Gotcha! There. I got your attention. Now read my poem.
****I am an American Citizen myself...so yeah.. I guess i can say a few things that are wrong with my country. Pleas do not take offense!
**I'm open for corrections and suggestions on how this could be better. I know there is some grammar, as i changed the tenses at the last minute. So eat me alive!-seriously. lol**
Land of the Free? Her name is a lie.
Many are bounded by her so-called freedom. An those of us that aren't bail them out. She oppresses those that keep her country running, and receives the glory when she does nothing.
America the Beautiful? How is hatred beautiful?
Favoring the beautiful over the intellectual, only to come to them for a pay-raise later. She divides herself on shallow premises. And makes fun of cultures she doesn't understand.
Failing to get off her butt and work for a living. and blaming the immigrants that do. Blaming everything on them, and in the end, coming to them for advice.
World Power? I don't think so.
She knows nothing about world she "rules" over. Spreading her wrongly-founded and ignorant assumptions of countries she has never been to. So why does she get offended when the tables turn?
The richest country? "If wishes were horses..."
Spending money she doesn't have, on things she doesn't want, to impress people she doesn't like. Messed-up priorities, and a victim to the market that she created.
On top of the world, and yet she bows before that which destroys her. Herself.
She tries so hard to solve the problems of other nations. How else will those"starving Children in Africa" survive? How about the "oppressed" in China? And the "diseased" in Europe?
Trying to save everyone, when she can't even save herself.
So America is just one big American, in reality. Isn't She? What else is a country, but a representation of her people?
And she knows herself, targeting herself. Making the same mistakes, and expecting different results.
Funkymomo wrote:I think posum had a little glitch, he did that on other things two. . .
Anyways, the poem.
I both like and dislike the poem. For my likes, I like that you kept the poetic form throughout, and I like that you gave good points.
For dislikes, this seem more like it should be in a debate forum. You ask questions, then answer them pointedly. You also kind of pointed out America's mistakes, which I'm not sure how I feel about. It's a touchy subject. Maybe you could write a poem about the changes you would make?
Overall, don't like the subject so much, but you phrase it well.
The questions are rhetorical. I'm not looking for answers, or debates. That's been the main misconception that I've seen in the reviews so far. When I wrote this, I wasn't looking for people to debate with me or question my poem, because it's just a poem, not an argument. My opinion.My perspective. I was making this with the intention of people agreeing, or disagreeing. But it's out of my hands now.
Thanks for the feedback, but this is a poem and I don't want it to seem like I am in favors of or encourage this argument. So I'll leave it here, for reviews. Thanks!
I think posum had a little glitch, he did that on other things two. . .
Anyways, the poem.
I both like and dislike the poem. For my likes, I like that you kept the poetic form throughout, and I like that you gave good points.
For dislikes, this seem more like it should be in a debate forum. You ask questions, then answer them pointedly. You also kind of pointed out America's mistakes, which I'm not sure how I feel about. It's a touchy subject. Maybe you could write a poem about the changes you would make?
Overall, don't like the subject so much, but you phrase it well.
I liked it very much. I am very patriotic, however you make some very good points. The thing I liked the most was how can we save others if we can save ourselves. Nice!
True, and if you have any further complaints or problems, please pm me privatly, so we don't waste reviewing space an turn this into a debate forum. No one is in the mood for that, now. Thanks!
If you were offended, you could just say it straight up, you know? Be direct. I'll break this poem down later on, and give MY facts and experiences to explain what it means. And they're credible reasons/sources, too. But this poem WAS made on a strong foundation, and other that agree with me can sees that. But I guess that not everyone does. Thanks! -directed at Attola, BTW.
Guys, remember that there is a debate forum. She seems to already have her mind made up and answered the dislikes. Plus many people do on fact like this poem, so maybe you could continue this debate through PMs instead of using up reviewing space.
Wow I really like this poem. Not sure it works as well lyrical poetry as it does as just poetry in and of itself. But yes, I really do like this. I think all of the grammar mistakes have been pointed out. I really like all the messages you have in there, especially about immigrants and about America being the Richest Country and all. It's so very true, well done!
Well.... Okay, let's see here. I must say that this poem is... well, it's a mouthful.
Poetically, I'll admit, it's pretty good. It shows good writing skills and a bit of personality. That's always good to include in any sort of writing, formal, personal, or informal.
As far as the content goes, that's questionable. You're treading in shark filled waters wearing a suit made out of seal meat. Or holding a lit match in a room full of dynamite. Now, that's not always a bad thing, right? Sometimes people really like it when you go on the dangerous side of things, right? I mean, if you've ever read some of the things by George Orwell, they always seem to be attacking different things in politics or in government or things of that nature, but in a satirical way. So people can take it for what they think it's worth, whether it be an odd story about animals on a farm or a comparison story for socialist Russia and Stalin.
