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139,408 Literary Works • 672,555 Reviews
Hey there! Since so many people have been here and given such thorough reviews, I'm only going to add one more thing. Sometimes, your words fall kind of awkwardly - like in your phrasing and flow and stuff. It might help you out a bit to read out loud to yourself. If your tongue gets tied or you stumble over some things, then when a reader is reading it - they may stumble too and that throws them out of the story. ...I really hope that makes sense.
Anyway, hope this helps!
Hey Yuri, here as requested.
Do we need to know the ground is soil? I think you could remove the "against the soil ground" bit without hurting the story, but instead making that first sentence lighter. Your first line should be a hook to pull the reader in, and that sort of extra, irrelevant details sets you off in bad way.Your story's off to an okay start, but you're getting bogged down by some unnecessary details, some awkward lines and the absence of any real conflict or tension.
Right from the start, the description feels useless.
A bit of the same problem here. Does this have any relevance to the rest of the story? Sure, it sets the scene, but 1. this could be done much more briefly, and 2. if you want to keep it, please change the imagery to something a little less cookie-cut? "Crystal-clear river" and "the cool wind" and "glowing sun" are just too bland and overdone.
Should be flinch. Keep an eye out for the typos.
The first part of that with the ears and paws reads very awkwardly. I'd say remove the "stood" from "stood erect", and fix the part with the claws or remove it entirely, because it sounds strange: dogs can't retract their claws, which nulls the first image I get of this, and it just doesn't fit. (also, what of the italicized "yep"?)
"Wet lips" just sounds strange, and you don't really need it. Take it out. Last part of that sentence also sounds like a sentence fragment instead of a finished thought. Maybe remove the "if" or finish your sentence.
This may be just me, but the exposition here is too brutal. It's like you're saying "Hey reader, they're DOGS and that's what breeds they are!" For one, it sounds weird they'd introduce themselves by breed in addition to names. They're both dogs, unless they'd attribute some sort of importance to breed (none of which I can see here, aside from the physical differences), then it'd be like addressing people by ethnicity. Try being a little more subtle here, maybe just describe both dogs in ways that show us what they are instead of bludgeoning us with the fact. Heck, even the paragraph you've got after this one is fine. Maybe if you just fixed that dialogue line and kept going, it'd work.
More awkward wording. "He was twice as big as me" is simple but flows a lot more smoothly. "His jaws": I don't see why you've dropped the pronoun. Keep it. You've got that issue several times through the story (just the very next paragraph, for example, where you dropped a "my" before eyes).
This sounds a lot too informal, and not even that much like something you would say. Reword it so it sounds more coherent.
That is one strange simile you've got here (would the dog know what a running train feels like, I wonder?), and it flows off iffy as well. Fix.
Since when do labs have wrinkles? And what's that "odd fragrance" you're talking about? Try to be coherent and cohesive in your descriptions, or it's hard to take you seriously.
Veeery clunky simile. "He looked like he was almost laughing", or something, but not "his smile almost like laughing".
Acting like a ghost how? By being scary, by moaning, by floating around, by hovering, by being persistent, a pest? Don't use a simile when the meaning isn't clear, or you're destroying the whole image.
This is going to sound nitpicky, but. You're writing from the Chihuahua's perspective. He knows she's his mistress, so that "appeared" can be cut off.
That should be "hungered", and I think it sounds too heavy. There are easier, less convoluted ways to talk about hunger. Use them.
That's for the nitpicking/details. For the story itself, as the reviewers before me have said, it's lacking in conflict. You've got the hint of it in the fact that the lab keeps prodding and the chihuahua doesn't like it, but then it fizzles off and nothing, really, has happened. Notch the tension up a bit, and then maybe you'll hook the reader in.
Hope this helps. PM me if there's anything :P
Jag
Thank you very much guys.
Hey Yuriiko!
Basically, I think the other guys are right. It's cute, but it doesn't have any substance. I think it would be funnier if you included some more conflict. Maybe the chihuahua tries to eat the lab when the lab gets close or something... that sounds kind of awful, actually, lol. But put some more action and have the chihuahua fight a little more!
