Published August 22, 2011
Do You Want It(?)
Do You Want It REAL Bad(?)
Then Go For It(,)
Do Your Thing(.)
Reach High(,)
Because In My Eyes
You(')re A Star(,)
You(')re A Millionaire(,)
You(')re Great(,)
You Are Unstoppable(.)
You Have the Eye Of The Tiger(.)
Never Ever Say Never(.)
Can't Say I Can't(.)
END(.)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,209 Literary Works • 672,084 Reviews
As requested, Bud.
So. For one, I see you have this posted under short stories? o.O It seems like poetry to me. I mean, that's what this is isn't it? Well, I think it can be moved into poetry by a mod or someone. I think. But anyway, I'll just get onto my review now.
Stylistically, this is pretty unique in its own. I've seen writers lay out their poetry in all lowercase, some choose to capitalize the letter at the beginning of each line, etc., but I've never quite seen anyone do what you did, individualizing each word as they are. Not a bad thing, just a different thing. There's also no punctuation involved, which is also a stylistic thing for some, so I guess I won't pester you too much about it. Maybe a question mark or period here and there in the appropriate places wouldn't be such a bad idea. xD
You had a few errors in spelling, which I will anally point out to you being the OCD weirdo I am. I'll also include some of the punctuation the way I would have better liked to see it. Not that you have to include it.
So those are my littler nitpicky corrections. I think overall, the poem was very simple and sweet, but you can obviously do a lot with something like this. You can elaborate the ideas behind the kind of inspiration and encouragement you're trying to evoke. Sometimes simple works very well. Often times, when the writer is being simple though, they still inject a certain kind of unique quality that makes their own words really stand apart from any other's. I'd really love to see you do that with this. Think deeper about what you're trying to say and pull out as much as you can from it. Let the expression spill out of your head into your words. I guarantee you'll love the outcome.
I hope you can take what I've said here and use it to your utmost benefit in improving what you have. Good luck with your future writing endeavors and if you ever are in need of another review feel free to ask!
-Smylin'
Firstly, yes this needs to be in poetry. I will attempt to nitpick here though.
A good message behind this but you may want to look over some of your lines and see if they are what you really want to say - such as 'a millionaire' which isn't something that is automatically associated with being the best. Keep on typing!
I love this its so good. Thats what I see in you. You are unstopable.
I would suggest putting this in poetry.