The Nightmare Begins -Chapter 4

by XxKaixX

Published May 15, 2014

12+

In The Nightmare Begins

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I’m sooo happy that I woke up calmly, but mad that I still woke up at five o’clock. It’s not going to really make a difference of what time I wake up at. I better exit the room quietly or else Jessica will do something weird to me. I go down the ladder as quietly as possible, trying not to make it squeak. I heard Jessica move a bit and hoped that she wasn’t awake. I really didn’t want to deal with her and her extremely random (and stupid) confession.

I had much more things to worry about. Like why didn’t Dylan remember any of the tortuous things he did to me while I was sleeping? And why is my life so strange? I really wish I had I normal life. I tip toed over to the closet to grab a pair of clothes. The floor squeaked under my weight as I moved. I really wished it didn’t. I tried making my way to the door. I couldn’t really take it any more so I just walked normally towards the bathroom.

When I finished my business, I began to make my back to the room so I can finish reading Maximum Ride. I really didn’t like the thought of going back, but I really wanted to read. It’s all because of Jessica. Thanks a lot, woman! Her stupid confession is all I ever think about when I remember her. I truly believe she needs to find a boyfriend or something. That way her confession can go somewhere ELSE! I swung open the bedroom door, not paying attention to anything.

“Chantal-lee-poo!” Someone screamed. I swear I felt my heart literally jumped out of my mouth. I immediately slammed the door in Jessica’s face and held it shut.

Jessica is like a scary face that pops up at you when you’re watching a movie. Now I seriously don’t feel like going back inside. I’m afraid that she will attack me and start turning me into one of her personal monsters.

“Chantal open the door!” She continuously pounded on the door. I tried to think up a plan that can get me away from this mad woman, but unfortunately I couldn’t think of anything, so I just opened the door. Apparently when I opened the do Jessica tripped. I took that chance to jump in, get my book from the desk, and run out of the room like my life depended on it.

“Chantal! Come back!” She called, chasing after.

“Why? What do you want from me?” I say while slowing down a bit. I ran all the way down stairs and into the back where the garage and the back door leads to outside to the large backyard.

“I’m still….trying…to catch…my… breath…” She said between pauses.

“If you’re wondering about my answer to your random confession, then I still hate you.” I was going to add more to it but I decided not to.

“It’s not that, but awww… Anyways while you were sleeping, you kept mumbling about stuff.”

“What stuff?”

“I don’t know. I was too tired to pay attention. I kept zoning out about every five seconds,” She said. “Also Mrs. Adams said to be prepared because the visitor is coming in two hours.”

We had a stare down at each other for a while before I said “So that’s it? That’s all you came to tell me?”

“Yep that’s it!” She said while walking away. I couldn’t trust her so I waited until she turned the corner before I started to move.

“Boo!” Jessica shouted. In the process of me jumping back I hit my toe against the small stand that was leaning against the wall. Looks like today was the second time my heart decided to jump out of my mouth. I was in complete rage because of this! I hate being scared. Well...Only when I’m watching scary video I’m okay. She ran off leaving me to hold my toe in pain.

The next two hours were alright. I just stayed on my bunk and finished reading Maximum Ride. Then I went and played 100 floors until Mrs. Adams called us downstairs to see our new adopter (I guess you could call it that).

I walked back to our room in complete silence. Jessica was talking. A lot. She kept yakking on and on about how stupid the lady was for choosing Ryan and Desmond, two little seven year olds. I never really talked to them because I didn’t know what to talk about and they are annoying. Jessica’s arm slithered over my shoulder slowly. I immediately slapped it off because a) I still don’t like her and b) her comfort is not needed.

I’m not trying to be mean (or cranky), but I’m really not happy right now. Before I hopped into bed to zone out Jessica’s voice, I quickly brushed my teeth and changed into my nighties. The moment my head hit the pillow I remembered that Dylan still had to answer my questions.

When I was in complete deep sleep and entering the white room, I found it very strange. No one was there. Usually Mr. Shadow (Aka. Dylan) would be here waiting for me. I even poked at my shadow trying to see if Mr. Shadow was hiding there, but there was nothing. No form of movement, shadow, or object of any sort anywhere. So there I was. Standing in the middle of the empty room, looking like an idiot.

