Racing Wind- Chapter 1- Edited

PreviousNext

Hi, added in all your edits and so on. Hope you enjoy.

Chapter One

Dad lay slumped on the couch, his belly swelling over the stretched fabric that once resembled a shirt. There was a time when he’d meet me by the school gates, a slim line jacket placed over his equally flat stomach. He would throw me up in the air and call me his princess; and all the children would watch enviously as we walked off into the sunset. I couldn’t watch him any longer; it felt like I could see his hair line reseeding just by staying still. I slammed the living room door closed with a sigh, but it made a louder bang than I had intended “What’s the matter sweetie, having a little temper tantrum?” he spat.

“I’m going now dad.” I replied coldly, stuffing my clothes back into the overnight bag

“Kay” he slurred, turning up the TV. I sighed, swung the bag over my shoulder and slammed the front door as loud as I could.

The moon lay naked in the sky, vulnerable without its protective blanket of cloud. I pulled my duffel coat right up to my chin, took a deep breath, and began to walk. In the day you would walk across Fairfield and see children playing, parents laughing, people would wave and smile at you. But in the dark all the smiley faced children were tucked up in bed, and the pubs expelled tens of drunks, each with a gormless and frightening expression on their faces. I could hear them coming down the roads now, laughing and swearing. I was only still in Fairfield, not even near the bus station and it was getting cold. My coat hadn’t provided the warmth I’d hoped and for and my hands where numb with the frost; I should have stayed at Dads, this was all wrong.

I was nearly at the main road when they started following me. I had tried to avoid all the pub roads in Fairfield, going down small alley ways and side streets, but we were so close to the main road that it couldn’t hurt to take a short cut. They came out of the pub just as I rounded the corner, six men with dark hoods pulled over their faces and jeans that hung low on their knees. The youngest one walked towards me, winking at his mates and pushing his shoulders back. I’d heard the stories of girls abducted, found dead and violated two weeks later. The man didn’t look much of a threat as he could only be eighteen, barley two years older than me, but he still had dirty stubble and a heavy voice. I was well aware of what the influence of alcohol could do, how it could change someone in a split second, how it changed Dad.

I gulped, walking a little faster, trying to make a distance between us. “Oi mate, she’s walking away from you.” queered one at the back of the gang. They burst out laughing, shoving him hard.

I saw his face crumple out of the corner of my eye, it was an expression I knew all too well. “What? Don’t you like me then bitch?” he shouted, making a grab for me. I leapt back, my heart pounding irregularly in my chest. I was blinded with panic, unable to think, breathe, act. Frozen for that spilt second in front of them, but I couldn’t help myself.

“Fuck Off” I muttered under my breath, they all stopped and as soon as the words left my lips; I knew I shouldn’t have said them.

“What did you just say to me?” he hissed, spitting angrily through yellow teeth “What did you just say?”

“Get her Billy!” shouted one of them, and all of a sudden they were walking towards me. I started to run, not bothering to turn back; I knew they would be following. I flew down the street, flinging my overnight bag back at them in the process. I heard a soft thud behind me, followed by a chorus of swearing that rose higher and higher. A hand lunged at me from behind, catching the back of my hair. I screamed, horrified as tufts of ginger fell to the floor. I tore down the alley way, fuelled by a new sense of terror and apprehension. I could picture it in my head now, all the sick games they would play with me, the many screams that would escape my lips. I’d always thought in these situations I would know what to do, that I would be prepared or defensive but this was nothing like what I’d imagined. You didn’t have time to think, to plan, you had to act on the first thought that ran thought you mind. And mine was to run, to get as far away from these horrible people as I could. I didn’t have a phone box or a can of mace, all I had was my legs and their ability to keep moving.

I was good at running but the men where better, loping after me like dogs on a hunt. I looked for an alley to run off in to, some kind of escape but there was nowhere. I could feel my muscles giving in, the pain in my chest getting tighter and tighter, I had to stop. I was slowing down. My mind screamed at my body in horror, telling it to start working again, to not succumb, but it was too late. They were within touching distance, the nearest man’s hand reached out to rip another chunk of my hair. Suddenly the road in front of me disappeared into white, a hot blinding light that filled my entire eye sockets until I was blind to the world.

Some part of me was still vaguely conscious of feet hitting concrete and the curses of the men, but it all seemed very far away, forgotten as a dream. Without warning, the road opened up before me, the white light gone as abruptly as it had appeared. I gasped as the street laid spread before me, alive with musky smells and canvases of colour. I wasn’t afraid of the men anymore, they were meaningless and weak and I was strong, powerful against their measly human selves.

