taught her how to fully control every emotion and every power she possessed. By the time she was 4, Xavier had 100% control of her newly found powers. Her dad thought it was time to take the next step. 

“You ready, Xavier?” he asked with a huge smile stretching across his face. Today was Xavier’s first day of school. Not only that, but it was her first day in the human world. “Yes!” Xavier screamed from her room. She was filled to the brim with fear of a new place. Her father had gone up to the school a few days before to talk to the staff about Xavier’s special side. “She has amazing control of her powers, but her emotions are under construction. This school is amazing but I need to know the procedures for if she even gets a little mad.” “Don’t worry. Our school has taken into consideration the demon children in our world. We made it a school rule that every single teacher must have an action plan if a demon child gets even a slight bit of upset.” Mr. Gomez explained. One of the many reasons her father enjoyed this school so much was because it was where he met Frankie and Frankie’s dad was the principal. “Good. Well, see you monday. Oh, and don’t tell anyone of Xavier’s DNA. I don’t want the kids to be scared before she arrives.” “You have my word.” 

Her father teleported them to the front of the school and kissed her gently on the forehead. “I ovle uyo. Avhe a ogod dya!” he father said in demon tongue. (Translate: I love you. Have a good day!) “I ovle uyo, oto.” (Translate: I love you, too.) And off Xavier went to a brand new school in a brand new world.

The second she walked in her new classroom, she knew that she would never make friends. Everyone had bright shirts and blue jeans. She had a solid black dress with black leggings and black boots. Everyone's eyes were black, brown, blue, or green. Her’s were 2 different colors. One blood-red and the other a midnight-purple. Her hair is what stuck out the most. Her hair was an eclipse black with bright red highlights. No one had anything like that. Only solid colors covered the other children's heads. She quickly took a seat in the far back of the classroom by herself and waited for the teacher. Clap, clap, clap! The whole room fell silent. “ Good morning, class! First things first. We have a new student today! Xavier, would you like to come to the front of the classroom and introduce yourself?” Mrs. Raven said. Xavier nodded and slowly walked to the front of the classroom. “H-Hi. I’m X-X-Xavier and I’m f-f-four years old.” All of the students welcomed her enthusiastically. Then someone thought it would be nice to throw a pencil, aiming dead at Xavier. When she saw it, she crouched down in fear and stuck her hand out, freezing it mid-air. Everyone looked at her in awe. She dropped the pencil and started making her way back to her seat. “Do it again! Do it again!” the class chanted. She enjoyed the attention and continued to do magic for her class.

 After that day, the whole class became a huge friend group. They stayed friends for a long time. Everyone knew everything about each other. She was so glad she was to have such an unforgettable, understanding group of friends. If someone got bullied, everyone was on it. If someone was in a relationship, everyone was in it. There were absolutely no secrets in this group. They all got along just fine. Until, it all came crumbling down.

They had just enough people to make that class the school's cheer squad out of just them. The power team was their name and they were there to stay. They were about to have try-outs for a new flier. Alix and Gage (2 people from the group) were practicing the routine the students would have to perform. Gage was the base and Alix was the flier. Xavier went to the locker room for 5 seconds, until she heard a loud Thud! from the gym, followed by 2 angry cheerleaders. She walks in to see Alix laying on the ground and Gage about to kick her. Right before he did, Xavier stopped his foot in action, just like the pencil he threw at her. “What in the name of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is going on here?!” Xavier exclaimed. “He dropped me while doing a cupie and just walked away.” Alix said, holding back tears of pain and frustration. “I went to go get ice and then you started yelling at me and -” “ENOUGH!” Xavier yelled. Her skin was lava-hot and the room smelled like raspberry-coconut. “WE HAVE TO START TRY-OUTS IN 30 MINUTES! GAGE, ICE! ALIX, IF YOUR NOT BETTER IN 25 MINUTES I’M GONNA REPLACE YOU AS FLIER! GOT IT!?” Xavier felt her skin and knew she needed to calm down in order to do try-outs. She ran out the back door and to her section of the school garden. The school knew how close Xavier was to nature so they provided her with half of the school's shared garden. She was allowed to grow anything to make it feel comfortable. Her garden was full of red, black, white, and purple roses. She also included an A/C system so she could cool off. She sat in the middle and took deep breaths. She made the roses form a dome around her. She took out her phone and headphones, put her headphones on, and completely zoned the world out. When she cooled down, it had been exactly 25 minutes, so she went to go check on Alix and the try-outs.

“How’s Alix? Can she fly?” Xavier said. “She sprained her ankle.” Gage said. “Alix, do you wanna fly?” “Yes.” Xavier then placed her hand gently on her ankle and they noticed a small bright green from under Xavier’s cheer uniform. There has and always will be a way to tell what power Xavier was using. She always wore a crystal necklace around her neck. It would be black until she used her powers. Light blue for air, dark green for earth, dark blue for water, yellow for lighting, red for fire, light green for healing, purple for dark magic, and white for anything else. After having Xavier’s hand on Alix’s ankle for 5 seconds, her necklace stopped glowing and Alix could walk perfectly fine. A few cartwheels later, Alix was ready for try-outs.

 Alix and Gage seemed fine during try-outs. They were able to do the routine 25 times for the students. But afterwards, they both decided that they were no longer friends. They would always fake it for the sake of the team. When they performed, they acted like the best of friends, but the second there was no longer in front of them, they would act like each other didn’t matter or was even there. Later, after a huge competition, 2 others got into an argument. And another, and another, and another. Until, no one was friends with anyone. Some even left the squad to avoid certain people. And just like that, the power team was no more. No one liked anyone anymore. Xavier was alone. She felt like her life had started all over again. Only for a week though.

Clap, clap, clap! Xavier’s history teacher stepped into the room. “ Good morning! Before we start class today, I have a very special and important announcement.” Then, her teacher signed for someone to come in and a boy walked through the classroom doors. “ This is Jayden and he is new here at Cypress Junior High School. I don’t have to tell you to be nice and welcoming.” Jaden went and sat in the far back corner. “Xavier, can I talk to you outside?” Xavier got up from her seat and met the teacher outside the classroom. “Can you sit with him and try to make friends with him? Please?” her teacher asked. “OF COURSE!” She said with pure excitement. And just like that she had made the best decision of her 1st life ever. She took Jayden out of the classroom and gave him a tour of the school. “....And this is the cafeteria.” she said. Xavier could tell he was getting bored with using her mind reading powers. “Wanna spice this up a bit?” she asked with a smile on her face. “Sure?” Jayden said hesitantly. Xavier, then, snaps and turns out the lights. “Sit back and enjoy the show.” Jayden sits at one of the tables and looks at the stage. It’s pitch black when Xavier, all of a sudden lit up the stage with 2 fire balls that she was juggling. Jayden sat there in pure awe. “That was-” “Extra. I know I’m sorry. Let’s continue the tour.” Xavier started to walk away when Jayden grabbed her arm. “I was gonna say that was amazing. You’re an awesome girl, Xavier.” She blushed and continued the tour of the school.

 The next day, Jayden surprised her with 5 dozen roses. Days turned into weeks turned into months that Jayden and Xavier spent together. They grew closer and closer. Until one day, when both of their worlds turned upside down.

Xavier was minding her own business when she noticed Jayden crying his eyes out. “Jayden? Are you okay?” He said nothing. Just got up and hugged Xavier with full force. “M-my little b-brother went m-m-missing yesterday and I can’t f-f-find him!” Jayden then felt something grab his hand and saw Xavier’s necklace glow white. Then her eyes went snow white and she started chanting it a foreign language. “ Tiny time playground.” Xavier mumbled. “Huh?” “Go there NOW! Better yet.” Xavier graded Jayden's hand and teleported them to the park. “Swing set.” They both ran over to the swing set and there was his little brother, Jordan. “OH MY GOD! Thank you so much Xavier! I don’t know how to thank you!” "It's really nothing. I'd do anything for my best frie-" Before she could finish her thought, Jaden had pull Xavier close and kissed her. "Oh my God. I am so so so sorry. I don't know what I was thi-" She then pulled him back in. "EWWWWWW!" Jordan exclaimed. They chuckled. "I thought you were only suppost to kiss your girlfriend like that. Alix won't be very happy to here about this." Jordan says. Xavier pushes Jaden away. "Alix. Like ex-cheerleader Alix. Like my best friend Alix." Tears began filling her eyes and her skin started collecting a thin layer of frost. "Yes, that Alix but it's not you think." Jaden then crouched down to talk to Jordan. " Alix is my tutor. And she is a what?" Jordan looks confused for a second and then came to a moment of realization. "She's a lesbian. And that means she likes girls." Xavier sat there with a blank look on her face while her body slowly warms back up. "That's right, Jordan." Jaden and Xavier say in synced. Just when they pulled each other in, something caught the corner of Xavier's eye. A huge amount of fire and smoke randomly appeared beside them. "Hey, dad." Xavier uttered. "Hey, sweetie. How is my beautiful little girl?" "I'm fine." Fear had taken over Jaden's body from head to toe. " And this fine, young gentleman must be Jaden? Put 'er there, son." Jaden's hand trembled as he met her dad's. "I don't bite." Jaden put on a smile and shook his hand. "Well, I was just doing a little check in. I gotta go now. See you later, sweetheart." Lucifer gave Xavier a small kiss on the forehead. "Oh! Jaden? You have my blessing." Lucifer said while delivering a wink before vanishing into thin air. Xavier pulled him in for another kiss. Her life felt complete. Later that night, Xavier went home, ecstatic to see her 1st true love the next day. Little did she know, her life was gonna take a wild and unexpected turn of events.

