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The Little Wizard

by XxXTheSwordsmanXxX


Darkness had once again fallen over the land as the moon rose high into the star speckled sky. Basking gentle moonlight over the rolling hills of Dral'n Dema. The Little Wizard watched over his master, as he did every night when the sun would go down, walking the borders of the castle to ensure that nothing would surprise him. Long blue robes hung down from his torso tied with a silver belt. A long pointed cap, covered in silver stars, moons, and suns sat squarely on his head. For decades his kind had been trusted with the protection of the royalty of Dral'n Dema. The powers that his race was blessed with was the only thing that could protect the royal family from the Stromen, the creatures of Un'berd Thede.

The little wizard was no stranger to the hideous creatures that remain in the shadows for the moment to strike. No one had really seen the true form of the Stromen. Completely fogged in black mist like a cloak of night giving only glimpses of their hidden body through the dark haze. The little wizard went over the information about the Stromen that had been beaten into his head since he was young. They live in the darkest parts of Un'berd Thede and survive off of fear and darkness. During the full moon the Stromen are at their weakest; likewise when the moon is hidden they are at their strongest. Unfortunately for the little wizard, tonight the clouds were moving in to blot out the light of the moon casting Dral'n Dema in darkness.

The little wizard checked his bag, once again, for the special weapon that he had made for a night just like this. Opening the leather flap, decorated with glyphs and runes, he revealed a multitude of glass balls filled with white powder. They were an invention of his that he had found were effective when battling the Stromen. His only regret was that he didn't have time to make more. The clouds moved in covering the land in a blanket of darkness. The little wizard called for more torches and to keep the castle well lit. The castle glowed like a beacon in the shadows. The little wizard stood at the wall his bright eyes peering into the night.

First would come the gnashing, like metal teeth grinding together in anticipation, then would come the thunder, hundreds of feet making the ground quake with their numbers, and finally they would see the wisps of shadow crawling into the light of the torches. The creatures in the shadows would test the walls by running and throwing themselves against the mortar and stone in an attempt to breach the walls.

As the first Stromen came into the light, the little wizard called upon the element of fire and gathered it in his hand. He hurtled the burning orbs again and again at the beasts, catching one on fire. The creature let out a screech of pain and ran off into the darkness, becoming only a gentle glow in the distance. The little wizard gave himself a moment of pride before hurling another burning ball at the Stromen.

A resounding boom and cracking wood brought the little wizard's attention to the main gate. Reaching into the small bag at his side he grabbed a few of the glass balls and rushed along the wall. Several of the larger Stromen were battering against the thick timber that barely held strong against the thundering force. The little wizard threw the glass balls letting them shatter on the hard ground and release a dazzling flash of light. The bright light caused the Stromen to screech in pain, like acid was poured onto their skin.

Terrifying screeches announced the arrival of the winged Stromen. The loud whoosh of air gusting down to the earth as the winged creatures propelled themselves toward the castle. Wisps of shadows dance in the night air as they are left behind by the dark beasts.

Electricity jumped between the little wizard's fingers before he released it into the sky with a crackling roar. In a flash, the lightning arched from the castle walls to the flock of Stromen that came for an aerial attack. Covered in static charges, the Stromen plummeted to the earth in a bright display of electricity. Panting the little wizard was just about out of strength and had used up half of his arsenal of glass flash bombs.

Cracking and booms came from the heavy fortress door. The hinges threatening to rip themselves from the walls at every crushing knock. Raising up its head, so that it towered over the walls of the castle, was the largest Stromen that the little wizard had ever seen. Hidden within the shadows, was the form of a giant snake-like image. The giant Stromen reared its head back and lashed out shattering the wooden door and the stone frame that held it.

The little wizard was thrown from the high wall to the earth below. Slowly pushing himself up to his hands and knees. Looking at the earth beneath him he could see the sticky fluid that dripped from somewhere on his face. Lifting a tentative hand, he touched gently at his face to discover that his eye was now missing. Hissing filled the air and the little wizard turned to his adversary. One hand covering his missing eye and the other on his leather bag of flash bombs. He had only one chance to save the prince and it would take perfect timing.

The hints of sunrise slowly glimpsed over the horizon and in a few moments the sun would arrive and drive the vile beasts back to their dark pit. The giant Stromen leered at the little wizard and released a terrifying hiss as it lunged forward. The little wizard threw the small leather bag, half-filled with his flash bombs, into the Stromen's fang-filled mouth. Collecting a small amount of magic in his hand he flung the small orb in along with the leather bag shattering the glass flash-bombs.

