deleted

by Yuriiko

Published May 4, 2010

In Contest

PreviousNext

deleted

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Emerson
Review
Emerson wrote a review Review · May 7, 2010

I directly went to the motionless person lying on the bed.
This is a very awkward sentence mostly because of "directly".

This story has a good plot to it but you're missing a lot of key pieces that would make the impact of the story even stronger. A lot of the sentences in this are ones beginning with "I". "I ran" "I went" "I wanted". And yet I don't know anything about the speaker or who he loves so desperately. Without knowing who they are, what they're like, they're connection, it's very hard for me to care about them. All of this is in relation to characterization, you can check out Snoink's Characterization User-group for more help on it.

Bringing the characters to life in this would help it immensely. Also try to not do so much with what the narrator is thinking or doing, but actually tell a story. What does the hospital smell like? What do the people look like that he runs by? Does he run past any significant place, and what do they look like? First person is the most difficult to write in because a lot of people ignore anything outside of the narrator, but there is so much that goes into a story that you need to consider whether you are in first person, or third.

Hope this review helps!

User avatar
jolene
Comment
jolene commented Comment · May 7, 2010

I Take back about the 'knew' part...sorry... :(

User avatar
jolene
Review
jolene wrote a review Review · May 7, 2010

............Thats all?...*stunned*...wow that's sad...I like hoe you ended story like that! I makes me want to read more and more of It! I have one question thou...does he have super strength? Because he knocked that full grown man with a single push. And It should be " before I KNEW it..." other than that...it was fab!
:o

User avatar
BondGirl007
Review
BondGirl007 wrote a review Review · May 4, 2010

Her stunning face ran through my mind that made me feel crazy like hell.

Crazy as hell?

Before I could get into her room, a tall and dark-haired doctor used his arm, with a pen still holding it, to block my way.
Held in it.

I directly went to the motionless person lying on the bed.
Okay this sounds quite odd to read, try rewording it. I went directly?


Before I knew it, tears flooded my eyes.


You've got many awkward sentences in this story, try reading it out loud. It's much easier to catch your mistakes that way, especially if stuff doesn't sound right.



Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
— Martin Luther King Jr.