 Jaden skipped happily past the huge crowd of people that he found normal at his school. That was until one of them bumped him and he saw their uniform. “Sorry, man. My-” Demon-be-gone. Demon exterminators Jaden read on the man's uniform. The smellof flames and fear brushed his nose. He looked in the direction of the smell and horrification drenched his face. Xavier is surrounded by a ring of fire, her top line of defense. "Please. I don't want to bring harm to anyone." Xavier said, her voice shaking. “You don’t belong here! You don’t belong here!” The crowd of people chanted behind the hunters. “LEAVE HER ALONE!” Jaden wailed with cracks in his voice. The hunters started shooting her with special tranquilizer darts made for “her kind”. She was so coated in fear. So much she didn’t see the darts flying at her. The 1st few missed, but the only one that landed hit the worst possible spot, her necklace. Her necklace was the only thing that kept her from being controlled by her demon tendencies. If that necklace was to every break, you must collect all the shards and throw them in a special concoction that only the royal family, Xavier’s family, can make. When the necklace was hit, all hell broke loose, quite literally.

Xavier tried using the last bit of her powers to summon the ingredients to put the necklace, but it was too late. The darkness was coming and it was coming fast. From the spot the broken shard layed, an orb of pitch black darkness consumed her. It slowly stripped her of her humanity. She went full demon mode. She lost the innocents in her eye and it was replaced with the urge to destroy. She looked just like her father, but not in a good way. Xavier was no more. Xavian was here to play.

 Xavier, being both demon and human, has 2 sides. There's Xavier, her more innocent side, her more humanity driven side. Then there's Xavian. Her pure demon side. Xavian had only been released one other time and it was legitimate hell on earth.

 The orb left in a huge explosion. Jaden immediately ran towards "Xavier". "Oh my God! Sweetie, are you ok?" He said, placing her hand on her shoulder. The second his hand made contact with her skin, it started to sizzle. "Frick! That hurt. What the heck!? " Xavian then placed her hand on his chest and shoved him. With a boost of power and shock of air and electricity, she pushed him 100ft away from her. "Do not touch me!" Xavian roared. "No, no, no!" Jaden uttered, with the worst shake in his voice. Xavian went off to terrorize the people of the living world, and he knew that it was his only chance. He ran over to where she was and collected the shards of her crystal and ran home.

 He found her spell book and tried to fix it. Before you drop the shards in, the mixture is supposed to glow. Indicating that it has been mixed correctly. Jaden waited, and waited, and waited, but no glow. He re-read the recipe and noticed he had missed a key step in the instructions. 'Can only be made by the king/queen and the royal family' "How could I miss that?! I need to call him. Only way possible." He picked up the phone and dialed the number. "Hello?" A grumbling voice said on the other side. "This is Xavier’s father, right?" Lucifer shot up in his chair. "Who are you and what have you done to my daughter?!" "Sir, don't worry. This is Jaden. Something happened here and I need your help. Could you come over?" He said, sounding in a hurry. "No can do, son. Since I'm no longer king, I have to be granted permission from the queen to leave hell." "Crap. That is not a possibility for the time being." "Well, there's only one opinion." And with the snap of a finger, Jaden found himself, the shards, and Xavier’s spell book in the hottest place off earth.

 "Welcome! Sorry for the heat. That's just how we roll." “It’s fine. I really do need your help.” Lucifer takes Jaden back to his castle and brings him to the spell room. “How did you know that I needed your help with magic?” Jaden stuttered in confusion. “Remember, son, I can read minds. Also, you're holding my daughter’s spell book.” “Oh yeah.” “So, what happened to Xavier?” Jaden sits him down and explains the whole story. The people, the bullets, the fear in her eyes, the orb, everything. “I tried to mix the poison myself, but since I’m not a part of the royal family, officially…” “...you can't mix it and save her.”the devil said, pure sorrow in his voice. That sorrow quickly turned into anger. “Those humans. I knew I would regret putting her in a human school. Now, everyone is going to think of her as a-a-a…""...monster. For the record, sir, your daughter is the kindest, most amazingly thoughtful person I've ever met in my entire life. Even if the entire world thinks she is crazy and a ravenous beast, I can promise you that I will always love her. And that, I can swear to you.” Lucifer calmed down and gently placed his hand on Jaden’s shoulder. “Let’s save my daughter.” “And that we will!”

In the blink of an eye, the 2 boys were running to every corner of hell looking for the ingredients. Once gathered, Lucifer and Jaden took them back to Lucifer’s lab. “A dash of this, a pinch of that, a handful of this…” “Great! All that is left is to recite the magical words.” Lucifer uttered. He cracked his knuckles, his neck, and took a deep breath. As he recited the verse, he dropped the shards into the mixture. Once he finished, the pot lit up. The newly formed crystal floated from the cauldron and binded itself to its original chain. It zipped around the room and landed perfectly in Jaden's hands. “Now let’s go save my daughter!” Lucier said, with actual fire in his eyes. “And the love of my life!” They were on a mission. A mission to save the world, and to save Xavier.

They briskly teleported back to earth. When Luifer and Jaden looked up, they stepped back in pure awe. Xavier was truly no more. Xavian was terrorizing everyone in her path. “You didn’t tell me it was this bad!” Lucifer stood there with his jaw hitting the ground. Xavier, being part human, had an extra stage of her demon possession. All her humanity was gone. She was an embodiment of rage, frustration, and revenge. “How long has she been in this state for?!” “About… 25-ish minutes.” “Oh no! We have about 35 minutes left to save her before this side of her takes over and doesn't let her innocence return.” They sprung into action.

They came up with a plan. They would corner her somewhere and then throw the necklace at her, thus trapping Xavin back where she belonged. But how to do that…? “I GOT IT!” Lucifer jumped with excitement. “We bring all of her kindergarten friends in! Genius, right?” “Riiight. About that…” Lucifer was visibly confused. “They kinda aren’t friends anymore. They had a huge fall out and now none of them talk. Like, at all.” “Now what? My baby girl will be gone forever” Lucifer said, while his eyes filled with tears.” “I’ll do it.” Jaden was fully confident and willing to sacrifice himself to save his beloved. “I told you I would love her no matter what. Well, this is me proving that to you. Just tell me what I have to do.” “Slow your roll, kid. I have something that will keep you safe-” “That’s great, cuz I don't wanna di-""-hopefully.” Lucier muttered. “What do you mean hopefully?!” “Well, it’s never been tested with her going full demon-zilla, but the idea is that it will shield you from her attacks.” “It’s worth a shot.” The plan was in motion. Just time to execute it.

“Xavier! Xavier!” Jaden called out. “Someone wants to say hi.” Xavian turned around to see the girl she despised the most on his arm, Vanessa. The world fell silent as she turned around. Xavian casted a sleep spell on Vanessa. The second she was asleep, Jaden ran like his life depended on it, which it did. He ran into a space that he father created. The second she entered the threshold, her powers wouldn’t respond like they were supposed to. She could summon fire and a duck would spawn. Jaden ran into the threshold and Xavian followed. She went to attack Jaden with a sleep spell, but confetti came out. “What is this!? Why aren’t my powers working?!” “NOW! JADEN!” When Xavian turned around, Jaden was gone. He had climbed her, thanks to Lucifer's. “Good night, Xavian.” Jaden said, shoving the necklace into her chest. When it made contact with her pale skin, a glow of light came out of it. A blast came shortly after, knocking Jaden off of her and causing him to faint. “Noooo! I’m not done!” Xavian screamed in agony. Slowly, Xavier was returning. She went back to normal size and regained her original appearance. When Jaden woke up, he ran straight to her. She was so weak and helpless. Jaden scooped her up and brought her to her father. “Help her! Please!” Jaden exclaimed, tears streaming down his face. Lucifer placed his hands on her and started to heal. Time passed and she showed no signs of recovery. “Come on, sweetie! Wake up.” “Xavier… Please… don't go.” Jaden said, losing hope. After some time, she regained her strength and stood up. As soon as she caught her balance, Jaden ran and hugged her tight. “I thought I was going to lose you.” “You can’t get rid of me that easily.” Jaden let Xavier go, then they shared a tender kiss. She then felt a small tap on her shoulder. “Dad!” Lucifer picked her up and swung her around. “Oh! My sweet girl.” He put her down. Xavier turned around, seeing the mass destruction she created. “Ummmm… did I do that?” “Yeah.” Jaden and Lucifer said. “Well, it’s clean up time.” With a quick spell, she cleaned up the city and healed all that were injured.