The giant Stromen gave out a terrible roar of pain and thrashed back and forth. Beams of light pierced through its shadowy fleshy. The Stromen released a final roar before shattering into a downpour of white flecks. The little wizard smiled while turning to the sunrise that now drove the remaining Stromen back to their dark-filled land of Un'berd Thede. The prince of Dral'n Dema once again safe for another night.

The Little Wizard stumbled toward the castle and up the stairs leading to the prince's chamber. Leaning up against the door, he slowly pushed it open. Inside the prince still lie asleep within his large bed, completely unaware of the danger that had been lurking outside. The Little Wizard crossed the room, being careful not to step on any of the toys that lay strewn about the floor. Sitting on the edge of the bed, The Little Wizard looked down to the prince with a warm smile. His hand brushing through the brown hair that rested over the prince's eyes. “You are safe, my prince,” he said with the love that a father might have for a son. “I will never let anything harm you.” Hearing a voice calling he turned his gaze toward the door.

“Tommy,” a woman with long brown hair said knocking on the white door. “It's time to get up. You'll be late for school.” Her delicate hand grasping the gold colored handle. She gave the door a gentle push revealing the toy-cluttered room inside.

Tommy sat on his bed, the small mass of brown hair on his head sticking up in all different directions and dressed in his race car pajamas. “I wanna sleep, Mom,” Tommy said in a drowsy voice.

“Come on, Tommy,” the mother said with a sweet smile. She reached down picking up the discarded clothes the decorated the floor before tossing them into the hamper. She paused seeing Tommy's favorite toy laying on the floor. She picked up a small stuffed bear with a bright blue cape and pointed hat. “Tommy, what happened to Teddy's eye?” she asked retrieving the small shiny button from the floor.

“I don't know,” he said shuffling and rubbing his eyes.

“Well, you get dressed and I'll sew it back on later,” the Mother said handing the bear back to her son and leaving the room.

Tommy held the bear to him tightly in a loving embrace. I will keep you safe, my prince, the little wizard thought. From now until you need me no more.

_________________________________________________________________________________

I was inspired to write this story while I was putting my, then, one-year old son to bed one night and I noticed his bear sitting in the corner next to him.  The thought occurred to me that stuffed animals have always been said to protect children at night from monsters.  I thought, "What if they really did that during the night.  In a world that no one will ever know about."  To give you some insight into what every thing is, I used anagrams for a few of the words.  I put them into their original words below:

Dral'n Dema = Dreamland

Stromen = Monster

Un'berd Thede = Under the bed


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Sat Oct 29, 2016 3:14 pm
Megrim wrote a review...



This is strange... I'm 90% sure I've read this story before on another site. Have you put a different version of this up on any other writing sites? It's not exactly the same--the names and the monsters are a little different--but I've definitely read the "child's dreams come to life" short story in a very similar format before. I know there was one where the dad was fighting off monsters in like a suburban town, where all the dreams were manifested as real creatures, and I'm pretty sure that was a different person/different story. But there was another one that was a lot like this, with the parent coming into the room at the end etc... Maybe it's just THAT common of a short story concept, but man, this feels soooo familiar.

So uh, that said, obviously I have read several short stories with this exact concept. It's a fun and cute concept. The ending clears up a few questions I'd had while reading, and I think it all winds up falling into place quite nicely.

My biggest comment would have to be to go for more showing rather than telling, especially since this is told in a relatively deep POV (as opposed to an objective narrator--we're in the teddy's POV). I've heard show vs tell referred to as evoking vs informing, and I think that's a more useful way to think about it. Particularly in the first ~3 or so paragraphs, there's a lot of explanation and exposition, and there are things like "this WOULD happen" rather than just having it HAPPEN.

Here are some examples of some telly sentences that could be removed or replaced:

For decades his kind had been trusted with the protection of the royalty of Dral'n Dema. The powers that his race was blessed with was the only thing that could protect the royal family from the Stromen, the creatures of Un'berd Thede.

The little wizard was no stranger to the hideous creatures that remain in the shadows for the moment to strike. No one had really seen the true form of the Stromen. Completely fogged in black mist like a cloak of night giving only glimpses of their hidden body through the dark haze.

They were an invention of his that he had found were effective when battling the Stromen.


Like, you don't need to take time out to stop and tell us this before the action starts. This is all stuff that can be shown AS the creatures approach and swarm. These are all "informative" statements, that get us prepped ahead of time, rather than evoking the feel and look and sounds and emotions involved in actually fighting these guys. You could make this all more "in the moment" by SHOWING that they're shadowy and mysterious as they swarm in, and SHOWING what the glass balls do etc, without having the tells ahead of time. You can leave quite a bit to implication and extrapolation, if the showing is done well, and don't need to explain everything because the reader can already infer it.