Also... what's wrong with Victory? I don't get it.
Hey Yuri!
Pink here, yo!
It's about time I pay you back, eh? lol
Nitpicks/comments
I think this sentence can be shortened.
"Neither do I." The sudden sound cringed the dog, making its small pointy ears erect.
*Stood out in the blue sky.
I find the lat bit kind of like baggage. I mean, I don't think you need to mention how the sound annoyed both ears. It's kind of a given, no?
I think you can change 'and' for 'then'. Suggestion.
lol I think you meant *Paris.
Overall, I'm not going to nitpick too much since Kits has already gotten to the most of it. Sorry, if I repeated anything, I didn't really read her review, just skimmed it
Anyway, there are three points that I'd like to mention here. First one would be your use of its vs. him. I noticed that during your dialogue, I had a hard time figuring out which dog was saying what. Because you use 'the dog said this' and 'it did this' it becomes difficult. See, if you use names instead, we definietly know who's talking but using such vague descriptions like that makes it hard to keep track. I suggest writing in their names instead of it's or him.
Next, I'm not quite sure what the main conflict is here. If there is even a conflict at all. What was the problem? Was it because the dog didn't want to say his name? I don't get it...Maybe you should have mentioned what the contest was about...
Anyway, one more thing, as Kit already explained, you have talking dogs! Super awesome! So, it would have been nice if you elaborated more on that. Two dogs, completely different background and attitude. With that being said, I wish you could have added some more dialogue or action to this. Right now, it's just a cute story, well it actually isn't a story, it's more like a scene. A story is supposed to have a beginning a middle and an end. This doesn't
If it does, then maybe I'm missing something. It seemed to be lingering around the name but I can't put it together...
*Thinks*
Why does he hate his name? Victory is a nice name, but you never really explained why it ticks the dog off so much. And the tall blond in the end, was that really Paris Hilton? :/
Also, why did he smirk in the end? Was it because he was Paris's chihuahua? Or something about the name?
In the end, I think you could have made this a bit longer and perhaps more dog-like. Explained a few more things and I really think you could have deepened the descriptions of your dogs more. I would have loved reading more about them, perhaps some weird aspects? You know some people are crazy and like to dress their dogs up? lol Anyway, it was cute.
PM me if you need anything
~Shear
This is ok, it's a little boring in my opinion. I don't know why the little dog doesn't like his name so much? It's ok. It's not like he was named fluffy or anything. Also, which dogs POV is this from?
Hey!
I do think that there are a few things you could change that would make this a lot clearer though.
First off I have to say that I love the concept of this. Dogs having a conversation = bound to be awesome.
You don't actually say who says this, which means that the conversation that follows is quite confusing and it's difficult to tell who's who.
I'm pretty sure cringe is usually used as an action that someone that someone does, as opposed to something that can be done to someone, if that makes any sense. I would suggest going with "made the dog cringe".
To me this sounds funny somehow. I think "stood out against the blue sky" would make more sense.
Can ears be annoyed? They're kinda parts of the whole, so while the dog could be annoyed, it's a little odd to say that the ears themselves were. Also, it seems unnecessary to me to say "both ears" because it's not like the sound would only reach one of the ears.
These dogs seem oddly formal. The whole conversation comes across as quite stilted to be honest. Even if they're not human, it would still be better with natural-sounding dialogue.
Also, this referring to both of them as "the dog" makes it hard to tell who's who, because seeing as they're both dogs it makes it impossible to distinguish who's speaking. I think if you referred to them by their breed right fron the beginning it would make it easier to follow.
I'm guessing this is a simile - unless Paris Hilton is the tall blonde woman? But if it is you might want to change it to "a dog that was so small it could've fitted in Paris Hilton's bag" or something along those lines. Using "seemed" makes it sound like the dog looks as if it's inside a bag, when in reality it's not, which sounds pretty odd.
Its or his? You use both here.
So, overall, this was cute and funny but I think you could do more with it. I mean, talking dogs!
PM me if you have any questions or anything, and good luck with the contest!