 3 weeks later, Xavier had a meeting with the demon council. “Xavier Aria Morningstar. You are accused of destroying an entire city with your magic. Care to explain?” The chairman uttered. “Yes. Um… well y-you see…” She onlys stutters when she's nervous. She hadn’t stuttered that hard since Pre-K. “Demon hunters found me and tried to tranquilize me, but missed and broke my necklace.” “You do know the state that you left that city and its citizens, correct?” one of the chairwomen said, raising an eyebrow. “On the contrary, ma’am. I repaired the city with my magic. Look!” Xavier made a portal to the other city, revealing the gleaming streets and happy citizens. “I-I don’t believe this. No demon has ever repaired something they decimated before.” “What can I say? Earth is a beautiful place. I want to protect it.” “Well, I guess she is ready.” The chairman mumbled “Ready for what?” “You are no longer just Xavier Aria Morningstar, princess of hell…” confusion covered her face. “...You are now Xavier Aria Morningstar, QUEEN OF HELL!” “OMG!” Her life was perfect. She had the perfect crown, perfect dad, perfect boyfriend, perfect friends. She had all she could ever want and hope for. And she lived happily ever after.

The End... for now


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KateHardy wrote a review...



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Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!


First Impression

Well this was quite an adorable little story for being about someone's who's 99% a demon. I think Xavier is a very entertaining little character as were Jaden and Lucifer. It makes for quite the comedic trio.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

A demon’s powers cater to the imagination. Those with very strong ones, have an amazing time with their magic. Xavier is one of those demons. She’s used her powers for countless things. From lifting a pebble to holding up falling buildings to creating new planets so everyone has a place to belong. Even though Xavier has been alive for 1,000+ years, she, like anyone else, has a beginning. Let’s take a look at it. Shall we?

Xavier was born on April 1st, 1009. She was born to Lucifer Morningstar and a human woman, Frankie Sinclair. Unfortunately, Frankie did not make it out alive. And for a long time, doctors were stumped on her mother's strange death. That was until they tested Xavier’s DNA. When they did, everything fell into place. Xavier was 99% demon and 1% human. Frankie’s body couldn’t handle such a strain, so it took her. Her father took it pretty hard and swore to protect Xavier at all cost. And for 2 years that’s how it was. All that changed in a heartbeat on Xavier’s 3rd birthday.


Well that's quite the little origin story there. Already some interesting little vibes coming across and I think you've done a good job there pulling us in. Its quite the bit of DNA that.

On that day, the devil invited everyone from hell to come and celebrate with them. It was all fun and games until Felix walked into their home. Felix was the most mischievous and misbehaved kid in all of the down below. He came in with a plan. And that was to make Xavier mad. Xavier was calmly sitting and talking to some other demon girls when Felix came and pulled her hair. She stood up quickly and glared at him. “What was that for?!” she screamed. Suddenly, the smell of raspberry-coconut filled the house. Everyone stopped and watched the fuming 3-year-old. “Whatcha gonna do about it? You gonna tell your daddy on me?” Felix said, mockingly. He then placed his hand on her tan skinned arm. All of a sudden, he jerked his hand off faster than you can say Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. “She-she burned me!” Felix exclaimed. “I didn’t move. I didn’t do anything.” Xavier said while staring at her arm. Woooosh! A huge gust of wind came from behind everyone. “Parties over. OUT! NOW!” the devil said while blowing everyone out of his palace. “Dad! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt him! I-.” “I know exactly what happened. There is something that I’ve been avoiding telling you.”. He took a deep breath, sat her down, and started explaining. “As you know, I have magical powers. I have them because my father did. And his father and his father before that. Well, because I have powers, you do, too. You were mad when that boy pulled your hair, right?” Xavier nodded her head. “Well, when we get mad, your skin will start to heat up until you calm down. Similarly, when you get sad, your skin will be freezing until you cheer up. I will teach you how to control all of your emotions and powers.” And he did just that. For the next year, he taught her how to fully control every emotion and every power she possessed. By the time she was 4, Xavier had 100% control of her newly found powers. Her dad thought it was time to take the next step.


Oooh okayy that's a pretty quick way to learn through what appears to be some pretty complex powers especially at the age of three. Looks like Xavier here is really smart too on top of being quite powerful. Definitely a force to be reckoned with.

“You ready, Xavier?” he asked with a huge smile stretching across his face. Today was Xavier’s first day of school. Not only that, but it was her first day in the human world. “Yes!” Xavier screamed from her room. She was filled to the brim with fear of a new place. Her father had gone up to the school a few days before to talk to the staff about Xavier’s special side. “She has amazing control of her powers, but her emotions are under construction. This school is amazing but I need to know the procedures for if she even gets a little mad.” “Don’t worry. Our school has taken into consideration the demon children in our world. We made it a school rule that every single teacher must have an action plan if a demon child gets even a slight bit of upset.” Mr. Gomez explained. One of the many reasons her father enjoyed this school so much was because it was where he met Frankie and Frankie’s dad was the principal. “Good. Well, see you monday. Oh, and don’t tell anyone of Xavier’s DNA. I don’t want the kids to be scared before she arrives.” “You have my word.”


Hmm well that looks like a pretty solid policy to have with regards to what looks like a potentially dangerous situation with the kids there especially if emotion is such a big factor even for someone with complete mastery over the powers there.

Her father teleported them to the front of the school and kissed her gently on the forehead. “I ovle uyo. Avhe a ogod dya!” he father said in demon tongue. (Translate: I love you. Have a good day!) “I ovle uyo, oto.” (Translate: I love you, too.) And off Xavier went to a brand new school in a brand new world.

The second she walked in her new classroom, she knew that she would never make friends. Everyone had bright shirts and blue jeans. She had a solid black dress with black leggings and black boots. Everyone's eyes were black, brown, blue, or green. Her’s were 2 different colors. One blood-red and the other a midnight-purple. Her hair is what stuck out the most. Her hair was an eclipse black with bright red highlights. No one had anything like that. Only solid colors covered the other children's heads. She quickly took a seat in the far back of the classroom by herself and waited for the teacher. Clap, clap, clap! The whole room fell silent. “ Good morning, class! First things first. We have a new student today! Xavier, would you like to come to the front of the classroom and introduce yourself?” Mrs. Raven said. Xavier nodded and slowly walked to the front of the classroom. “H-Hi. I’m X-X-Xavier and I’m f-f-four years old.” All of the students welcomed her enthusiastically. Then someone thought it would be nice to throw a pencil, aiming dead at Xavier. When she saw it, she crouched down in fear and stuck her hand out, freezing it mid-air. Everyone looked at her in awe. She dropped the pencil and started making her way back to her seat. “Do it again! Do it again!” the class chanted. She enjoyed the attention and continued to do magic for her class.


Well that seem like a typical four year old introduction there before of course we have a lovely little burst of magic to liven things up there. I think that's a fun little moment there, showcasing them immediately becoming friends and the magic being a fun little moment for everyone.

After that day, the whole class became a huge friend group. They stayed friends for a long time. Everyone knew everything about each other. She was so glad she was to have such an unforgettable, understanding group of friends. If someone got bullied, everyone was on it. If someone was in a relationship, everyone was in it. There were absolutely no secrets in this group. They all got along just fine. Until, it all came crumbling down.

They had just enough people to make that class the school's cheer squad out of just them. The power team was their name and they were there to stay. They were about to have try-outs for a new flier. Alix and Gage (2 people from the group) were practicing the routine the students would have to perform. Gage was the base and Alix was the flier. Xavier went to the locker room for 5 seconds, until she heard a loud Thud! from the gym, followed by 2 angry cheerleaders. She walks in to see Alix laying on the ground and Gage about to kick her. Right before he did, Xavier stopped his foot in action, just like the pencil he threw at her. “What in the name of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is going on here?!” Xavier exclaimed. “He dropped me while doing a cupie and just walked away.” Alix said, holding back tears of pain and frustration. “I went to go get ice and then you started yelling at me and -” “ENOUGH!” Xavier yelled. Her skin was lava-hot and the room smelled like raspberry-coconut. “WE HAVE TO START TRY-OUTS IN 30 MINUTES! GAGE, ICE! ALIX, IF YOUR NOT BETTER IN 25 MINUTES I’M GONNA REPLACE YOU AS FLIER! GOT IT!?” Xavier felt her skin and knew she needed to calm down in order to do try-outs. She ran out the back door and to her section of the school garden. The school knew how close Xavier was to nature so they provided her with half of the school's shared garden. She was allowed to grow anything to make it feel comfortable. Her garden was full of red, black, white, and purple roses. She also included an A/C system so she could cool off. She sat in the middle and took deep breaths. She made the roses form a dome around her. She took out her phone and headphones, put her headphones on, and completely zoned the world out. When she cooled down, it had been exactly 25 minutes, so she went to go check on Alix and the try-outs.


