In childhood we hear of equality in its fame
That boys and girls, we’re all the same
We grew and boys were let out in a whirl
But no no my dear, you’re an Indian south African girl…
*
It's free they say, your religion- your call
So I don my scarf and head for the mall
Misunderstanding, they judge , they scrawl
At this Indian South African girl…
*
Work hard for A’s the community does say
But after matric take education away
Your place is in the home world
You’re an Indian South Africa girl…
*
Eventually I reach university with a dream, a hope, an aspiration
But my name and race fail the application
I have the requirements but they expect me to wither away and curl
After all, I’m an Indian South African girl
*
First I had to be whiter
Now they would like if I was darker
I must fight the war that people claim is over
And…
When I achieve, I will proudly sing and twirl
Yes I am an Indian South African girl!
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Knight Dragon, here to review on this wonderful Review Day!
Technical:
"But no no my dear, you’re an Indian south African girl…", this is the only time you don't capitalize "south". I think that's just a typo.
"It's free they say", I think there should be a comma after "free". It helps with the reading flow better.
"Misunderstanding, they judge , they scrawl", you have an extra space between "judge" and its comma.
"Work hard for A’s the community does say
But after matric take education away
Your place is in the home world"
You need punctuation here. Maybe a comma or period after the first line, a period after the second line, and a comma or period after the third.
It seems like you didn't use any punctuation except for ellipses. I would go back through and punctuate properly to help readers know how to follow your poem's flow.
Hope this helps!
Hi there! Here to review your poem this evening
I'm in no means a poet so I can't really help you out with the technical side of things! I'm just here to offer my opinion on the content.
Here goes!
“But no no my dear, you’re an Indian south African girl…” - I think the word 'south' needs to have a capital S.
“Eventually I reach university with a dream, a hope, an aspiration
But my name and race fail the application” - I absolutely LOVE these two lines. Genius.
I also like the way you're repeating the same line after every stanza. It's effective.
I loved this – it's really relevant to today! I do agree with Charmyvora that you sometimes force out a rhyme. I felt this way with 'twirl' & 'curl' but hey, I'm pretty useless as I can't think of anything to replace them with.
Good luck! Keep goingggg.
Olive <3
hey charmy here to review ,
i really loved your poem it was wonderful and perfect in today's partial world.. from young we are said that girls's and boys are equal, but as we grow up we realize that , what all we studied is just a bookish written word and not in real life .. in today's world there are still many villages where inequality among caste gender and color
now about your poem, well one thing keep in mind that in poems rhyming is not always necessary , in your poem you forced the rhyming so that's where you first mistake says..
and then your just need some changes here and there and then you are a perfect poet, keep writing such poems .. its inspiring..
keep it up.. just a bit more hard work and then you are complete ..