Published January 16, 2010
Okay, you guys, here's the thing. I'm writing a poem for a poetry contest for CVCC. The topic is Black History- Dare to Dream. I am in the writing field, but I'm on my way to being a novelist, and I don't really know anything about writing poetry (at all). And on top of that, I just entered my first year as a teenager in August, so therefore, I haven't even learned all that much on Black History anyway. So, I know this is really very awful, so please try to bear with me. It's not been edited or reviewed, it's not even finished. This is just the beginning of it. So poetry writers out there, please let me know how to make this better!! Thanks so much.
"Anne Hutchinson lived in Boston with her husband and fourteen children until she angered the town, and dared to spread religion and thought
Rosa Parks dared to sit on the Montgomery, Alabama bus and refused to give up her seat to a white man, and was charged for segregation, this was the battle she and many others fought
Mr. Martin Luther dared to deliver his “I Have a Dream” speech on August 28th, 1963 at the Lincoln Memorial, no more segregation was what he sought
Slaves dared to have a voice, under the hard work of whites, they did their best to find fun in everyday things, but deep down, they knew their freedom was naught
Harriett Tubman, a woman of great courage and passion dared to free the voices crying for help, freedom for the slaves, praying to the good Lord she wouldn’t get caught
Fredrick Douglas dared to spread his opinions about equality and rights, “Let women vote, let’s stop slavery, let’s all bind together!” was the message he taught
Alice Walker dared to express her words through her writing, expressing her ideas about racial issues and segregation, she expressed her ideas through the pieces of writing she brought"
As you can tell, I'm obviously no Emily Dickinson. I'm entering in the contest because, even though I'm not in the poetry field, I still want some writing background. I've just been really frustrated lately because I don't think I'm on the right track, so if you have any advice, at all, that would be great!! Thanks so much!!
P.S.- The only rules, other than the paper it's got to be on, is that it's got to be a minimum of 40 lines.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,462 Literary Works • 674,479 Reviews
Hey there!
I enjoyed the narrative voice and pace of this poem but there are some definate improvements you could pick up on:
1. Structure.
I think your poem completely lacks this. It doesn't read or look like a poem and it therefore doesn't deliver the right effect, it sounds too narrative. Cut it down, line it, show us a poem.
2. Emotive language.
Okay the problem? Yes, there isn't any.
3. Effect/meaning
There's meaning to your poem, but no effect and alas the meaning is pretty much useless.
I hope this helped and I'll read your edit.
Best of luck.
Ben.
Okay you guys, I just did a whole new poem to this, and I tried my best to remember all the advice you guys have given me, so I redid it, and here is the link to it!! topic57530.html This is it ya'll!!
Hello!
I want to share a poem for you that is totally a Black History poem! Maybe it'll spark your imagination to see great poetry in action!
So... you might be thinking to yourself, how exactly is this related to Black History? Good question! A guy, knowing that there were black people in the church, actually bombed it, injuring twenty-three people and killing four girls (about your age) as they were in Sunday school. There names and ages are Denise McNair (11), Addie Mae Collins (14), Carole Robertson (14) and Cynthia Wesley (14).
Read this for more information! http://www.english.illinois.edu/maps/po ... ingham.htm
Then read commentary about the poem! http://www.english.illinois.edu/maps/po ... ballad.htm
The thing is, poetry should be juicy. Really juicy. There is so much anger and betrayal over this race issue that emotion should be brought out to the full. Some of things that happened were absolutely outrageous. Like this bombing, for instance. Do some more research, find something that really inspires you, and write about that. Just don't hold back.
Hello! June here!
Okay! This is a good starting point -- you have all of your ideas laid out for yourself, and here's what you need to do.
1. Narrow this down. Sure, a lot of African-American activists made history and it would be wonderful if you could talk about all of them, but they were such important people that squeezing them into one poem would not do it justice.
Select three names -- your favorite, or at random, and then...
2. Focus on an act. King's I have a Dream speech -- think about what it would've been like to stand in that audience. Think of what the atmosphere might've been like; stuffy, maybe, tense, anticipating, anything. Or, rather, what was it like for them? Standing from a general point, as a lot of history books do, isn't going to get us anywhere, because we're all familiar with that point. In order to write a winning poem, you need to show us an event in a more interesting way than we usually see it.
Here, I think it's cool how you put all of them down for something remarkable, but narrowing it down will help you out, because there'll be less to cover, less to worry about, dear. If I can be anymore assistance, let me know!
June
Hello! There are two main problems I see with this, as it is now. The first is that it doesn't really look like a poem. The only thing indicating that it is a poem is the rhyming, but the lines are so long that by the time you've finished reading the line, you forget that the end of it rhymes with the last word of the previous line, you know? I think you need much shorter lines. And remember, it doesn't have to rhyme. It's great if you can make it rhyme without it sounding forced, and I'm not saying it sounds forced now, because it doesn't. It's just something to bear in mind if you do decide to make the lines shorter.
The second thing is, there are a lot of different facts in here. "Anne Hutchinson lived in Boston with her husband and fourteen children..." Well, if someone is reading about black history (which I know absolutely nothing about), chances are they might already know this. My suggestion would be to take just two or three of these people and really delve into their minds - fourteen children? That must have been really crowded. Perhaps you could imagine what these people were thinking and feeling - don't spread yourself too thin, but concentrate on the deeper feelings. Also, I like how you made a link between them all, that they all "dared" to communicate their ideas. It's a good main focal point for your poem, so perhaps you could delve further into that. Hope that helps!
You've got to put more emotion into it, you're just stating rhyming facts. Come on, put feeling into it. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!! (That was enthusiastic, not hostile
)