Well this is something here. A gentle little start with those friendships really developing up quite nicely only to run into a little bit of an issue there, definitely raises a question or two that one. Let's hope this gets resolved quickly or poor Xavier's nice little time here is going to suffer.

“How’s Alix? Can she fly?” Xavier said. “She sprained her ankle.” Gage said. “Alix, do you wanna fly?” “Yes.” Xavier then placed her hand gently on her ankle and they noticed a small bright green from under Xavier’s cheer uniform. There has and always will be a way to tell what power Xavier was using. She always wore a crystal necklace around her neck. It would be black until she used her powers. Light blue for air, dark green for earth, dark blue for water, yellow for lighting, red for fire, light green for healing, purple for dark magic, and white for anything else. After having Xavier’s hand on Alix’s ankle for 5 seconds, her necklace stopped glowing and Alix could walk perfectly fine. A few cartwheels later, Alix was ready for try-outs.

Alix and Gage seemed fine during try-outs. They were able to do the routine 25 times for the students. But afterwards, they both decided that they were no longer friends. They would always fake it for the sake of the team. When they performed, they acted like the best of friends, but the second there was no longer in front of them, they would act like each other didn’t matter or was even there. Later, after a huge competition, 2 others got into an argument. And another, and another, and another. Until, no one was friends with anyone. Some even left the squad to avoid certain people. And just like that, the power team was no more. No one liked anyone anymore. Xavier was alone. She felt like her life had started all over again. Only for a week though.


Oh nuuu as typical as this can be when it comes to a class with a big moment like that starting to tear things apart and now everyone's mad at everyone in order to satisfy something, its still a sad moment for poor Xavier just trying to have a good time with friends.

Clap, clap, clap! Xavier’s history teacher stepped into the room. “ Good morning! Before we start class today, I have a very special and important announcement.” Then, her teacher signed for someone to come in and a boy walked through the classroom doors. “ This is Jayden and he is new here at Cypress Junior High School. I don’t have to tell you to be nice and welcoming.” Jaden went and sat in the far back corner. “Xavier, can I talk to you outside?” Xavier got up from her seat and met the teacher outside the classroom. “Can you sit with him and try to make friends with him? Please?” her teacher asked. “OF COURSE!” She said with pure excitement. And just like that she had made the best decision of her 1st life ever. She took Jayden out of the classroom and gave him a tour of the school. “....And this is the cafeteria.” she said. Xavier could tell he was getting bored with using her mind reading powers. “Wanna spice this up a bit?” she asked with a smile on her face. “Sure?” Jayden said hesitantly. Xavier, then, snaps and turns out the lights. “Sit back and enjoy the show.” Jayden sits at one of the tables and looks at the stage. It’s pitch black when Xavier, all of a sudden lit up the stage with 2 fire balls that she was juggling. Jayden sat there in pure awe. “That was-” “Extra. I know I’m sorry. Let’s continue the tour.” Xavier started to walk away when Jayden grabbed her arm. “I was gonna say that was amazing. You’re an awesome girl, Xavier.” She blushed and continued the tour of the school.


Oooh a new friendd, well this is progress here. Looks like Xavier might not have to be alone after all. This Jayden appears to be quite enamored with her too so it looks like this is going to be quite a beautiful little friendship here.

The next day, Jayden surprised her with 5 dozen roses. Days turned into weeks turned into months that Jayden and Xavier spent together. They grew closer and closer. Until one day, when both of their worlds turned upside down.

Xavier was minding her own business when she noticed Jayden crying his eyes out. “Jayden? Are you okay?” He said nothing. Just got up and hugged Xavier with full force. “M-my little b-brother went m-m-missing yesterday and I can’t f-f-find him!” Jayden then felt something grab his hand and saw Xavier’s necklace glow white. Then her eyes went snow white and she started chanting it a foreign language. “ Tiny time playground.” Xavier mumbled. “Huh?” “Go there NOW! Better yet.” Xavier graded Jayden's hand and teleported them to the park. “Swing set.” They both ran over to the swing set and there was his little brother, Jordan. “OH MY GOD! Thank you so much Xavier! I don’t know how to thank you!” "It's really nothing. I'd do anything for my best frie-" Before she could finish her thought, Jaden had pull Xavier close and kissed her. "Oh my God. I am so so so sorry. I don't know what I was thi-" She then pulled him back in. "EWWWWWW!" Jordan exclaimed. They chuckled. "I thought you were only suppost to kiss your girlfriend like that. Alix won't be very happy to here about this." Jordan says. Xavier pushes Jaden away. "Alix. Like ex-cheerleader Alix. Like my best friend Alix." Tears began filling her eyes and her skin started collecting a thin layer of frost. "Yes, that Alix but it's not you think." Jaden then crouched down to talk to Jordan. " Alix is my tutor. And she is a what?" Jordan looks confused for a second and then came to a moment of realization. "She's a lesbian. And that means she likes girls." Xavier sat there with a blank look on her face while her body slowly warms back up. "That's right, Jordan." Jaden and Xavier say in synced. Just when they pulled each other in, something caught the corner of Xavier's eye. A huge amount of fire and smoke randomly appeared beside them. "Hey, dad." Xavier uttered. "Hey, sweetie. How is my beautiful little girl?" "I'm fine." Fear had taken over Jaden's body from head to toe. " And this fine, young gentleman must be Jaden? Put 'er there, son." Jaden's hand trembled as he met her dad's. "I don't bite." Jaden put on a smile and shook his hand. "Well, I was just doing a little check in. I gotta go now. See you later, sweetheart." Lucifer gave Xavier a small kiss on the forehead. "Oh! Jaden? You have my blessing." Lucifer said while delivering a wink before vanishing into thin air. Xavier pulled him in for another kiss. Her life felt complete. Later that night, Xavier went home, ecstatic to see her 1st true love the next day. Little did she know, her life was gonna take a wild and unexpected turn of events.


Oooh demon's be moving fast from the looks of things there, not often you find the love of your life that early into school there although I suppose more time could have passed by this point that we fully realize here. Things do seem to be going past fairly quickly here.

Jaden skipped happily past the huge crowd of people that he found normal at his school. That was until one of them bumped him and he saw their uniform. “Sorry, man. My-” Demon-be-gone. Demon exterminators Jaden read on the man's uniform. The smellof flames and fear brushed his nose. He looked in the direction of the smell and horrification drenched his face. Xavier is surrounded by a ring of fire, her top line of defense. "Please. I don't want to bring harm to anyone." Xavier said, her voice shaking. “You don’t belong here! You don’t belong here!” The crowd of people chanted behind the hunters. “LEAVE HER ALONE!” Jaden wailed with cracks in his voice. The hunters started shooting her with special tranquilizer darts made for “her kind”. She was so coated in fear. So much she didn’t see the darts flying at her. The 1st few missed, but the only one that landed hit the worst possible spot, her necklace. Her necklace was the only thing that kept her from being controlled by her demon tendencies. If that necklace was to every break, you must collect all the shards and throw them in a special concoction that only the royal family, Xavier’s family, can make. When the necklace was hit, all hell broke loose, quite literally.


Oh dear that's not going to be very good for everyone around them or the school. I doubt there's going to be a way to quickly cook up some sort of solution to this anytime soon. Well this is destined for some level of disaster, the question is if they're even going to be able to contain it for a brief moment here or even after its all done.

Xavier tried using the last bit of her powers to summon the ingredients to put the necklace, but it was too late. The darkness was coming and it was coming fast. From the spot the broken shard layed, an orb of pitch black darkness consumed her. It slowly stripped her of her humanity. She went full demon mode. She lost the innocents in her eye and it was replaced with the urge to destroy. She looked just like her father, but not in a good way. Xavier was no more. Xavian was here to play.

Xavier, being both demon and human, has 2 sides. There's Xavier, her more innocent side, her more humanity driven side. Then there's Xavian. Her pure demon side. Xavian had only been released one other time and it was legitimate hell on earth.


Oh dear that's not good at all. Xavian definitely seems like the kind of event that could and probably would bring about a bit of an end of the world event here. Definitely much panic flying about in this one.

The orb left in a huge explosion. Jaden immediately ran towards "Xavier". "Oh my God! Sweetie, are you ok?" He said, placing her hand on her shoulder. The second his hand made contact with her skin, it started to sizzle. "Frick! That hurt. What the heck!? " Xavian then placed her hand on his chest and shoved him. With a boost of power and shock of air and electricity, she pushed him 100ft away from her. "Do not touch me!" Xavian roared. "No, no, no!" Jaden uttered, with the worst shake in his voice. Xavian went off to terrorize the people of the living world, and he knew that it was his only chance. He ran over to where she was and collected the shards of her crystal and ran home.