I do agree with many of the things that some of the other reviewers have already commented on. This poem seems vastly generalized and narrow-minded, but like I've said before, that's not always a bad thing. It all depends on your presentation. And, to be honest, the presentation on this was rather... blunt. Forced. Uncreative. It reminds me of propaganda as well, honestly.
A suggestion I do have, if you really want lots of people to read this, turn it into a satire. Satires are good for everybody, because thee will be the people that just want to enjoy it as a good story/poem, then there will be the others who actually want to find the meaning behind everything and figure out what exactly it is that you are going after. This would 1) give people who don't share the same views as you more of an example of why they should think the way you think and 2) give those that do share the same ideas as you do more reason to think that way.
I'm not suggesting sugar-coating it, either. Some things, sure, are best told flat-out and straight to your face without any sort of safety net or protection from getting one's feelings hurt. But still, this is a poem written by a writer. A writer's whole purpose in life is to write their ideas in a way that people who like those ideas want to read it and those that don't like those ideas will at least gain some interest through the writing.
Now, don't go after me saying that although I'm entitled to have my own opinion, I'm just blind to the problems of the world that America causes or anything like that. I'm an Oklahoman, and yes, Okies do tend to have a bit of a love for their country, mostly because we do have a better outlook on life in general, or at least when compared to states that are in climates unlike Oklahoma's, but I do still have an idea about how much our government is flawed. But name me a government that isn't flawed? Name me a government that hasn't made choices that the general public didn't like? Obama is still trying to get universal health care, yet I know that not too many people like that. I also know that the main reason he did get voted in was because everyone thought "Oh, boy! A black president! He should do great!" when in truth his ideas weren't very good to begin with. I'm not attacking Obama, I'm just saying I'm aware of things that go on.
Again, I'm not saying that a lot of what you're saying in your poem isn't exactly just or deserved, but you're still attacking things harshly and trying to make it seem artistic when it's not. Heck, even screamo singers who sing about death and hate and things that are wrong with the world still have to add some artistic touches here and there so then people aren't immediately turned off from their song.
Hey, I respect your opinion even though I don't agree with it. We may live in two different parts of America. Yours may be filled with open-minded frugal conservatives who don't associate too much with the media, but where I am, people voice ignorant opinions all the time.
I'm actually from one of the most socioeconomically diverse towns in the country (and now I live in LA, which is the very antithesis of open-minded frugal conservatism, lol), but its major characteristic was immigration and work. So people in my community were very down-to-earth and hard-working. They appreciate the opportunities given to them, as I do, which is why I did take offense at this poem. That said, there were also very ignorant people in my high school. But they were the minority, and thus I tend to think of ignorant people, although their voices are always the loudest, as the minority. This might be optimist, but I also tend to think it's the truth. I always tend to attribute ignorant and, I'm sorry but, overly-self-hating-america opinions to privileged people. It's easy to criticize when you have a lot. When you work hard for everything, you appreciate it more.
Now- saying it is nonsensical is just rude. I live here, and who better to know about a place and it's society than a person who was raised and interacts with Americans on a day to day basis? You seem to be speaking a whole lot of English here, but youre just repeating yourself, really.
I apologize if I was rude, and I probably was, I'm sorry. But I found pretty good instances where you didn't make sense - the definition of nonsensical. The first two lines of your poem make no sense; you seem to be both criticizing economic freedom and socialist policies. Which is it? What do you mean, exactly? How can you make an argument criticizing America with that? Your poem was filled with instances like that. I can't agree with a poem that doesn't make sense factually and that relies on unfounded accusations.
Remember that this is poem, not a debate paper. It's my opinion. It's like religion, those who don't understand or believe may disagree or think it doesn't make "sense", but the followers know it's true beauty.
Unless you think our country is perfect....
I think many, many things are wrong with America. Well, the American government, as I find it unfair to criticize a nation as a whole when my disagreements are with its government. Both major political parties are self-contradicting and horribly corrupt. The two party system itself is inherently flawed and harmful to our nation. Our country's stance on gay marriage, abortion, and legalization of certain narcotics limits citizens of individual freedoms which I believe to be their rights. Our politicians care very little for the good of out country as opposed to the special interests they serve, and our political system is such that this situation of corruption is almost impossible to change. I find many, many things wrong with my country, but I still love it for its freedoms and opportunities and lack of historic, deep-rooted divided social classes, which most Western countries, in comparison, possess. Although I know many things are wrong with my country, things are wrong with most countries, and I believe I can still overwhelmingly love my nation while realizing its flaws. Please do not insinuate, that because I do not agree with a poem that stereotypes my country in unfair, untrue, and hurtful ways, I am ignorant. As I said, I love criticism of America. That's what freedom of speech is. I love it, however, when it is based on fact.