Another prose thing I would suggest is avoid "was"s as much as possible. They sap the power out of description and action. If you can, try rewording for more vivid verbs.




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Tue Dec 22, 2015 5:35 pm
~Volant~ wrote a review...



Aw man, this was so cute and clever!! It was a lot of fun to read. ^^

I really enjoyed the fight scene, especially. You have good pacing with action.

Also, I absolutely love how he defeated the stromen! Extremely satisfying.

When you described the "little wizard" as having the cute little conical hat with moons and stars, that was a signal to me as a reader of what kind of story I was in for. Cute, charming, put a smile on my face. In the end, you delivered on that promise. But when this paragraph happened,

XxXTheSwordsmanXxX wrote:Looking at the earth beneath him he could see the sticky fluid that dripped from somewhere on his face. Lifting a tentative hand, he touched gently at his face to discover that his eye was now missing. Hissing filled the air and the little wizard turned to his adversary. One hand covering his missing eye and the other on his leather bag of flash bombs. He had only one chance to save the prince and it would take perfect timing.


it was really jarring. While it made sense in the end, I would suggest finding a way to write losing his eye in a less graphic way. Maybe he doesn't notice until after the fight, when he's talking to the prince? He can say it doesn't matter because it doesn't hurt, and that can be our first clue that something's different, right before the big reveal. It could also add to the sweet relationship between the wizard and the child.

Or, if you want it to feel like an intense battle until the reveal at the end, maybe simply tell us he was dressed in the ceremonial blue robes of the protector, and then have the mom describe the cute little wizard hat. It all depends on how you want to communicate with the reader and what sort of tone you're going for.

I love the high-fantasy-sounding names you gave, but honestly I might scrap them. They're bunched too closely at the beginning for me to absorb, remember, and feel something towards them. And then they're not really mentioned throughout the rest of the story, except for the stromen.

I look forward to reading more from you! I like your writing style a lot! Good luck!




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Sat Dec 19, 2015 3:37 pm
fukase wrote a review...



Hi

Good and sweet story. A one word for this review is, "Creative". You've written quite a flawless story with a really nice setting and little story. Captivating, but poor, you couldn't make a significant effect in this story as it is filled with cliches. I don't really mind these cliche because your intention is honest. Yes, "honest" is another word to describe this story.

Getting on with the plots and characters, I couldn't get my hands on them. Anyway, you could use some descriptions and details about the whole setting of this dreamland. This is a short story, I know, but you could expand your radius only on your points. Don't haggle in many things because short story is just short. Be more blunt and creative. I know you can do this!

Wrapping my crappy review, I just want you to be happy with whatever you write. I really would love to read your stories and would be happy to write any crappy review. The grammar and anything else feel completed. Happy parenting!

Keep writing!

~Memo




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Fri Dec 18, 2015 8:20 pm
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HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



Hello! Ladybug here for a short review! : )

This is super cool! There's so much action and detail and magic that I want to.... Well.... Something really cool, I guess. Like a backflip. It's like you've crafted such an amazing story! I soooooooo want to hear more of this! :D

'Electricity jumped between the little wizard's fingers before he released it into the sky with a crackling roar. In a flash, the lightning arched from the castle walls to the flock of Stromen that came for an aerial attack.'
This is where my attention was really grabbed. The electricity was described so vividly and epically that I felt like I could really see it. It was jus so intense and epic!

'Tommy sat on his bed, the small mass of brown hair on his head sticking up in all different directions and dressed in his race car pajamas.'
This was the only thing I found wrong with this. Previously, you had already described his hair already (and his mother's), so now it feels a bit like it's getting repetitive. You've already described it, so you don't need to again. (I think I've already said that before, though. Darn repetivity!)

'The Stromen released a final roar before shattering into a downpour of white flecks.'
I could see everything here! It was so intense and perfect! I'm wowed at this. It's descriptive and feels so concluding. Am I making any sense?

Yet again, really great job. I loved this so much. It's so cool!

Merry Christmas! :)
~Holographic Ladybug
(Fades away)




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Fri Dec 18, 2015 6:54 pm
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lonewolf22 wrote a review...



This is the coolest story ever. This really is a good story structurally and in other ways. The technique and writing style is very interesting. There were a few parts though that could be fixed up, but the only things off were small. Overall, this is a really cool story, that can be for many age groups, and is very entertaining. The writing style is very well developed and interesting. If the story was changed some, such as simplifying some words, it could be used as a really fun bedtime story. There are also parts that could be expanded also, to make the story longer if wanted, but by itself, it is a cool and entertaining story.





while she was studying the ways of pasta he was studying the ways of the sword
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