He found her spell book and tried to fix it. Before you drop the shards in, the mixture is supposed to glow. Indicating that it has been mixed correctly. Jaden waited, and waited, and waited, but no glow. He re-read the recipe and noticed he had missed a key step in the instructions. 'Can only be made by the king/queen and the royal family' "How could I miss that?! I need to call him. Only way possible." He picked up the phone and dialed the number. "Hello?" A grumbling voice said on the other side. "This is Xavier’s father, right?" Lucifer shot up in his chair. "Who are you and what have you done to my daughter?!" "Sir, don't worry. This is Jaden. Something happened here and I need your help. Could you come over?" He said, sounding in a hurry. "No can do, son. Since I'm no longer king, I have to be granted permission from the queen to leave hell." "Crap. That is not a possibility for the time being." "Well, there's only one opinion." And with the snap of a finger, Jaden found himself, the shards, and Xavier’s spell book in the hottest place off earth.


Oooh there's that little catch with the whole royal family being essential thing, well let's see if Jayden here is going to be able to figure this out, looks like at least for the moment Lucifer's doing something to help even if he looks to be in a bit of a tough spot himself.

"Welcome! Sorry for the heat. That's just how we roll." “It’s fine. I really do need your help.” Lucifer takes Jaden back to his castle and brings him to the spell room. “How did you know that I needed your help with magic?” Jaden stuttered in confusion. “Remember, son, I can read minds. Also, you're holding my daughter’s spell book.” “Oh yeah.” “So, what happened to Xavier?” Jaden sits him down and explains the whole story. The people, the bullets, the fear in her eyes, the orb, everything. “I tried to mix the poison myself, but since I’m not a part of the royal family, officially…” “...you can't mix it and save her.”the devil said, pure sorrow in his voice. That sorrow quickly turned into anger. “Those humans. I knew I would regret putting her in a human school. Now, everyone is going to think of her as a-a-a…""...monster. For the record, sir, your daughter is the kindest, most amazingly thoughtful person I've ever met in my entire life. Even if the entire world thinks she is crazy and a ravenous beast, I can promise you that I will always love her. And that, I can swear to you.” Lucifer calmed down and gently placed his hand on Jaden’s shoulder. “Let’s save my daughter.” “And that we will!”


Oooh well that's a fun moment the two of them getting to bond a little to save Xavier. I love the little moment there from Lucifer too to be worried about what happened and then about poor Xavier's reputation once all of this unleashing has gone down.

In the blink of an eye, the 2 boys were running to every corner of hell looking for the ingredients. Once gathered, Lucifer and Jaden took them back to Lucifer’s lab. “A dash of this, a pinch of that, a handful of this…” “Great! All that is left is to recite the magical words.” Lucifer uttered. He cracked his knuckles, his neck, and took a deep breath. As he recited the verse, he dropped the shards into the mixture. Once he finished, the pot lit up. The newly formed crystal floated from the cauldron and binded itself to its original chain. It zipped around the room and landed perfectly in Jaden's hands. “Now let’s go save my daughter!” Lucier said, with actual fire in his eyes. “And the love of my life!” They were on a mission. A mission to save the world, and to save Xavier.

They briskly teleported back to earth. When Luifer and Jaden looked up, they stepped back in pure awe. Xavier was truly no more. Xavian was terrorizing everyone in her path. “You didn’t tell me it was this bad!” Lucifer stood there with his jaw hitting the ground. Xavier, being part human, had an extra stage of her demon possession. All her humanity was gone. She was an embodiment of rage, frustration, and revenge. “How long has she been in this state for?!” “About… 25-ish minutes.” “Oh no! We have about 35 minutes left to save her before this side of her takes over and doesn't let her innocence return.” They sprung into action.


Well looks like we have a bit of a time limit ticking down here. I suspected as much, now to see if these two can somehow figure out a way to solve this. Looks like Lucifer's taking no chances with this and is bypassing the queen's orders to come and save his daughter too. You can see they both love her very much.

They came up with a plan. They would corner her somewhere and then throw the necklace at her, thus trapping Xavin back where she belonged. But how to do that…? “I GOT IT!” Lucifer jumped with excitement. “We bring all of her kindergarten friends in! Genius, right?” “Riiight. About that…” Lucifer was visibly confused. “They kinda aren’t friends anymore. They had a huge fall out and now none of them talk. Like, at all.” “Now what? My baby girl will be gone forever” Lucifer said, while his eyes filled with tears.” “I’ll do it.” Jaden was fully confident and willing to sacrifice himself to save his beloved. “I told you I would love her no matter what. Well, this is me proving that to you. Just tell me what I have to do.” “Slow your roll, kid. I have something that will keep you safe-” “That’s great, cuz I don't wanna di-""-hopefully.” Lucier muttered. “What do you mean hopefully?!” “Well, it’s never been tested with her going full demon-zilla, but the idea is that it will shield you from her attacks.” “It’s worth a shot.” The plan was in motion. Just time to execute it.


Oooh looks like Jaden really does care a lot there, willing to risk his life even before Lucifer was able to provide something that could help him survive all the magic attacks. This will be quite the confrontation here.

“Xavier! Xavier!” Jaden called out. “Someone wants to say hi.” Xavian turned around to see the girl she despised the most on his arm, Vanessa. The world fell silent as she turned around. Xavian casted a sleep spell on Vanessa. The second she was asleep, Jaden ran like his life depended on it, which it did. He ran into a space that he father created. The second she entered the threshold, her powers wouldn’t respond like they were supposed to. She could summon fire and a duck would spawn. Jaden ran into the threshold and Xavian followed. She went to attack Jaden with a sleep spell, but confetti came out. “What is this!? Why aren’t my powers working?!” “NOW! JADEN!” When Xavian turned around, Jaden was gone. He had climbed her, thanks to Lucifer's. “Good night, Xavian.” Jaden said, shoving the necklace into her chest. When it made contact with her pale skin, a glow of light came out of it. A blast came shortly after, knocking Jaden off of her and causing him to faint. “Noooo! I’m not done!” Xavian screamed in agony. Slowly, Xavier was returning. She went back to normal size and regained her original appearance. When Jaden woke up, he ran straight to her. She was so weak and helpless. Jaden scooped her up and brought her to her father. “Help her! Please!” Jaden exclaimed, tears streaming down his face. Lucifer placed his hands on her and started to heal. Time passed and she showed no signs of recovery. “Come on, sweetie! Wake up.” “Xavier… Please… don't go.” Jaden said, losing hope. After some time, she regained her strength and stood up. As soon as she caught her balance, Jaden ran and hugged her tight. “I thought I was going to lose you.” “You can’t get rid of me that easily.” Jaden let Xavier go, then they shared a tender kiss. She then felt a small tap on her shoulder. “Dad!” Lucifer picked her up and swung her around. “Oh! My sweet girl.” He put her down. Xavier turned around, seeing the mass destruction she created. “Ummmm… did I do that?” “Yeah.” Jaden and Lucifer said. “Well, it’s clean up time.” With a quick spell, she cleaned up the city and healed all that were injured.


Well looks like that went pretty well. It was a tough moment but I think Jaden managed to prevail there and as soon as that nice humanness returned it looked like Xavier went immediately to repair the damage she'd caused and heal everyone. That was a really nice little gesture, really shows the duality of her two sides and the difference between them.

3 weeks later, Xavier had a meeting with the demon council. “Xavier Aria Morningstar. You are accused of destroying an entire city with your magic. Care to explain?” The chairman uttered. “Yes. Um… well y-you see…” She onlys stutters when she's nervous. She hadn’t stuttered that hard since Pre-K. “Demon hunters found me and tried to tranquilize me, but missed and broke my necklace.” “You do know the state that you left that city and its citizens, correct?” one of the chairwomen said, raising an eyebrow. “On the contrary, ma’am. I repaired the city with my magic. Look!” Xavier made a portal to the other city, revealing the gleaming streets and happy citizens. “I-I don’t believe this. No demon has ever repaired something they decimated before.” “What can I say? Earth is a beautiful place. I want to protect it.” “Well, I guess she is ready.” The chairman mumbled “Ready for what?” “You are no longer just Xavier Aria Morningstar, princess of hell…” confusion covered her face. “...You are now Xavier Aria Morningstar, QUEEN OF HELL!” “OMG!” Her life was perfect. She had the perfect crown, perfect dad, perfect boyfriend, perfect friends. She had all she could ever want and hope for. And she lived happily ever after.


Well that's a pretty sweet deal for doing the right thing there. I think that's a wonderful little moment to end on there. Starting off from her birth and now coming to this crowning moment in her life.

Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!

Overall

Overall looks like a solid little tale here. A lovely little origin story there and then quite a fun childhood with just the right amount of crises before our big finale an the fun little conclusion at the end. Quite nicely done I'd say.

As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!

Stay Safe and Have a Nice Day!
Kate


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Fri May 17, 2024 8:22 pm
Bluepanther512 wrote a review...