EDIT: I am sorry, I do understand your point that this poem is opinion. And so I'm sorry that I keep going on about this. But 1) my professional opinion in writing is to use facts 2) this poem did offend me.
Hey, I respect your opinion even though I don't agree with it. We may live in two different parts of America. Yours may be filled with open-minded frugal conservatives who don't associate too much with the media, but where I am, people voice ignorant opinions all the time. I'm from Europe ad Africa, I know what it is like there. But that doesnt stop people from making ignorant assumptions about those places based on what they hear from skewed television stories, does it?
Now- saying it is nonsensical is just rude. I live here, and who better to know about a place and it's society than a person who was raised and interacts with Americans on a day to day basis? You seem to be speaking a whole lot of English here, but your just repeating yourself, really.
I don't mind if you hate it, it's your opinion. Others got the point. I got the point from the other two paragraphs. Thanks for the suggestions, but I'll stick to my critical view. Others seemed to have liked it.
Remember that this is poem, not a debate paper. It's my opinion. It's like religion, those who don't understand or believe may disagree or think it doesn't make "sense", but the followers know it's true beauty.
I'm not an American citizen, but obviously with the news and all...so i agree with you, and everyone is entitled to there own oppinion, so just remember that...
I'm sorry, but this is just full of largely inaccurate generalizations and stereotypes, to the point where I have absolutely no respect for it. I'm all for criticism of one's country, but when that criticism is original, accurate, and - this is the biggest - with positive intentions. Criticism merely with the intent of deprecation is biased and unreliable, as well as pointless and malicious. And again, these are just all rash generalizations, extremist views, and often, nonsensicalness accusations that have no real grounds. To be advocating such extremist stereotypes as infallible truths is, ironically, much more ignorant than the ignorance you claim Americans possess in regards to the world.
Many are bounded by her so-called freedom. An those of us that aren't bail them out.
Who exactly is bound by freedom in America? Like, what exactly do you think binds them? Obviously, you don't think America is as free as she is said to be. In what terms do you mean? Economics? Social issues? And who are you comparing her to? America is, in fact, one of the most economically free nations in the world. Socially, we are pretty near the top as well. But you can't really be "bound" by say, the lack of abortions in a certain state, in the way I think you mean. So you must mean economically, and that just makes no sense. So are you trying to say that economic freedom is bad? Regardless, it still is freedom either way, so then I don't understand why you are calling it "so-called". But then the next line insinuates the more well-to-do economically helping out the poor - socialist practices. (I'm not degrading socialism here, that just really what it is, technically.) So then you're saying that we do have some socialism... and your tone makes THAT seem bad as well. So what is it you want, economic freedom or more socialist policies? See what I mean, just the first two lines make no sense. They just rely on the sentiment of lets-hate-america-because-she-has-such-a-undeserved-reputation-of-greatness-when-really-she-sucks-and-so-lets-be-so-original-and-brave-and-call-her-out-on-it-despite-all-the-people-who-love-her. Which is actually an extremely unoriginal, old, popular sentiment.
She oppresses those that keep her country running, and receives the glory when she does nothing
I'm gonna try to decipher what you mean by this. "Those that keep her country running" I'm gonna assume you mean the working class. But this statement makes it seem like we have very rigidly divided economic classes, and a top rich elite that dominates a country of lower-class people, which is not true. We have a great and HUGE middle class which makes up most of the country. The middle class is who keep the country running. (Actually, that statement could be applied to any level of the economy, it really means nothing. The upper class is who actually creates jobs and makes the most money cycle throughout the economy, the middle class fufils much-needed service professions, and the lower class generally contributes labor, etc. None keep the country running more than the others.) So who is "she" oppressing, the lower class? Or the middle class, who make up most of the population and in my opinion thus probably do most of the running of the country? I do not understand how she can be oppressing the lower classes. "Oppressing" has historically and universally meant either the overburden of taxes or the limitation of rights. The lower class is NOT impaled by any different system of rights than the rest of the country (as in many countries, those people are, or have been). Everyone has the same exact rights in the United States of America. (Well, except for gay people, and I disagree with that but it is not relevant to this topic, as I'm pretty sure you weren't referring to gay people.) So you think the lower class is overburdened with taxes? The lower class, actually, pays the least taxes of any economic class in America. And not just proportionally, often by percentage. Are you saying, then, that there should be less burden of taxes? More rightward-leaning economics? Somehow, lol, I do not think that is where you stand. So this really makes no sense.
And I really disagree that we receive glory at all. From my take of things, most people in Western Europe (which is always what America-criticism thinks of as the comparison, the world, and the "better example") have a less-than-great opinion of American politics.
Favoring the beautiful over the intellectual, only to come to them for a pay-raise later.
