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139,607 Literary Works • 672,618 Reviews
This is really sweet. i like it because it seems really genuine and down to earth if you get what im saying. its just honest and really nice to read. good job ! xxxxxxxx
Hello there, I have read your story and I thought you are referring to boyfriend and it come out to be a mum. It's nice though and I like it.
I'm a new member here and hope to make more friends.
By the way, your story is nice but you only have one. Write more, I be looking forward to it. Thanks
Hi there yuri! *hands over a banana* It’s a banana bomb! And I’m the only one who can disarm it! Mwahaha!
Okay…I’m going to review now…
You don’t really greet people happy birthday. You usually wish them a happy birthday. Oh, and that comma after ‘thing’…you don’t need it.
Hmm…um…I don’t completely understand this sentence. It doesn’t completely make sense.
The main thing I wanted to mention is that your use of commas needs some work. This link covers a lot of the rules but not nearly all of them. Commas take some time to learn though.
Otherwise, the emotion rings off of this powerfully. Good job.
~lilymoore
Hi!
As requested:
Stories like this are very sweet. They're not so much stories, actually, as small personal tales. The trick is to get a good balance between the emotion of your own life you're showing here and something that faintly resembles more of a tale, as Ben said. You're nearly there, and it's very good, but I would recommend adding in a little more information as it were, so that the reader doesn't feel like they're reading something so extremely personal that they don't quite understand it. So for that, perhaps you could add in some more background information or something? I'm sorry - I feel bad pulling apart such a personal piece.
Also, you get your tenses muddled up a little throughout. There are also quite a few little grammatical errors. Perhaps you could read it out loud to yourself and see where you stumble on an odd sounded phrase or something that reads a little weird.
But, overall, this was nice. Focusing on the writing rather than the content (as that is something you can't exactly improve on, it being personal and all) I wouldn't say it is spectacular. It's quite powerful and sad, yes, but I feel like it's missing a little something. That is, like Ben mentioned, at the moment it reads so personally that it becomes less something that a reader would enjoy and more something you'd actually give to someone. In this way, perhaps you could add in a little more information or otherwise that would emphasise this writing and make it great.
Hope I helped!
-Amy
Hey there! Right, I'll begin with the nitpicks and see if we can refine your technical accuracy a notch!
I like how you've written this, you've maintained it informal, personal and as a piece it has a very strong effect. I think the only other nitpick besides grammar that I can make is, just try and consider structuring because there's some points when a sentence could be in the same paragraph instead of being honoured with their own line.
Otherwise, very, very well-written! Perhaps as a personal letter this would be top-notch form wise, as a tale, I think you might need a burst more anecdote, i.e. talk about an old time further and show us the relationship in such a situation.
Well done and keep writing!
Ben
For a minute I didn't know who you were talking about, I could be wrong but I think you should make it clear sooner who you were referring to. I think this was such a sad piece, I hope you and you're mother's relationship can be restored.
This is so sweet!! And very well written,I love it!
~Lady Kix