From dull to too much fun in one Night

"Damn it!"

I really try not to curse, but gosh, I just had to this time.

 

Because I wasn't paying attention to where the heck I was going, I stumbled in the middle of the school hallway, dropping everything that I carried in my arms.

 

As if that wasn't bad enough, some of the idiots walking the aforementioned hallway of Sullivan High paused to laugh at me.

 

I glared at them and they quickly scattered. Now let me tell you, I'm not the type of girl that makes people want to run and hide by just one measly look, but damn me if it hadn't been one of the worst days EVER.

 

"Teag, why is it that you're always falling?"

 

Those words were uttered with difficulty by the clichéd best friend, Rebekkah Williams. If she hadn't held her laughter in, I would have ended up choking her.

 

"Don't you think that if I knew, I would avoid it?," I said in my best I'm-so-pissed-off-you-don't-wanna-mess-with-me voice.

 

"Yeah, whatever. Let's get moving."

 

I wasn't going to argue. I probably wanted to disappear even more than her.

 

Oh, to have the power to do that.

 

-Sigh-

 

We moved through the hallways, I glaring daggers at some of the morons that still dared to laugh at me.

 

It didn't matter that if it had been someone else in my position, I would have laughed my ass off too.

 

Rebekkah and I went to the Calculus room, one of the many things I thought were useless in life.

 

The subject, not the room.

 

I survived by sleeping through the whole period, which was not a hard feat, considering I didn't go to sleep until 4 in the morning.

 

Anyhow, finally the end of the day.

 

We finished with the last step of our routine: Rebekkah driving us to my house.

 

We were just listening to music in my room when my twin brother entered my room without knocking.

 

"Dude, you gotta learn how to knock."

 

"But then you won't get pissed off, and where's the fun in that?" Kaden said with a huge grin.

 

"Hah, you're hilarious. Not. So, what do you really want?" I asked suspiciously.

 

"Can't I want to hang out with my little sister?" Kaden said as he sat down on the edge of my unmade bed. He smiled at Rebekkah.

 

"Hey Kaden," Rebekkah said, barely glancing at him. She went back to listening to her ipod.

 

"Kaden, you're younger than me by 5 minutes. And no, that's just not the way things go," I replied dryly.

 

"Well, okay, I DO want something," he said, hesitating.

 

"Spit it out, you dolt."

 

I'm definitely not the most patient person.

"I'm going to this party, so I need you to lie to mom. Tell her I went to sleep over at a friends house or something," He rushed out in one breath.

"I don't get it. Why don't YOU tell her that?"

I honestly don't get this kid sometimes.

"Because, you're the goody two shoes. She'll never believe it if I tell her."

He might as well have added 'Duh' at the end of that sentence.

"Ha, you're right. But if I do this, you do know that you owe me, riiight?"

I was so not going to let an opportunity like this one get away.

"Of course, when do I not? So, are you gonna go it?" Kaden looked at me, most likely hoping I would say yes.

 

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

He left my room without saying anything else.

"You could at least say thank you!" I yelled.

Some people are just so ungrateful.

"So what are you gonna be up to tonight?" Rebekkah was totally oblivious to what just went down.

 

"Oh well, you know, I was like, invited to thousands of parties, but I can only go to like, one," I said sarcastically.

"You obviously know I'm not gonna be doing anything other than staying at home and reading or watching Disney movies",

I added, pissed that she had reminded me of it.

"Don't cop an attitude with me, Teagan. So anyhoo, you know that party Kade's going to? Its gonna be at Ashlee Morrison's house.

You wanna go?"

"Since when do YOU go to parties, Rebekkah?"

 

Because as far as I was concerned, she never did.

 

"Well, I just thought, why not actually have some fun, ya know?"

 

"We have PLENTY of fun."

 

I wasn't gonna admit that what I do at home certainly was lacking in the fun factor.

 

She snorted.

 

"Psshtt, yeah, right. So what do you say?"

 

"Eh, I don't know. What about mom?"

 

I didn't wanna mess with her, especially if today was 'not her day'.

 

"You could just tell her that you're sleeping over at my house. It happens often enough,"

Rebekkah said.

 

Apparently she had all of it planned out.

  

"Alright, fine."

 

I said this reluctantly.

Rebekkah with an idea was not someone you wanted to mess with.

 

I didn't even want to imagine what would go down that night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Saphire and tnme22 for helping me with grammar and spelling mistakes.

Comments & reviews · 3
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I don't know why the lines are so separated.
Tried to fix it but couldn't.
Sorry about that.

If you notice anymore mistakes, PLEASE tell me =D

User avatar
Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review · Fri Aug 22, 2008 4:11 pm

XXacidicbeautyXX wrote:As if that wasn't bad enough, some of the idiots walking the afore mentioned hallway of Sullivan High paused to laugh at me.

Is that a typo? That doesn't sound right.

XXacidicbeautyXX wrote:Anyhow, finally, the end of the day.

Currently at my house, doing homework.

I don't really like this transition. I think it would sound better if you just made a break (like push Enter twice so you have a space) and then continue with something like, 'Rebekkah and I were at my house doing homework' only better than that...I just came up with that off the top of my head.

XXacidicbeautyXX wrote:We were just listening to music when my twin brother entered my room without knocking.

The reader could be confused by who 'we' are so always list who is the 'we' first and then once you establish that you can say 'we' to your hearts content.

Alright, so overall the story is good. I love the voice of Teagan. It is written very well. You give plenty of her thoughts and you can really get a feel for what she is like. I still don't know much about Rebekkah or Kaden so assuming your continuing this a little more about them would be nice.
Nice job, can't wait to read more :)

User avatar
Sapphire
Review

Hiya! I've picked out a few grammar points and so on:

XXacidicbeautyXX wrote:
As if that wasn't bad enough, some of the idiots walking the aforementioned hallway of Sullivan High paused to laugh at me.


Those words were uttered with difficulty ? by the clichéd best friend, Rebekkah Williams. If I didn't love her so much, I would have choked her at the moment.


Why 'with difficulty'?

I wasn't going to argue. I probably wanted to disappear even more than her. Oh, to have the power to do that.

[s]-Sigh-[/s]

We moved through the hallway, with me glaring daggers at some of the morons that still dared to laugh at me.


I don't think 'I glaring daggers' was correct, but I'm not sure if my suggestion is any better!

I survived by sleeping through the whole period, which was not a hard feat, considering I didn't go to sleep until four in the morning.

Anyhow, finally, the end of the day.

Currently at my house, doing homework.


Strange link makes it almost diary-style. How about:

Finally the bell rang and we went to my house to do homework.

Or something a bit less simple than that. :)

"Can't I want to hang out with my little sister?" Kaden said as he sat down on the edge of my [s]extremely[/s] unmade bed.


"I'm going to this party, so I need you to lie to mom. Tell her I went to sleep over at a friend's house or something," he rushed out in one breath.


"Because you're the goody two shoes. She'll never believe me if I tell her."



"Ha, you're right. But if I do this, you do know that you owe me, riiight?"
I was so not [s]gonna[/s] going to let an opportunity like this one get away.


'Gonna' is fine in speech but I'm not sure if it's a good idea to use it outside of speech marks, even in first person. It's your call.

"Oh well, you know, I was like, invited to thousands of parties, but I can only go to like, one," I said sarcastically. "You obviously know I'm not gonna be doing anything other than staying at home and reading or watching Disney movies," I added, pissed that she had reminded me of it.

"Don't cop an attitude with me, Teagan. So anyhoo, you know that party Kade's going to? Its gonna be at Ashlee Morrison's house. You wanna go?"


Edited line breaks.

"Alright, fine," I said, reluctantly.

I didn't even want to imagine what would go down that night.


Characters

Obviously there isn't much to go on just now, but here were my thoughts.

Teagan - she has a very real voice when narrating, although I'd like to see her subtly say more about surroundings.
Rebekkah - I can't work out whether she's supposed to be a bit quirky. A couple of lines ("Teag, why is it that you're always falling?" - is she being serious? - and 'Rebekkah was totally oblivious to what just went down') made me think she is supposed to be the... how to put it? Slightly daft best friend. Like Jas from the Louise Rennison books. I think her nature could be clarified a little.
Kaden - I'm not really sure about him yet! I guess he seems like a stereotypical little brother at the moment, although he's her twin.

Is this going to be a two-parter or a novel? Let me know if/when you post the rest!



Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.
— William James