Excuse me? I can think of two worlds in which this is resoundingly true. The world of Hollywood, actors, and celebrities, and the world of high school drama and cliques. Both of which may concern teenagers like you heavily, but never of which you can use to typify American life. In real-world, working America, the beautiful are not favored over the intellectual. You aren't gonna be promoted in your business for beauty over intelligence. So yes, while the beautiful may be revered in the highly-publicized arena of celebrities and the like, that does not mean you can say the country of America favors pretty people over smart people. We may in the terms of which actresses we like, but in working America, intelligence is more useful and thus, more favored.
I could keep going on and on; these statements are unfounded generalizations that often don't even make sense. They just relying on that "original" anti-American sentiment and some pretty language.
That said,
Failing to get off her butt and work for a living. and blaming the immigrants that do
Although this is also a rash generalization and definitely a stereotype that is in no way true for everyone, I'm agree with you on this one. I love immigrants. I grew up in an immigrant town, and the first-generation ones, at least, are the most hard-working people. I hate it when people blame America's problems on immigrants. Hello, we are all immigrants. Except for Native Americans. But again, this is a generalization. There are so many hard-working non-immigrant people in this country.
And,
Spending money she doesn't have, on things she doesn't want, to impress people she doesn't like. Messed-up priorities, and a victim to the market that she created.
I do like the style of your poem, however much I find the much of the content terribly ignorant and unfairly generalized. And you're good at creating tones.
But again, you just can't parade such rash stereotypes as infallible truth. I found this poem ignorant, biased, and often nonsensical. Of course you're going to get some people who are already vaguely leaning toward anti-Americanism without any solid consciousness why and those who love to have "original," radical thoughts to think, "Wow, this was such a great poem. I can't believe I never thought of all this, it's really all true." But if you're going to criticize America, do it with facts. Don't make unfair and hurtful generalizations. I know what I'm about to say wasn't your intention for this poem, but this poem exemplifies aspects of really good propaganda. It uses little-to-no facts, pretty language, heavy generalization, and a strong, powerful sentiment/tone that appeals to people already of this mindset to persuade them further along this view.
I wasn't aiming on having anything other than a calm, reasonable tone in this post, but I think I failed at that in a few parts, for which I am sorry. I hate when debate and disagreement turns into malicious argument, and I don't want this to turn into one. Please forgive the parts where I may've started down that path.
Yeah, I get what you mean, but changing it would ruin the whole "society" effect. True, each country has it's good and bad people, but this poem focuses mainly on society- it's negative points, and what it's becoming.
This isn't meant to be a happy poem. But I am describing a majority of what I have seen. The good in America most likely notice it,too.
Thanks for the Suggestions! I would change the wording now, but that's almost impossible to do on an iPod. I'll do it, though! ------------------- -Jojo.
That's perfectly fine that you feel strongly about something, but it might be good to stop and breath when you write about a touchy subject such as this.
The writing itself is good, your word choice nice and varied, but there are a few instances where it could be better. Take the two quotes below:
And makes fun of cultures she doesn't understand.
Failing to get off her butt and work for a living.
Emphasis mine. You've shown us word choice complex and intricate, and then you come to these two lines and it's like you're talking how you would every day, instead of writing formally. It just feels out of place.
My main problem with this poem is that it is too general. The points you make are valid, but you make it seem in this poem that this applies to everyone. There are a lot of hardworking people in this country who are respectable and honest and wonderful who have made a difference. Within your poem, I would make references to those people and show the population is complex. There are good and bad people within our country -- this is true of any country, actually.
Also, you are American. If you don't like what's going on with our government and with some of the people in our country, don't be afraid to do something about it! However small, whether it be eating healthier and not going to fast food restaurants, to being environmentally conscious and going to rallies, and show that you want to help and contribute.
Good luck with your revisions, and feel free to PM me if you need anything!
This is one of those moments where crickets go off in the background. I'm stunned. In a good way. I 100% Agree with you on every word you said. I too am an American citizen. And am sick of seeming to be everything, but being nothing. America isn't all that it seems. We need to fix ourselvs before fixing others. Kudos to you for having the nerve to say it.
Don't get me wrong,I love America. I just gave a different perspective on our country. Many Americans i know liked this poem and agreed with me on this. I don't expect everyone to like it or agree with me. At least I didn't make a religious poem. And just because one person has a bone to pick with the government doesn't mean everyone does. I'll stick to society as is, and maybe you can try your hand at a poem on government.
America us a great country, it the American society that needs help...like all of us. No generalization, here. Just society, as plain and true as it is. Thanks for the feedback!
I, for one, love this poem. This is the first poem that talks about real issues with such bluntness and no sugar-coating that I have ever read, and it is not meant to please, but to pull things that people do not want to acknowledge into the light. Lovely lovely! I am an American citizen as well, and She is a great country, but she does have many flaws, sometimes more than the countries she tries to help. I love the boldness of it all, the truth, the tone fits well, and the way you organized it is pretty neat. The post above takes care of the grammar issues, but as for content, I think this is one of the very best poems I have ever read here. Keep up the great work!