"A demon’s powers cater to the imagination. Those with very strong ones, have an amazing time with their magic. Xavier is one of those demons. She’s used her powers for countless things. From lifting a pebble to holding up falling buildings to creating new planets so everyone has a place to belong. Even though Xavier has been alive for 1,000+ years, she, like anyone else, has a beginning. Let’s take a look at it. Shall we?"

Nice job keeping the info dump short and concise. Additionally, the whiplash from 'demon' to 'so everyone has a place to belong' immediately brings up questions to if other demons are like that. Overall, a great opening paragraph.

"Xavier was born on April 1st, 1009. She was born to Lucifer Morningstar and a human woman, Frankie Sinclair. Unfortunately, Frankie did not make it out alive. And for a long time, doctors were stumped on her mother's strange death. That was until they tested Xavier’s DNA. When they did, everything fell into place. Xavier was 99% demon and 1% human. Frankie’s body couldn’t handle such a strain, so it took her. Her father took it pretty hard and swore to protect Xavier at all cost. And for 2 years that’s how it was. All that changed in a heartbeat on Xavier’s 3rd birthday."

Ooh, this excites me. A single dad trying to protect his daughter when something weird happens? This is a great hook. I'm also left wondering about the nature of demons, given that they apparently have a mapped-out genome that is compatible with humans. Are they supernatural? How long have they been established in human society? Lastly, you set up the setting quickly by showing when it takes place (modern-day at the earliest).

"On that day, the devil invited everyone from hell to come and celebrate with them. It was all fun and games until Felix walked into their home. Felix was the most mischievous and misbehaved kid in all of the down below. He came in with a plan. And that was to make Xavier mad. Xavier was calmly sitting and talking to some other demon girls when Felix came and pulled her hair. She stood up quickly and glared at him. “What was that for?!” she screamed. Suddenly, the smell of raspberry-coconut filled the house. Everyone stopped and watched the fuming 3-year-old. “Whatcha gonna do about it? You gonna tell your daddy on me?” Felix said, mockingly. He then placed his hand on her tan skinned arm. All of a sudden, he jerked his hand off faster than you can say Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. “She-she burned me!” Felix exclaimed. “I didn’t move. I didn’t do anything.” Xavier said while staring at her arm. Woooosh! A huge gust of wind came from behind everyone. “Parties over. OUT! NOW!” the devil said while blowing everyone out of his palace. “Dad! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt him! I-.” “I know exactly what happened. There is something that I’ve been avoiding telling you.”. He took a deep breath, sat her down, and started explaining. “As you know, I have magical powers. I have them because my father did. And his father and his father before that. Well, because I have powers, you do, too. You were mad when that boy pulled your hair, right?” Xavier nodded her head. “Well, when we get mad, your skin will start to heat up until you calm down. Similarly, when you get sad, your skin will be freezing until you cheer up. I will teach you how to control all of your emotions and powers.” And he did just that. For the next year, he taught her how to fully control every emotion and every power she possessed. By the time she was 4, Xavier had 100% control of her newly found powers. Her dad thought it was time to take the next step."

Alright. First off, keep your paragraphs shorter. This could have easily been broken up into 2-3 paragraphs while still making sense. You managed to explain the origin of Demons by showing (Lucifer talking about his origins) Additionally, you create an obvious villain who can come back later and cause problems. Xavier is getting scarily close to Unbeataby OP, without even imposing some moral on her to avoid using her power. That can be kept in check, but it will make any situation where she doesn't use her powers harder to explain. Lastly, you explain that magic is hereditary in your world.

"“You ready, Xavier?” he asked with a huge smile stretching across his face. Today was Xavier’s first day of school. Not only that, but it was her first day in the human world. “Yes!” Xavier screamed from her room. She was filled to the brim with fear of a new place. Her father had gone up to the school a few days before to talk to the staff about Xavier’s special side. “She has amazing control of her powers, but her emotions are under construction. This school is amazing but I need to know the procedures for if she even gets a little mad.” “Don’t worry. Our school has taken into consideration the demon children in our world. We made it a school rule that every single teacher must have an action plan if a demon child gets even a slight bit of upset.” Mr. Gomez explained. One of the many reasons her father enjoyed this school so much was because it was where he met Frankie and Frankie’s dad was the principal. “Good. Well, see you monday. Oh, and don’t tell anyone of Xavier’s DNA. I don’t want the kids to be scared before she arrives.” “You have my word.”"

Ooh, relations. This also sets up the Principal as Xavier's grandfather. Additionally, it further fills out the setting by explaining that demons are commonplace to the point that schools provide accommodation for them. Why would 4-year-olds understand how DNA works, though, let alone the composition of someone else's?

"Her father teleported them to the front of the school and kissed her gently on the forehead. “I ovle uyo. Avhe a ogod dya!” he father said in demon tongue. (Translate: I love you. Have a good day!) “I ovle uyo, oto.” (Translate: I love you, too.) And off Xavier went to a brand new school in a brand new world."

Oh my god, my brain. No. This doesn't work. Mixing up letters like this just makes it nonsense. In addition, the Linguist in my brain is screaming in pain. If you want characters to talk in another language, state that they are first, THEN write in normal English. The only exception here is when the audience is expected to know both languages, like the British aristocracy in the Middle Ages with English & French.

"The second she walked in her new classroom, she knew that she would never make friends. Everyone had bright shirts and blue jeans. She had a solid black dress with black leggings and black boots. Everyone's eyes were black, brown, blue, or green. Her’s were 2 different colors. One blood-red and the other a midnight-purple. Her hair is what stuck out the most. Her hair was an eclipse black with bright red highlights. No one had anything like that. Only solid colors covered the other children's heads. She quickly took a seat in the far back of the classroom by herself and waited for the teacher. Clap, clap, clap! The whole room fell silent. “ Good morning, class! First things first. We have a new student today! Xavier, would you like to come to the front of the classroom and introduce yourself?” Mrs. Raven said. Xavier nodded and slowly walked to the front of the classroom. “H-Hi. I’m X-X-Xavier and I’m f-f-four years old.” All of the students welcomed her enthusiastically. Then someone thought it would be nice to throw a pencil, aiming dead at Xavier. When she saw it, she crouched down in fear and stuck her hand out, freezing it mid-air. Everyone looked at her in awe. She dropped the pencil and started making her way back to her seat. “Do it again! Do it again!” the class chanted. She enjoyed the attention and continued to do magic for her class."

This sets up the story nicely by showing that she may be more pessimistic about her ability to socialize than others. Additionally, you give a brief, if explanatory, description. It also shows her powers again, adding force manipulation to her arsenal of abilities. Lastly, this characterizes her as nervous and shy. I don't doubt this will change over the course of the story, but it does show how she feels at the start of the rising action.

"After that day, the whole class became a huge friend group. They stayed friends for a long time. Everyone knew everything about each other. She was so glad she was to have such an unforgettable, understanding group of friends. If someone got bullied, everyone was on it. If someone was in a relationship, everyone was in it. There were absolutely no secrets in this group. They all got along just fine. Until, it all came crumbling down."

How dare you toy with my emotions like this? This does suffer from Telling instead of Showing, as you never show any actions you describe. At the end of the paragraph, you drop a bombshell very casually, but it does completely twist the plot from where I think it was going.

"They had just enough people to make that class the school's cheer squad out of just them. The power team was their name and they were there to stay. They were about to have try-outs for a new flier. Alix and Gage (2 people from the group) were practicing the routine the students would have to perform. Gage was the base and Alix was the flier. Xavier went to the locker room for 5 seconds, until she heard a loud Thud! from the gym, followed by 2 angry cheerleaders. She walks in to see Alix laying on the ground and Gage about to kick her. Right before he did, Xavier stopped his foot in action, just like the pencil he threw at her. “What in the name of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is going on here?!” Xavier exclaimed. “He dropped me while doing a cupie and just walked away.” Alix said, holding back tears of pain and frustration. “I went to go get ice and then you started yelling at me and -” “ENOUGH!” Xavier yelled. Her skin was lava-hot and the room smelled like raspberry-coconut. “WE HAVE TO START TRY-OUTS IN 30 MINUTES! GAGE, ICE! ALIX, IF YOUR NOT BETTER IN 25 MINUTES I’M GONNA REPLACE YOU AS FLIER! GOT IT!?” Xavier felt her skin and knew she needed to calm down in order to do try-outs. She ran out the back door and to her section of the school garden. The school knew how close Xavier was to nature so they provided her with half of the school's shared garden. She was allowed to grow anything to make it feel comfortable. Her garden was full of red, black, white, and purple roses. She also included an A/C system so she could cool off. She sat in the middle and took deep breaths. She made the roses form a dome around her. She took out her phone and headphones, put her headphones on, and completely zoned the world out. When she cooled down, it had been exactly 25 minutes, so she went to go check on Alix and the try-outs."