The pain in my chest was gone, my muscles had this new lease of energy and I was running, running faster than I’d ever run before. I laughed as they swore behind me, digging my back legs hard into the concrete, this power running through my veins like electricity. As soon as I started I couldn’t stop, it was addictive like a drug. I wanted more so I went faster and faster, gleefully alive with this incredible sense of recklessness. Then I was on the main road, running alongside the cars, quicker than the cars. Lights blurred past me, like ribbons of colours, reds, yellows, greens. I didn’t want to stop, and just as I realised I couldn’t stop, a lorry came out of nowhere, fur collided with metal and all darkness took over light

Comments & reviews · 9
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Random avatar
Ella_Mercy
Review

Hey Izzy

Its me again, your stalker. Or rather Heather's :D .

Anyway, I think this is the first time i reviewed you on here, and i know you hate being picky and spellings and stuff, so i am just going to generally comment.

(Also, you still owe me book 2. :( That was mean telling me 3 and not 2.)

Anyway. So, I love the first part, the description about her dad (always were good at that) and remembering him in comparison because you get a really good feel of what her dads like, and later (not sure if its in this chapter or not...i dont think so anyway) when you talk about her mum, i get the feeling she has a better relationship with her mum than her dad and that was really subtley done.

(Random Question: How do you stop people talking to you on facebook? Cos its really hard to review when the "Talk to beth stenning" box keeps appearing.)

And (like i said but just to remind you) look at stephanie meyers version of mugging in twilight and compare because i know you said its similar but also its not because heather is a very different character and you broguht her reactions out even in fear. So thats good.

Anmayway, dont go swimming on thursday becasue me and beth arent, and i will see you when you come back from uni (lucky...)

Ella XXX

User avatar
canislupis
Review

Hey there!


It looks like several people have suggested spacing this out more. I think I agree, but I think maybe it might be even better if you start with her already running away. You could have her be thinking about her father as she walks, and then get to the action right away. (which you could slow down a little bit)

Aside from that, I found a few typos. I'll try not to point out anything someone else already has:


sigh, but it made a louder bang than I had intended


Need a period.

“What’s the Matter sweetie, having a little temper tantrum?” laughed my father.

The laugh was cruel, taking on the same patronizing tone it always did.


"Matter" shouldn't be capitalized, and repetition of "laugh"

going out at 11


I think generally, numbers under fifteen should be written out.

tens of drunks, each with a gormless and frightening expression on their faces.

I think you meant tons? Also--"faces" should be "face"

One of the drunks lumbered up behind me, he was only four or five years older than me but he still had a dirty stubble and a heavy voice. I walked a little faster, hoping he would drop behind with his friends, he didn’t.


Run on sentences. Should be:
"One of the drunks lumbered up behind me. He was only four or five years olders than me, but he still had dirty stubble and a heavy voice. I walked a little faster, hoping he would drop behind with his friends. He didn't."

fog of drink the men where fast,


"Where" should be "were"

I looked for an alley to run off in to, some kind of escape but there was nowhere. I could feel my muscles giving in, the pain in my chest getting tighter and tighter, I had to stop. I was slowing down, my mind screamed at my body in horror, telling it to start working again, to not stop, but it was too late. They where only fifteen metres away, then ten, then only five. Suddenly something hit me hard, like a bullet or an electric shock; it grew inside me instantly like power.

All of a sudden the pain in my chest was gone, my muscles had this new lease of energy and I was running, running faster than I’d ever run before. I laughed as they swore behind me, digging my back legs hard into the concrete, this power running through my veins like electricity. As soon as I started I couldn’t stop, it was addictive like a drug, I wanted more and more so I went faster and faster. Then I was on the main road, running alongside the cars, quicker than the cars. Lights blurred past me, like ribbons of colours, reds, yellows, greens. I didn’t want to stop and just as I realised I couldn’t stop a lorry came out of nowhere and all darkness took over light.


This is the part I think you should stretch out a little bit... slow down so we can figure out whats happening.


Hope this helps!

~Lupis

User avatar
ZaddieCaso
Comment

she's 15, so I suppose it isn't that much of a surprise he's drinking, will have to change that line :)

thanks for reviewing

Random avatar
Katty_Wat Review

Just a few pointers to improve:

*Quote:
One of the drunks lumbered up behind me, he was only four or five years older than me but he still had a dirty stubble and a heavy voice. I walked a little faster, hoping he would drop behind with his friends, he didn’t.