XxJoJoxX wrote:Land of the Free? Her name is a lie.
Many are bounded by her so-called freedom. An those of us that aren't bail them out. And She oppresses those that keep her country running, and receives the glory when she does nothing.
America the Beautiful? How is hatred beautiful?
Favoring the beautiful over the intellectual, only to come to them for a pay-raise later.coming She divides herself on shallow premises., And makes fun of cultures she doesn't understand. a
Failing to get off her butt and work for a living., and blaming the immigrants that do. Blaming everything on them, and in the end, coming to them for advice.
World Power? I don't think so.
She knows nothing about world she "rules" over. Spreading her wrongly-founded and ignorant assumptions of countries she has never been to. So why does she get offended when the tables turn?
The richest country? "If wishes were horses..."
Spending money she doesn't have,Take that out. on things she doesn't want,That too. to impress people she doesn't like. Messed-up priorities, and a victim to the market that she created.
On top of the world, and yet she bows before that which destroys her. Herself.
She tries so hard to solve the problems of other nations. How else will those "starving Children in Africa" survive? How about the "oppressed" in China? And the "diseased" in Europe?
Trying to save everyone, when she can't even save herself.
So America is just one big American, in reality. Isn't She? What else is a country, but a representation of her people?
And she knows herself, targeting herself. Making the same mistakes, and expecting different results.
It's stupidity. What else would you call it?
I, as an American citizen, despite the "do not take offense" warning, took offense. And you as an American citizen should have known enough to diss the government, not the entire country! Yes, the majority of the population fits the mold you carved out, but then there are people who are not shallow and stupid. You shouldn't generalize so much. You should either generalize a little less, or diss the government instead.
WOW. That's all I can say. Oh, that and I'm totally following you now.
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Well, all the grammar has been taken care of, and I see what both sides feel.
Thanks for the feedback.
Let's leave it at that!
-----------------
-jojo
The questions are rhetorical. I'm not looking for answers, or debates.
That's been the main misconception that I've seen in the reviews so far. When I wrote this, I wasn't looking for people to
debate with me or question my poem, because it's just a poem, not an argument.
My opinion.My perspective.
I was making this with the intention of people agreeing, or disagreeing.
But it's out of my hands now.
Thanks for the feedback, but this is a poem and I don't want it to seem like I am in favors of or encourage this argument.
So I'll leave it here, for reviews.
Thanks!
I think posum had a little glitch, he did that on other things two. . .
Anyways, the poem.
I both like and dislike the poem. For my likes, I like that you kept the poetic form throughout, and I like that you gave good points.
For dislikes, this seem more like it should be in a debate forum. You ask questions, then answer them pointedly. You also kind of pointed out America's mistakes, which I'm not sure how I feel about. It's a touchy subject. Maybe you could write a poem about the changes you would make?
Overall, don't like the subject so much, but you phrase it well.
What?
I liked it very much. I am very patriotic, however you make some very good points. The thing I liked the most was how can we save others if we can save ourselves. Nice!
Thanks for the kind review!
And I apologize if anyone takes offense.
-------------------
-Jojo.
Great work... It's just AWESOME.... WOW... I'm a fan buddy...
Keep it up...
Amazing- totally awsome! I can't even pick out a point at which to eat at, a really super good peice.
True, and if you have any further complaints or problems, please pm me privatly, so we don't waste reviewing space an turn this into a debate forum.
No one is in the mood for that, now.
Thanks!
If you were offended, you could just say it straight up, you know?
Be direct.
I'll break this poem down later on, and give MY facts and experiences to explain what it means.
And they're credible reasons/sources, too.
But this poem WAS made on a strong foundation, and other that agree with me can sees that.
But I guess that not everyone does.
Thanks!
-directed at Attola, BTW.
Guys, remember that there is a debate forum. She seems to already have her mind made up and answered the dislikes. Plus many people do on fact like this poem, so maybe you could continue this debate through PMs instead of using up reviewing space.
Wow I really like this poem.
Not sure it works as well lyrical poetry as it does as just poetry in and of itself. But yes, I really do like this. I think all of the grammar mistakes have been pointed out. I really like all the messages you have in there, especially about immigrants and about America being the Richest Country and all. It's so very true, well done!
Well.... Okay, let's see here. I must say that this poem is... well, it's a mouthful.
Poetically, I'll admit, it's pretty good. It shows good writing skills and a bit of personality. That's always good to include in any sort of writing, formal, personal, or informal.