Comments & reviews · 2
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Milanimo
Review
Milanimo wrote a review Review · May 25, 2014

Hello!
I think this work sounds too casual. Writing as if you're speaking to someone can help you sound less uptight, but in this instance, it's just too casual. You need to try to sound less like a character and more like a narrator, which means more structure in your writing. Express the personality of the character through actions and dialogue and you won't need the informal writing.

"sooo" Like I said, it's unprofessional. You need to keep this to a simple "so".

"I’m sooo happy that I woke up calmly, but mad that I still woke up at five o’clock. It’s not going to really make a difference of what time I wake up at. I better exit the room quietly or else Jessica will do something weird to me. I go down the ladder as quietly as possible, trying not to make it squeak. I heard Jessica move a bit and hoped that she wasn’t awake. I really didn’t want to deal with her and her extremely random (and stupid) confession."

You need to check your tenses here. There's past and present tense and I'm not sure which one you are going for.

"And why is my life so strange? I really wish I had I normal life." This is unneeded. It's whiny and doesn't really help the character's personality. You want to sound like you are telling a story, not casually talking to your best friend.

"I really wished it didn’t." This is one of your first paragraphs and is really not necessary. You seem to have your character give their opinion on everything, which doesn't always have to be the case.

It seems that you have a problem with casual writing. You're going to need to sound more like a narrator and less like a person on the street. Tone down the opinions and stick to the story. I felt like there was more if what the character thought about certain things than what was actually happening. I got lost in you attempting to put the character's personality throughout what they thought. This can be done beautifully with "show don't tell" and through dialogue. Having the character sigh or groan is much better than saying "I hated this. Why did I have to do this?" It's not as whiny, and is also much less wordy. The reader can get more from this than you just blatantly saying what the character is thinking. Focus more on what's happening than what the character thinks about things.

Anyways, lecture over, great job! This story sounds very interesting. Keep writing!

ThereseCricket wrote a review Review · May 18, 2014

Hey there! Cricket here to review for you!

You know one thing I have noticed that you are really good at is the way you keep the story moving. And paragraphing!! You are probably one of the only people that I'm not going to nitpick for paragraphing. brr, that's like my pet nitpick with everyone!! Except you...WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME??!!! :p lol

But anyway,...your main character seems like a super person. I MEAN..I could relate to her just fine. She's quite the sarcastic girl. And it sounds like she knows how to take care of herself. Everyone always appreciates a strong character in a book. Gives them someone to root for eh?

And your style! BEAUTIFUL!! Absolutely stunning! Its solid, and you seem to maintain a easy flow throughout the entire work. Well done!

OK, so due to mostly everybody's bad example I shall go do some nitpicks. :p OK?

NITPICKS!!!!

sooo


OK, so I've never seen anybody stretch out their words when writing, so I would suggest something else. How about italics instead? Makes it seem neater and more official. :p

I’m sooo happy that I woke up calmly, but mad that I still woke up at five o’clock


Well this line I just caught a little bit of redundancy. You mention "woke up" twice.

I better


Sorry if some of these Nitpicks are dumb. But here I just saw a little typo. I should be I'd.

I’m sooo happy that I woke up calmly, but mad that I still woke up at five o’clock. It’s not going to really make a difference of what time I wake up at. I better exit the room quietly or else Jessica will do something weird to me. I go down the ladder as quietly as possible, trying not to make it squeak. I heard Jessica move a bit and hoped that she wasn’t awake. I really didn’t want to deal with her and her extremely random (and stupid) confession.


Sorry, for cutting out so much but here I just noticed something that is fairly common. You start every sentence except one~I think at least~starts with I. Try for a variety.

I really wish I had I normal life.


OMG, I'm so sorry for these dumb nitpicks! The third "I" in the sentence should be replaced with "a".

I truly believe she needs to find a boyfriend or something.


Sorry, to interrupt the nitpicking, BUT...This part I just about died. I just started laughing. Its hilarious!!!

the do


sigh* you just might have your fill of me and my dumb nitpicks. "Do" should be "Door".

between pauses.


Between pauses of...what?.... Maybe some clarification on this point?

before I said “So that’s it?


Comma after "said" is all.

me jumping back I


Take out the "me" and place a comma after "back".

“Yep that’s it!”


Comma after "Yep".

OK, that's everything I could find in pertaining to nitpicks!
Hope I helped you! Keep writing!



“Christmas won’t be Christmas without any presents!”
— Little Women