This paragraph is overly long and could have been split into two easily. This also does raise some questions as to Xavier's nature by showing her as controlling. It makes you wonder how healthy the friend group truly was between Gage and her's actions here. It also pushes the Mary Sue aspect further, as she is provided with a massive plot of land, resources, and is the leader of the team.

"“How’s Alix? Can she fly?” Xavier said. “She sprained her ankle.” Gage said. “Alix, do you wanna fly?” “Yes.” Xavier then placed her hand gently on her ankle and they noticed a small bright green from under Xavier’s cheer uniform. There has and always will be a way to tell what power Xavier was using. She always wore a crystal necklace around her neck. It would be black until she used her powers. Light blue for air, dark green for earth, dark blue for water, yellow for lighting, red for fire, light green for healing, purple for dark magic, and white for anything else. After having Xavier’s hand on Alix’s ankle for 5 seconds, her necklace stopped glowing and Alix could walk perfectly fine. A few cartwheels later, Alix was ready for try-outs."

Here, Xavier's powers are further explained, and they are given a tell. These should act as restrictions on her, though the 'everything button' nature of White does leave some room for 'the plot demands it' powers.

"Alix and Gage seemed fine during try-outs. They were able to do the routine 25 times for the students. But afterwards, they both decided that they were no longer friends. They would always fake it for the sake of the team. When they performed, they acted like the best of friends, but the second there was no longer in front of them, they would act like each other didn’t matter or was even there. Later, after a huge competition, 2 others got into an argument. And another, and another, and another. Until, no one was friends with anyone. Some even left the squad to avoid certain people. And just like that, the power team was no more. No one liked anyone anymore. Xavier was alone. She felt like her life had started all over again. Only for a week though."

This further shows how unhealthy the dynamics in the friend group are. This also calls back to foreshadowing from earlier, as she becomes isolated and alone as she feared. I am kind of annoyed that Lucifer doesn't show up to support her at all during this time now, at least not explicitly.

"Clap, clap, clap! Xavier’s history teacher stepped into the room. “ Good morning! Before we start class today, I have a very special and important announcement.” Then, her teacher signed for someone to come in and a boy walked through the classroom doors. “ This is Jayden and he is new here at Cypress Junior High School. I don’t have to tell you to be nice and welcoming.” Jaden went and sat in the far back corner. “Xavier, can I talk to you outside?” Xavier got up from her seat and met the teacher outside the classroom. “Can you sit with him and try to make friends with him? Please?” her teacher asked. “OF COURSE!” She said with pure excitement. And just like that she had made the best decision of her 1st life ever. She took Jayden out of the classroom and gave him a tour of the school. “....And this is the cafeteria.” she said. Xavier could tell he was getting bored with using her mind reading powers. “Wanna spice this up a bit?” she asked with a smile on her face. “Sure?” Jayden said hesitantly. Xavier, then, snaps and turns out the lights. “Sit back and enjoy the show.” Jayden sits at one of the tables and looks at the stage. It’s pitch black when Xavier, all of a sudden lit up the stage with 2 fire balls that she was juggling. Jayden sat there in pure awe. “That was-” “Extra. I know I’m sorry. Let’s continue the tour.” Xavier started to walk away when Jayden grabbed her arm. “I was gonna say that was amazing. You’re an awesome girl, Xavier.” She blushed and continued the tour of the school."

Romantic interest? Also, this is again an example where you could easily have made it into 2-3 paragraphs. Additionally, I am left to wonder why you don't mention her pendant glowing, given she is using her powers. Lastly, this does finally place her age, as, since the flash-forward, you've given no indication up to now of her age up to now.

"The next day, Jayden surprised her with 5 dozen roses. Days turned into weeks turned into months that Jayden and Xavier spent together. They grew closer and closer. Until one day, when both of their worlds turned upside down."

I ship it. No notes. But how dare you twist the plot to torture me further with that last line?

"Xavier was minding her own business when she noticed Jayden crying his eyes out. “Jayden? Are you okay?” He said nothing. Just got up and hugged Xavier with full force. “M-my little b-brother went m-m-missing yesterday and I can’t f-f-find him!” Jayden then felt something grab his hand and saw Xavier’s necklace glow white. Then her eyes went snow white and she started chanting it a foreign language. “ Tiny time playground.” Xavier mumbled. “Huh?” “Go there NOW! Better yet.” Xavier graded Jayden's hand and teleported them to the park. “Swing set.” They both ran over to the swing set and there was his little brother, Jordan. “OH MY GOD! Thank you so much Xavier! I don’t know how to thank you!” "It's really nothing. I'd do anything for my best frie-" Before she could finish her thought, Jaden had pull Xavier close and kissed her. "Oh my God. I am so so so sorry. I don't know what I was thi-" She then pulled him back in. "EWWWWWW!" Jordan exclaimed. They chuckled. "I thought you were only suppost to kiss your girlfriend like that. Alix won't be very happy to here about this." Jordan says. Xavier pushes Jaden away. "Alix. Like ex-cheerleader Alix. Like my best friend Alix." Tears began filling her eyes and her skin started collecting a thin layer of frost. "Yes, that Alix but it's not you think." Jaden then crouched down to talk to Jordan. " Alix is my tutor. And she is a what?" Jordan looks confused for a second and then came to a moment of realization. "She's a lesbian. And that means she likes girls." Xavier sat there with a blank look on her face while her body slowly warms back up. "That's right, Jordan." Jaden and Xavier say in synced. Just when they pulled each other in, something caught the corner of Xavier's eye. A huge amount of fire and smoke randomly appeared beside them. "Hey, dad." Xavier uttered. "Hey, sweetie. How is my beautiful little girl?" "I'm fine." Fear had taken over Jaden's body from head to toe. " And this fine, young gentleman must be Jaden? Put 'er there, son." Jaden's hand trembled as he met her dad's. "I don't bite." Jaden put on a smile and shook his hand. "Well, I was just doing a little check in. I gotta go now. See you later, sweetheart." Lucifer gave Xavier a small kiss on the forehead. "Oh! Jaden? You have my blessing." Lucifer said while delivering a wink before vanishing into thin air. Xavier pulled him in for another kiss. Her life felt complete. Later that night, Xavier went home, ecstatic to see her 1st true love the next day. Little did she know, her life was gonna take a wild and unexpected turn of events."

While the 'Fixes Miscellaneous Problems' power of White is in full swing, this does advance my ship, so I can't complain. Jordan seems like a decent one-off character. He's well written and his tone makes sense for his age. Once again, you could split this up into multiple smaller paragraphs. Neat Lucifer appearance. I wonder if he knows what had just occurred.

"Jaden skipped happily past the huge crowd of people that he found normal at his school. That was until one of them bumped him and he saw their uniform. “Sorry, man. My-” Demon-be-gone. Demon exterminators Jaden read on the man's uniform. The smellof flames and fear brushed his nose. He looked in the direction of the smell and horrification drenched his face. Xavier is surrounded by a ring of fire, her top line of defense. "Please. I don't want to bring harm to anyone." Xavier said, her voice shaking. “You don’t belong here! You don’t belong here!” The crowd of people chanted behind the hunters. “LEAVE HER ALONE!” Jaden wailed with cracks in his voice. The hunters started shooting her with special tranquilizer darts made for “her kind”. She was so coated in fear. So much she didn’t see the darts flying at her. The 1st few missed, but the only one that landed hit the worst possible spot, her necklace. Her necklace was the only thing that kept her from being controlled by her demon tendencies. If that necklace was to every break, you must collect all the shards and throw them in a special concoction that only the royal family, Xavier’s family, can make. When the necklace was hit, all hell broke loose, quite literally."

You can split this paragraph up. Also, people in this world clearly know of demons who just exist in society, so why hunt them like this when all that will do is enrage them?

"Xavier tried using the last bit of her powers to summon the ingredients to put the necklace, but it was too late. The darkness was coming and it was coming fast. From the spot the broken shard layed, an orb of pitch black darkness consumed her. It slowly stripped her of her humanity. She went full demon mode. She lost the innocents in her eye and it was replaced with the urge to destroy. She looked just like her father, but not in a good way. Xavier was no more. Xavian was here to play."

Plot twist again. This does finally place limits on her powers, as she does now have an Achilles Heel, but you should have brought it up earlier.

"Xavier, being both demon and human, has 2 sides. There's Xavier, her more innocent side, her more humanity driven side. Then there's Xavian. Her pure demon side. Xavian had only been released one other time and it was legitimate hell on earth."

Again, you should have explained this earlier.

"The orb left in a huge explosion. Jaden immediately ran towards "Xavier". "Oh my God! Sweetie, are you ok?" He said, placing her hand on her shoulder. The second his hand made contact with her skin, it started to sizzle. "Frick! That hurt. What the heck!? " Xavian then placed her hand on his chest and shoved him. With a boost of power and shock of air and electricity, she pushed him 100ft away from her. "Do not touch me!" Xavian roared. "No, no, no!" Jaden uttered, with the worst shake in his voice. Xavian went off to terrorize the people of the living world, and he knew that it was his only chance. He ran over to where she was and collected the shards of her crystal and ran home."