As far as the content goes, that's questionable. You're treading in shark filled waters wearing a suit made out of seal meat. Or holding a lit match in a room full of dynamite. Now, that's not always a bad thing, right? Sometimes people really like it when you go on the dangerous side of things, right? I mean, if you've ever read some of the things by George Orwell, they always seem to be attacking different things in politics or in government or things of that nature, but in a satirical way. So people can take it for what they think it's worth, whether it be an odd story about animals on a farm or a comparison story for socialist Russia and Stalin.
I do agree with many of the things that some of the other reviewers have already commented on. This poem seems vastly generalized and narrow-minded, but like I've said before, that's not always a bad thing. It all depends on your presentation. And, to be honest, the presentation on this was rather... blunt. Forced. Uncreative. It reminds me of propaganda as well, honestly.
A suggestion I do have, if you really want lots of people to read this, turn it into a satire. Satires are good for everybody, because thee will be the people that just want to enjoy it as a good story/poem, then there will be the others who actually want to find the meaning behind everything and figure out what exactly it is that you are going after. This would 1) give people who don't share the same views as you more of an example of why they should think the way you think and 2) give those that do share the same ideas as you do more reason to think that way.
I'm not suggesting sugar-coating it, either. Some things, sure, are best told flat-out and straight to your face without any sort of safety net or protection from getting one's feelings hurt. But still, this is a poem written by a writer. A writer's whole purpose in life is to write their ideas in a way that people who like those ideas want to read it and those that don't like those ideas will at least gain some interest through the writing.
Now, don't go after me saying that although I'm entitled to have my own opinion, I'm just blind to the problems of the world that America causes or anything like that. I'm an Oklahoman, and yes, Okies do tend to have a bit of a love for their country, mostly because we do have a better outlook on life in general, or at least when compared to states that are in climates unlike Oklahoma's, but I do still have an idea about how much our government is flawed. But name me a government that isn't flawed? Name me a government that hasn't made choices that the general public didn't like? Obama is still trying to get universal health care, yet I know that not too many people like that. I also know that the main reason he did get voted in was because everyone thought "Oh, boy! A black president! He should do great!" when in truth his ideas weren't very good to begin with. I'm not attacking Obama, I'm just saying I'm aware of things that go on.
Again, I'm not saying that a lot of what you're saying in your poem isn't exactly just or deserved, but you're still attacking things harshly and trying to make it seem artistic when it's not. Heck, even screamo singers who sing about death and hate and things that are wrong with the world still have to add some artistic touches here and there so then people aren't immediately turned off from their song.
I'm actually from one of the most socioeconomically diverse towns in the country (and now I live in LA, which is the very antithesis of open-minded frugal conservatism, lol), but its major characteristic was immigration and work. So people in my community were very down-to-earth and hard-working. They appreciate the opportunities given to them, as I do, which is why I did take offense at this poem. That said, there were also very ignorant people in my high school. But they were the minority, and thus I tend to think of ignorant people, although their voices are always the loudest, as the minority. This might be optimist, but I also tend to think it's the truth. I always tend to attribute ignorant and, I'm sorry but, overly-self-hating-america opinions to privileged people. It's easy to criticize when you have a lot. When you work hard for everything, you appreciate it more.
I apologize if I was rude, and I probably was, I'm sorry. But I found pretty good instances where you didn't make sense - the definition of nonsensical. The first two lines of your poem make no sense; you seem to be both criticizing economic freedom and socialist policies. Which is it? What do you mean, exactly? How can you make an argument criticizing America with that? Your poem was filled with instances like that. I can't agree with a poem that doesn't make sense factually and that relies on unfounded accusations.
I think many, many things are wrong with America. Well, the American government, as I find it unfair to criticize a nation as a whole when my disagreements are with its government. Both major political parties are self-contradicting and horribly corrupt. The two party system itself is inherently flawed and harmful to our nation. Our country's stance on gay marriage, abortion, and legalization of certain narcotics limits citizens of individual freedoms which I believe to be their rights. Our politicians care very little for the good of out country as opposed to the special interests they serve, and our political system is such that this situation of corruption is almost impossible to change. I find many, many things wrong with my country, but I still love it for its freedoms and opportunities and lack of historic, deep-rooted divided social classes, which most Western countries, in comparison, possess. Although I know many things are wrong with my country, things are wrong with most countries, and I believe I can still overwhelmingly love my nation while realizing its flaws. Please do not insinuate, that because I do not agree with a poem that stereotypes my country in unfair, untrue, and hurtful ways, I am ignorant. As I said, I love criticism of America. That's what freedom of speech is. I love it, however, when it is based on fact.
EDIT: I am sorry, I do understand your point that this poem is opinion. And so I'm sorry that I keep going on about this. But 1) my professional opinion in writing is to use facts 2) this poem did offend me.
Hey, I respect your opinion even though I don't agree with it. We may live in two different parts of America. Yours may be filled with open-minded frugal conservatives who don't associate too much with the media, but where I am, people voice ignorant opinions all the time.
