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139,610 Literary Works • 672,620 Reviews
Corrections in red what I like in Green
Overall it's a really good story that I'd like to see more from!
Thanks for the helpful reviews! :3
Heya yuriiko!
Skins here to review.
Red = Corrections/Negatives
Blue = Things I like
Bold = My comments/suggestions
Overall
I must say, I did enjoy reading this! It was rather short, but I think that the shortness made it very effective; that's one thing I loved. I also really liked some of your descriptions, I commented on the ones I especially liked. One of the other things I loved was the mystery in this prologue. You hinted that there was something weird going on, but you didn't tell us what exactly. Well done!
My main critique is the way you phrase some things. Although, that's completely understandable because English isn't your first language. I don't think it is, anyway. I've suggested what you could do with the sentences that sound a bit confusing. There's nothing you can really do when it comes to this, you can only practice. The more you write in English, the better your language will become! I am very jealous of you though for being able to write in English so well, I could never write in another language. Not as well as you, anyway.
Although your descriptions are very good, I would like to see you use them a bit more. Like shubhi said, what did the MC's room look like? Where was the voice coming from? Was there a strange smell in the room? How did the voice make her feel inside? Did it make her feel sick? If you tell us these things, it will make us even more interested in the piece. It could also create some more tension if you do all of this effectively. When writing about a situation like this, it is very good for you to create tension. By doing that, you will keep the readers sucked in to your story until the very end!
Although your phrasing isn't amazing, your grammar is very good. You didn't have any awkward, annoying commas or pointless periods. I'm not very good at critiquing grammar, but I'm pretty sure that you've done a really good job at using it correctly. I'm most impressed with your commas. An awful lot of people struggle when it comes to using commas correctly, but you are clearly not one of these people. I am very happy with you for that.
Overall, I really did like to read this. All that you need to do is consider what us reviewers have suggested and maybe edit this up a bit. If you do that, you could end up with a seriously great piece of writing here! You have some lovely descriptions, very good grammar and I love the way that you handle mystery. This is one of my favourite pieces of work by you, Yuri. Really nicely done.
Keep writing and good luck with this!
xoxo Skins
Hey Yuriko! I have been seeing a lot of your work around here and wanted to review but mostly it was poetry or rated 16+ but I found this piece which is rated E. So here I am.
I will colour what I like in green and comments would be in bold. Hope you find it helpful.
I'm liking the creepy feel you introduce me with. That's a real necessity for ghost stories. I didn't find many mistakes though there were some which i mentioned. I liked many of your parts but I think a bit of description about her room could do. Where she thought the voice was coming from?
Since this was a prologue, this much was fine but try to be more precise and descriptive.
I think this will be a good story if you're planning to continue with it. The way you wrote it, I could sense that the protagonist is a girl. Is that so?
Well done! keep writing and PM me when you post more!
Flying off for now!
I like the story so far, but if I were you, I would get some grammar help from somebody, friends or family. Anybody will work. It just seems a bit awkward in some places. But keep it up and don't get discouraged!