*You might wanna change 'he still had a dirty stubble' to 'he already had a dirty stubble'.

*Also how old is she? I know it doesn't really matter but you say 'one of the drunks was only four or five years older than me'.


However I really enjoyed your story.

:D xxx

Random avatar
BigCityDreams Review

I did really like this story, but I found her changing a bit confusing. I think if I was suddenly running that fast, I would seem more worried, especially with the pain in her chest, but who knows, maybe thats the care free angle you were going for.
Over all, i quite liked it.
BigCityDreams :)

User avatar
Rosendorn
Review

Hiya!

Before I go on, I'd like to mention that if you use the f-work things must be rated R. ^_^

Thoughts/Emotion: You give some good thoughts about the magic that suddenly strikes her, but still, it can be a bit thin. You give the "before" and "after" picture, but nothing in between. When did he let himself go? When did she start to see the change?

When she's being chased, you have room to add in information. What is she thinking they'll do to her? Adding her thoughts on that while she's running would make this really heart-pounding. :)

There is also the,

Suddenly something hit me hard, like a bullet or an electric shock; it grew inside me instantly like power.


Is there a flash of pain before the power? How does it feel, other than addicting?

Back history: I like the beginning, the way we were dropped into the situation rather slowly. But while she's walking, I feel you could expand on those feelings more. What's she leaving behind? What's waiting for her at her mom's? What's she risking by doing this? All this falls under "back history" because she'd be thinking about memories. Add in more memories to make this more enticing to a reader. ^_^

The ending: This part was very quick, especially. The line where she gets hit is almost lost to all the description in front of it. But the mention of her suddenly wanting to stop on it's own line so it doesn't get lost. ^_^

Overall: The title, along with her power, makes this a very interesting concept. One that I like very much. :D The ending is a good cliff-hanger, even though it is a bit hard to spot. I like the way you described her blacking out. Nice work there!

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Random avatar
tigs6969
Review

Coffee_and_Karma wrote:A) It went really fast. Maybe you could have her thinking about her situation or something as she walks, before she sees the guy. Maybe something about when her father changed, or where she is planning on going to find her mother. Not a a huge backstory in a box, but just a bit more exposition. You went from one plot point to another without elaborating on any (Her father, her mother, the chase, the power) What's going on?

i agree with this but as said not a huge back story just a small one

ZaddieCaso wrote:
Dad lay slumped on the couch, his belly swelling over the stretched fabric that once resembled a shirt

Wait what? Do you mean under? I don't really see his belly being on top of his shirt. Please clarify.

“What’s the Matter Love? Don’t want to walk with me and my mates?”

This is the second time you've capitalized matter. Just a note. :D
"
“What you saying?” he said, monotone, “What you saying!!!!!” this time shouting.
“Get her Billy!” shouted one of them, and all of a sudden they were walking towards me.

The word shout was repeated here. You might want to change one, just to something like yelled.


But even through a fog of drink the men where fast, loping after me like dogs on a hunt.

"Loping" doesn't really seem to fit here. It brings to mind a easier, more relaxed run, which isn't how I picture these guys running.

I looked for an alley to run off in to, some kind of escape but there was nowhere.

There should be a comma between escape and but. I think it would even work if you ended the sentence after escape then "There was nowhere." Just a style preference.

They where only fifteen metres away, then ten, then only five. Suddenly something hit me hard, like a bullet or an electric shock; it grew inside me instantly like power.

Should be were in the first sentence. The last bit seemed a bit... I don't know how to say it, because there's nothing wrong with it, really. It just is a bit dry, or trite. Cliche. I dunno, I don't like it.

I wanted more and more so I went faster and faster

I think you could cut out the second 'more'.

Overall: A few points I'd like to make.
A) It went really fast. Maybe you could have her thinking about her situation or something as she walks, before she sees the guy. Maybe something about when her father changed, or where she is planning on going to find her mother. Not a a huge backstory in a box, but just a bit more exposition. You went from one plot point to another without elaborating on any (Her father, her mother, the chase, the power) What's going on?
B) Wouldn't she be confused if all of a sudden she was running really fast? And also, I'd be pretty damn terrified if I felt some huge pain in my chest. Just a thought. On that note, a bullet and an electric shock feel very different, or so I hear.

That aside, it was a good story. I do want to know what will happen next. Keep up the good work!



"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."
— William Shakespeare