I'm from Europe ad Africa, I know what it is like there. But that doesnt stop people from making ignorant assumptions about those places based on what they hear from skewed television stories, does it?
Now- saying it is nonsensical is just rude. I live here, and who better to know about a place and it's society than a person who was raised and interacts with Americans on a day to day basis?
You seem to be speaking a whole lot of English here, but your just repeating yourself, really.
I don't mind if you hate it, it's your opinion. Others got the point. I got the point from the other two paragraphs.
Thanks for the suggestions, but I'll stick to my critical view.
Others seemed to have liked it.
Remember that this is poem, not a debate paper. It's my opinion. It's like religion, those who don't understand or believe may disagree or think it doesn't make "sense", but the followers know it's true beauty.
Unless you think our country is perfect.....
Hey,
I'm not an American citizen, but obviously with the news and all...so i agree with you, and everyone is entitled to there own oppinion, so just remember that...
Good poem
I'm sorry, but this is just full of largely inaccurate generalizations and stereotypes, to the point where I have absolutely no respect for it. I'm all for criticism of one's country, but when that criticism is original, accurate, and - this is the biggest - with positive intentions. Criticism merely with the intent of deprecation is biased and unreliable, as well as pointless and malicious. And again, these are just all rash generalizations, extremist views, and often, nonsensicalness accusations that have no real grounds. To be advocating such extremist stereotypes as infallible truths is, ironically, much more ignorant than the ignorance you claim Americans possess in regards to the world.
Who exactly is bound by freedom in America? Like, what exactly do you think binds them? Obviously, you don't think America is as free as she is said to be. In what terms do you mean? Economics? Social issues? And who are you comparing her to? America is, in fact, one of the most economically free nations in the world. Socially, we are pretty near the top as well. But you can't really be "bound" by say, the lack of abortions in a certain state, in the way I think you mean. So you must mean economically, and that just makes no sense. So are you trying to say that economic freedom is bad? Regardless, it still is freedom either way, so then I don't understand why you are calling it "so-called". But then the next line insinuates the more well-to-do economically helping out the poor - socialist practices. (I'm not degrading socialism here, that just really what it is, technically.) So then you're saying that we do have some socialism... and your tone makes THAT seem bad as well. So what is it you want, economic freedom or more socialist policies? See what I mean, just the first two lines make no sense. They just rely on the sentiment of lets-hate-america-because-she-has-such-a-undeserved-reputation-of-greatness-when-really-she-sucks-and-so-lets-be-so-original-and-brave-and-call-her-out-on-it-despite-all-the-people-who-love-her. Which is actually an extremely unoriginal, old, popular sentiment.
I'm gonna try to decipher what you mean by this. "Those that keep her country running" I'm gonna assume you mean the working class. But this statement makes it seem like we have very rigidly divided economic classes, and a top rich elite that dominates a country of lower-class people, which is not true. We have a great and HUGE middle class which makes up most of the country. The middle class is who keep the country running. (Actually, that statement could be applied to any level of the economy, it really means nothing. The upper class is who actually creates jobs and makes the most money cycle throughout the economy, the middle class fufils much-needed service professions, and the lower class generally contributes labor, etc. None keep the country running more than the others.) So who is "she" oppressing, the lower class? Or the middle class, who make up most of the population and in my opinion thus probably do most of the running of the country? I do not understand how she can be oppressing the lower classes. "Oppressing" has historically and universally meant either the overburden of taxes or the limitation of rights. The lower class is NOT impaled by any different system of rights than the rest of the country (as in many countries, those people are, or have been). Everyone has the same exact rights in the United States of America. (Well, except for gay people, and I disagree with that but it is not relevant to this topic, as I'm pretty sure you weren't referring to gay people.) So you think the lower class is overburdened with taxes? The lower class, actually, pays the least taxes of any economic class in America. And not just proportionally, often by percentage. Are you saying, then, that there should be less burden of taxes? More rightward-leaning economics? Somehow, lol, I do not think that is where you stand. So this really makes no sense.
And I really disagree that we receive glory at all. From my take of things, most people in Western Europe (which is always what America-criticism thinks of as the comparison, the world, and the "better example") have a less-than-great opinion of American politics.
Excuse me? I can think of two worlds in which this is resoundingly true. The world of Hollywood, actors, and celebrities, and the world of high school drama and cliques. Both of which may concern teenagers like you heavily, but never of which you can use to typify American life. In real-world, working America, the beautiful are not favored over the intellectual. You aren't gonna be promoted in your business for beauty over intelligence. So yes, while the beautiful may be revered in the highly-publicized arena of celebrities and the like, that does not mean you can say the country of America favors pretty people over smart people. We may in the terms of which actresses we like, but in working America, intelligence is more useful and thus, more favored.
I could keep going on and on; these statements are unfounded generalizations that often don't even make sense. They just relying on that "original" anti-American sentiment and some pretty language.
That said,
Although this is also a rash generalization and definitely a stereotype that is in no way true for everyone, I'm agree with you on this one. I love immigrants. I grew up in an immigrant town, and the first-generation ones, at least, are the most hard-working people. I hate it when people blame America's problems on immigrants. Hello, we are all immigrants. Except for Native Americans. But again, this is a generalization. There are so many hard-working non-immigrant people in this country.
And,
I do like the style of your poem, however much I find the much of the content terribly ignorant and unfairly generalized. And you're good at creating tones.
But again, you just can't parade such rash stereotypes as infallible truth. I found this poem ignorant, biased, and often nonsensical. Of course you're going to get some people who are already vaguely leaning toward anti-Americanism without any solid consciousness why and those who love to have "original," radical thoughts to think, "Wow, this was such a great poem. I can't believe I never thought of all this, it's really all true." But if you're going to criticize America, do it with facts. Don't make unfair and hurtful generalizations. I know what I'm about to say wasn't your intention for this poem, but this poem exemplifies aspects of really good propaganda. It uses little-to-no facts, pretty language, heavy generalization, and a strong, powerful sentiment/tone that appeals to people already of this mindset to persuade them further along this view.
I wasn't aiming on having anything other than a calm, reasonable tone in this post, but I think I failed at that in a few parts, for which I am sorry. I hate when debate and disagreement turns into malicious argument, and I don't want this to turn into one. Please forgive the parts where I may've started down that path.
Thank you!
Perfect. Simply perfect. I feel quite at ease that I am not the only one who believes this. Well done!!!
Yeah, I get what you mean, but changing it would ruin the whole "society" effect.
True, each country has it's good and bad people, but this poem focuses mainly on society- it's negative points, and what it's becoming.
This isn't meant to be a happy poem. But I am describing a majority of what I have seen. The good in America most likely notice it,too.
Thanks for the Suggestions!
I would change the wording now, but that's almost impossible to do on an iPod.
I'll do it, though!
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-Jojo.
Hello there. I see you have some strong opinions.
That's perfectly fine that you feel strongly about something, but it might be good to stop and breath when you write about a touchy subject such as this.
The writing itself is good, your word choice nice and varied, but there are a few instances where it could be better. Take the two quotes below:
Emphasis mine. You've shown us word choice complex and intricate, and then you come to these two lines and it's like you're talking how you would every day, instead of writing formally. It just feels out of place.
My main problem with this poem is that it is too general. The points you make are valid, but you make it seem in this poem that this applies to everyone. There are a lot of hardworking people in this country who are respectable and honest and wonderful who have made a difference. Within your poem, I would make references to those people and show the population is complex. There are good and bad people within our country -- this is true of any country, actually.
Also, you are American. If you don't like what's going on with our government and with some of the people in our country, don't be afraid to do something about it! However small, whether it be eating healthier and not going to fast food restaurants, to being environmentally conscious and going to rallies, and show that you want to help and contribute.
Good luck with your revisions, and feel free to PM me if you need anything!
~ Elinor
Thank you! Exactly what I was going for!
This is one of those moments where crickets go off in the background. I'm stunned. In a good way. I 100% Agree with you on every word you said. I too am an American citizen. And am sick of seeming to be everything, but being nothing. America isn't all that it seems. We need to fix ourselvs before fixing others. Kudos to you for having the nerve to say it.
Don't get me wrong,I love America. I just gave a different perspective on our country. Many Americans i know liked this poem and agreed with me on this.
I don't expect everyone to like it or agree with me.
At least I didn't make a religious poem.
And just because one person has a bone to pick with the government doesn't mean everyone does.
I'll stick to society as is, and maybe you can try your hand at a poem on government.
America us a great country, it the American society that needs help...like all of us.
No generalization, here. Just society, as plain and true as it is.
Thanks for the feedback!
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-Jojo.
I, for one, love this poem.
This is the first poem that talks about real issues with such bluntness and no sugar-coating that I have ever read, and it is not meant to please, but to pull things that people do not want to acknowledge into the light. Lovely lovely! I am an American citizen as well, and She is a great country, but she does have many flaws, sometimes more than the countries she tries to help. I love the boldness of it all, the truth, the tone fits well, and the way you organized it is pretty neat. The post above takes care of the grammar issues, but as for content, I think this is one of the very best poems I have ever read here.
Keep up the great work!
I, as an American citizen, despite the "do not take offense" warning, took offense. And you as an American citizen should have known enough to diss the government, not the entire country! Yes, the majority of the population fits the mold you carved out, but then there are people who are not shallow and stupid. You shouldn't generalize so much. You should either generalize a little less, or diss the government instead.
WOW. That's all I can say. Oh, that and I'm totally following you now.