Why does he know this is her only chance? And why does he know of the necklace's nature? This could have been set up earlier.

"He found her spell book and tried to fix it. Before you drop the shards in, the mixture is supposed to glow. Indicating that it has been mixed correctly. Jaden waited, and waited, and waited, but no glow. He re-read the recipe and noticed he had missed a key step in the instructions. 'Can only be made by the king/queen and the royal family' "How could I miss that?! I need to call him. Only way possible." He picked up the phone and dialed the number. "Hello?" A grumbling voice said on the other side. "This is Xavier’s father, right?" Lucifer shot up in his chair. "Who are you and what have you done to my daughter?!" "Sir, don't worry. This is Jaden. Something happened here and I need your help. Could you come over?" He said, sounding in a hurry. "No can do, son. Since I'm no longer king, I have to be granted permission from the queen to leave hell." "Crap. That is not a possibility for the time being." "Well, there's only one opinion." And with the snap of a finger, Jaden found himself, the shards, and Xavier’s spell book in the hottest place off earth."

You could split this up into multiple paragraphs. Why does Lucifer immediately assume he harmed her, though?

""Welcome! Sorry for the heat. That's just how we roll." “It’s fine. I really do need your help.” Lucifer takes Jaden back to his castle and brings him to the spell room. “How did you know that I needed your help with magic?” Jaden stuttered in confusion. “Remember, son, I can read minds. Also, you're holding my daughter’s spell book.” “Oh yeah.” “So, what happened to Xavier?” Jaden sits him down and explains the whole story. The people, the bullets, the fear in her eyes, the orb, everything. “I tried to mix the poison myself, but since I’m not a part of the royal family, officially…” “...you can't mix it and save her.”the devil said, pure sorrow in his voice. That sorrow quickly turned into anger. “Those humans. I knew I would regret putting her in a human school. Now, everyone is going to think of her as a-a-a…""...monster. For the record, sir, your daughter is the kindest, most amazingly thoughtful person I've ever met in my entire life. Even if the entire world thinks she is crazy and a ravenous beast, I can promise you that I will always love her. And that, I can swear to you.” Lucifer calmed down and gently placed his hand on Jaden’s shoulder. “Let’s save my daughter.” “And that we will!”"

This demonstrates how Jaden truly feels about Xavier as well. It also further characterizes Lucifer as caring and protective.

"In the blink of an eye, the 2 boys were running to every corner of hell looking for the ingredients. Once gathered, Lucifer and Jaden took them back to Lucifer’s lab. “A dash of this, a pinch of that, a handful of this…” “Great! All that is left is to recite the magical words.” Lucifer uttered. He cracked his knuckles, his neck, and took a deep breath. As he recited the verse, he dropped the shards into the mixture. Once he finished, the pot lit up. The newly formed crystal floated from the cauldron and binded itself to its original chain. It zipped around the room and landed perfectly in Jaden's hands. “Now let’s go save my daughter!” Lucier said, with actual fire in his eyes. “And the love of my life!” They were on a mission. A mission to save the world, and to save Xavier."

This feels like you're mostly repeating the previous paragraph.

"They briskly teleported back to earth. When Luifer and Jaden looked up, they stepped back in pure awe. Xavier was truly no more. Xavian was terrorizing everyone in her path. “You didn’t tell me it was this bad!” Lucifer stood there with his jaw hitting the ground. Xavier, being part human, had an extra stage of her demon possession. All her humanity was gone. She was an embodiment of rage, frustration, and revenge. “How long has she been in this state for?!” “About… 25-ish minutes.” “Oh no! We have about 35 minutes left to save her before this side of her takes over and doesn't let her innocence return.” They sprung into action."

You should have mentioned the 1-hour limit previously, but this does place a limit on how long they have to help her.

"They came up with a plan. They would corner her somewhere and then throw the necklace at her, thus trapping Xavin back where she belonged. But how to do that…? “I GOT IT!” Lucifer jumped with excitement. “We bring all of her kindergarten friends in! Genius, right?” “Riiight. About that…” Lucifer was visibly confused. “They kinda aren’t friends anymore. They had a huge fall out and now none of them talk. Like, at all.” “Now what? My baby girl will be gone forever” Lucifer said, while his eyes filled with tears.” “I’ll do it.” Jaden was fully confident and willing to sacrifice himself to save his beloved. “I told you I would love her no matter what. Well, this is me proving that to you. Just tell me what I have to do.” “Slow your roll, kid. I have something that will keep you safe-” “That’s great, cuz I don't wanna di-""-hopefully.” Lucier muttered. “What do you mean hopefully?!” “Well, it’s never been tested with her going full demon-zilla, but the idea is that it will shield you from her attacks.” “It’s worth a shot.” The plan was in motion. Just time to execute it."

This places stakes on both Jaden and Xavier well.

"“Xavier! Xavier!” Jaden called out. “Someone wants to say hi.” Xavian turned around to see the girl she despised the most on his arm, Vanessa. The world fell silent as she turned around. Xavian casted a sleep spell on Vanessa. The second she was asleep, Jaden ran like his life depended on it, which it did. He ran into a space that he father created. The second she entered the threshold, her powers wouldn’t respond like they were supposed to. She could summon fire and a duck would spawn. Jaden ran into the threshold and Xavian followed. She went to attack Jaden with a sleep spell, but confetti came out. “What is this!? Why aren’t my powers working?!” “NOW! JADEN!” When Xavian turned around, Jaden was gone. He had climbed her, thanks to Lucifer's. “Good night, Xavian.” Jaden said, shoving the necklace into her chest. When it made contact with her pale skin, a glow of light came out of it. A blast came shortly after, knocking Jaden off of her and causing him to faint. “Noooo! I’m not done!” Xavian screamed in agony. Slowly, Xavier was returning. She went back to normal size and regained her original appearance. When Jaden woke up, he ran straight to her. She was so weak and helpless. Jaden scooped her up and brought her to her father. “Help her! Please!” Jaden exclaimed, tears streaming down his face. Lucifer placed his hands on her and started to heal. Time passed and she showed no signs of recovery. “Come on, sweetie! Wake up.” “Xavier… Please… don't go.” Jaden said, losing hope. After some time, she regained her strength and stood up. As soon as she caught her balance, Jaden ran and hugged her tight. “I thought I was going to lose you.” “You can’t get rid of me that easily.” Jaden let Xavier go, then they shared a tender kiss. She then felt a small tap on her shoulder. “Dad!” Lucifer picked her up and swung her around. “Oh! My sweet girl.” He put her down. Xavier turned around, seeing the mass destruction she created. “Ummmm… did I do that?” “Yeah.” Jaden and Lucifer said. “Well, it’s clean up time.” With a quick spell, she cleaned up the city and healed all that were injured."

I'm confused as to powerscaling between demon magic users, as it was previously unexplained, but it does show that Xavier isn't as powerful as her father.

"3 weeks later, Xavier had a meeting with the demon council. “Xavier Aria Morningstar. You are accused of destroying an entire city with your magic. Care to explain?” The chairman uttered. “Yes. Um… well y-you see…” She onlys stutters when she's nervous. She hadn’t stuttered that hard since Pre-K. “Demon hunters found me and tried to tranquilize me, but missed and broke my necklace.” “You do know the state that you left that city and its citizens, correct?” one of the chairwomen said, raising an eyebrow. “On the contrary, ma’am. I repaired the city with my magic. Look!” Xavier made a portal to the other city, revealing the gleaming streets and happy citizens. “I-I don’t believe this. No demon has ever repaired something they decimated before.” “What can I say? Earth is a beautiful place. I want to protect it.” “Well, I guess she is ready.” The chairman mumbled “Ready for what?” “You are no longer just Xavier Aria Morningstar, princess of hell…” confusion covered her face. “...You are now Xavier Aria Morningstar, QUEEN OF HELL!” “OMG!” Her life was perfect. She had the perfect crown, perfect dad, perfect boyfriend, perfect friends. She had all she could ever want and hope for. And she lived happily ever after."

Great ending. This wraps up the story nicely and shows how Xavier's actions are noticeably different from her predecessors due to her helping right her wrongs.

"The End... for now"

Well now I have to follow you for the followup I so desperately need.

TL; DR:
-You characterize well
-You should break up paragraphs
-You should get Grammarly or something to check for errors
-You should explain limits more clearly before the story started getting to the climax.




ZayZayAG says...


Hey. Thank you so much for thw review. PLE

lease make sure to check out the 1st book and book#3 in in the making!



ZayZayAG says...


@KateHardy Thank you so much for that review. I loved it. The way you mad your comments between each big part was awesome. Make sure you check out 'Demon vs the world of love' as well. Have a great day!




He began to wonder why he had felt uneasy at all. It was like a man wondering in broad daylight why a dream had appeared so terrible to him at night.
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart