Audray whips her head around to face me.
"That sounded like a person!" She exclaims. "We have to go help!"
"I'll call the police." I add as I dial.
"You do that then catch up with me. I'm going in." She says nonchalantly. I look at her dumbfounded.
"Wait! What if you-" I scream as she runs off into the woods. The call stops ringing, and a nice lady's voice greets me as my friend disappears into the unknown.
"911, what is your emergency?"
"My friend just ran into the forest! And we heard a scream before! Please, send someone!" I shout into the phone.
"Okay, miss, I understand that you're in a tough situation, but calm down. Can you give me a location. What forest? Are you on a path?" She responds, and I'm breathing so fast my lungs start to burn.
"Berkley forest, the path between Sylvia R. High and enclosed neighborhood Alciya Estates. It's near the rec center. Please, send someone!" I tell her. Why is this taking so long? She could be in danger!
"Can I get you and your friends name?" I try taking deep breaths before responding to try to calm my mind, but questions and anxiety runs rampant through my thoughts.
"Her name is Audray Vesera. Please, I'm not in any danger, please just come get her!" I plead into my phone, shaking my head. I can't believe it! Why is this taking so long?!
"Audray Vesera? Who is this, her parents? Babysitter? Please, give me your name. We need to have a full grasp of the situation." Her voice is surprised yet persistent. I can't believe I have to deal with this now.
"I'm her friend! Rennel Thomson. Please, send someone!" I'm infuriated. This is wasting time!
"Do you know where her bodyguards are?" She questions.
"She has bodyguards? Where are they supposed to be?" I say, angry. I know that sometimes she has people stationed to guard her path, but I don't know for sure. Shouldn't they have heard the scream? This shouldn't have happened.
"Okay, I'm sending a squad now. Stay put, we don't want anything happening to you, and stay on the phone with me until help gets there." Finally! Hopefully they'll come quick. My heartbeat calms.
"Thank you so much!" I sigh in relief. My breathing calms down. Help is on the way. Everything will turn out fine. Just fine.
Leaves crinkle in the distance. Is it Audray? Oh, please let her be safe. Maybe it was just a bird. It's just a simple noise. Nothing's wrong. It happens all the time.
"Finally I can make some progress. Those two humans took up way too much time." I hear off in the forest, echoing through the woods. That's not Audray... It sounds familiar though. I hold my breath and stand still against a nearby tree, hugging it as if it was my raft in this vast sea of terrifying possibilities.
"Someone's here. I heard their voice." I whisper into my phone.
"Stay calm. Can you see them? Do they have any weapons?"
The footsteps draw closer. I'm shaking. I turn to see the impossible. Red hair whips through the air as turquoise eyes catch me, like a hawk finding it's prey. My body freezes.
"It's him. I can't believe it. I-It's the man from the video. The ," I breathe, not believing what I'm about to say. "The alien."
Of all the forests of all the areas it had to be here. It had to be that direction he was heading. It had to be here. It had to be her. Why was she first? It should have been me. I should have stopped her. I'm so stupid!
"Ma'am? Is this true? Help's on the way try to stay on the phone. Can you describe-" But then I can't hear anything, my hand suddenly open and my phone falling to the ground. I turn to see that the man has grabbed my arm. I can't do anything. Should I even do anything? My tether to sanity is ripped to shreds.
His grip lessens as he slowly turns my body so I only see him in the corner of my vision. He's exposing my neck. That's what he's doing. I shake as he leans in, expecting the pain, though it doesn't come yet.
"I suggest you don't resist." I hear, so close I feel his breath on my skin. I should just listen, it'll be easier if I give up. But... what if I can? Audray would want me to resist. She's always encouraging me to stand up for myself. But how?
Not thinking, I run, yanking my arm forcefully from his grasp. He looks surprised for a second before my head twists to find an escape route. But then I'm falling. Sliding through to leaves and dirt of the slope, crashing into bushes and saplings. I can hear him behind me. This was a mistake. He's going to catch up. I shouldn't have done this.
I try to stand up, but gravity pulls me towards the bottom of the valley. I can't escape. I'm corned. What would Audray do? My eyes look for an escape. The trees are to small and too far to grab. My only hope lies at the bottom as an old oak tree. I could stop my fall, stand up, and try to run. That would work. I can do it.
But those seconds blur, too fast for me to even finish thinking. My arm smashes against the trunk, my body coming to a forceful stop against the mass of bark and wood. My body feels bruised. Stumbling to my feet, I wander through the forest. I can't see. My vision is blurry and my body shakes with every step.
I blink. Things start to refocus, but I wish they didn't. Audray lies on the forest floor, eyes closed. I gasp and walk forward to touch her chest. She's still breathing, and I can feel her heartbeat. I look to see a man lying near her, wearing a thick black vest with an earpiece. Was he her bodyguard? Did he not protect her? But then... who screamed first? Did he really take down a trained adult man? Questions swim through my head, and I feel like I'm barely staying above the waves.
"You're very persistent for a human." I turn to see the man, even more terrifying as he towers over me among his victims. He looks just like in the video, with his turquoise eyes and that strange strange swirling design, looking even more alive in person. His hair is messier, and his armor has been replaced with attire better suited to travel, still plated, but more form fitting.
"S-stay away from me!" I stutter, backing away from him. My breath is ragged.
"You're so unlike the other two I found here. The first tried to subdue me. The other one did the same, but was smaller. Somehow they weren't that much easier to subdue. I wonder why you're here with them." They walk towards me, their expression cold. I can't take it. Tears spill over along with words.
"Why are you doing this? What do you want? What's this dumb conduit? Why are you hurting people? Why her, why me!" I cry out, shaking as he suddenly stops, his expression turning serious.
"How do you know what a conduit is? I don't remember giving you the declaration." He narrows his eyes. I quake in fear. Why is he upset? I messed up. He's going to kill me. "I asked you a question!" He shouts authoritatively. I pant as I walk backwards into a tree as he draws closer.
He stands above me menacingly, and I cower, sinking down to the ground. He grabs my shoulder and starts squeezing. I cry out in pain. Why me? What did I do?
"I'm going to ask you again, how do you know about conduits?" He questions. I seethe in pain, my face stinging from tears.
"I- s-saw a video. You talked about conduits an-aguh!" I hiss in pain, shaking. Why is he doing this?
"Do you know what a conduit is? Has anyone found out?!" He commands. I shake my head in confusion. This is too much.
"I don't know! Please, let me go!" I confess. He lets go of my shoulder, but he quickly grabs my neck, pushing me down into a kneeling position. Oh god.
"Well, you should know I can't do that. I have to search you." He jeers. I feels something cold on my neck, it spreads over it like a blanket of ice. I know what's coming. That's the worse thing. Anticipating it. I'm going to die. I failed. I can't take the pain. I'm going to die. I close my eyes, as if doing that will wake me up from this terrible nightmare.
I feel the pressure of the pins coming down, sinking into my skin, into my neck, into my flesh, into my soul. It's terrifying. But I'm not dying. I'm not in pain. I open my eyes. For a brief second, I'm floating. Outside my body. Outside this world. I see colors and lights dancing in impossibly perfect fractals. I reach out, and my hand is transparent, like glass. I can feel infinity in the palm of my hand, yet it weighs nothing. Is this death? I blink, expecting darkness and oblivion, but then everything collapses back into reality.
The ground crawls with ants, leaves decorate it like sprinkles, and small bits of grass poke through the brown dirt. I reach down to feel the dirt. My hand is solid. The ground is stable underneath me. Things have weight, my body is pulled toward the center of mass. Everything is as it should be. But where was I before? Was I unconscious? Maybe I passed out.
"Wh-what was that? What happened?" I look around dazed, expecting to find myself in a dream. I push myself up and turn around, only to fall back down. He's still here?
"You seem surprised. Have you never seen the Apieroplane before? Most conduits see glimpses of it occasionally." He remarks as he brushes some dirt off his clothes, completely calm. What's with him? Apieroplane? And he talked to me like... I was a...
I reach for the back of my neck, my hand parting through hair to find cold metal instead of warm skin. I trace the metal to a place where it inters my neck, seamless, no blood. I move my head and feel something in my neck moving, bending along with my neck. It's inside of me. Why didn't it fall off? Why is it still there?
"What did you do to me?" I pant in shock as my breathing fluctuates and my heart slows down. He looks down at me and smiles.
"You can't figure it out?" He kneels down to face me eye to eye. "You are my conduit."
End of chapter
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
You don’t need the “I nod in agreement. They need help.” – this is said better by the next line of dialogue.
You don’t need “as if she isn't going to be running right into a forest full of possible dangers” – you’re basically just explaining what the word nonchalantly means. It’s clear from context what is meant by this word.
I advise avoiding descriptions involving heart rates skyrocketing etc. It normally always comes across as melodramatic. Most people can relate or at least imagine what it would be like to experience this sort of situation. Also, you are already doing a good job showing how frantic the situation is just by the dialogue alone.
No need for “in desperation” – already clear by context.
“Freaking out” isn’t something a police operator would ever say, like ever. There are a lot of examples of real emergency calls on YouTube, please listen to them.
See, this is the problem with melodramatic descriptions. You end up having to try and top the last statement, to the point where it becomes very unrealistic.
“Recite” isn’t a good word for this tag.
Careful. This characterisation comes across as bored/sarcastic, rather than the frantic, worried tone you were setting previously.
*now.
And again, not realistic speech for an emergency operator.
This entire phone call lasted way too long, wasn’t interesting and did not add anything vital to the story.
This introspection is pretty much accurate in that, it is realistic to think these things. The issue is that there is nothing unique or interesting about your protag’s prospective. It’s very two-dimensional. What does your protag feel about this situation that makes it interesting to read about? Why should we be seeing the world through this character’s eyes rather than anyone else’s?
Unrealistic 180 here. Nobody goes from being so panicked they aren’t breathing to being so chill.
Screech is the wrong word. A screech is high-pitched and obnoxious. The most you’ll get out of leaves is a crispy, crunchy sound if they are dry.
This is cliché. It’s the same as “It’s quiet. Too quiet.”
This was decent imagery. I felt the protag’s hopelessness, but also the fact that there are unlimited dangers out there, not just the standard things you would expect.
No need to start asking these questions again. The story hasn’t been driven forward to a point where it’s worth mentioning this again.
What justifies this conclusion? Somebody walking over leaves?
Why is your protag speaking out loud in this situation?
This is completely contradictory. A pounding heart is not a stopped heart. And again, this is melodramatic.
*Breathe
Again, another conclusion made with no evidence to support. He? Searching? How is this known!?
*Too
Avoid repetition of phrases (“the trunk”) – makes your sentences clunky to read. Also, same with rhyming words (“smash/crash”)
“like a ghost” makes your description here vaguer. When using a simile, your comparison should be to something that enhances your reader’s understanding or adds a unique perspective to something that already has a universal definition. Ghosts are a concept that differs depending on who you ask.
Everyone knows ants are tiny.
Overall, I think this story is suffering mostly due to being written in first person. You are falling into a lot of the usual pitfalls writers struggle with when writing in this perspective, such as overuse of sentences that start with “I + verb” structures and melodramatic descriptions.
I really dislike the protagonist, because they do not have a unique perspective / interesting voice. Your protag needs to be the only person who could have been the protag of your story. I don’t mean their background or the part they play in the story, it’s the way they react in the story that has to set them apart.
If you’re set on keeping this in first person, I suggest working a lot on the introspection. A lot of it is a quick repetition of the same questions and the phrase “oh god”, which is extremely annoying to read. Ask yourself, why would anyone root of this character, or want them to succeed? Is there anything about the way they see the world or react to situations, that makes them unique? If the answer is no, then they are not the protag of your story or need to be reworked until they deserve to be.
I think you also include a lot of content that is unnecessary. Let’s break down what has actually happened here. A side character has gone missing. The protag called the police. The protag was chased through the forest. An antagonist enters the scene and reveals that the protag is his conduit. How much of this is vital to the story? Which parts drove the story forward or served a purpose that would ruin the story if not included?
Bearing in mind I haven’t read the previous parts, I found the concept at the end interesting, particularly the reveal about being a conduit. This was good because you raised a question that readers will want to know the answer to. I certainly do!
-Zoom
Thanks for the review! I'll go through and change some of the melodramatic parts, as well as the other things you noted. Also, I'd recommend reading the first part since a lot of things become clearer with context. Thanks for the review!
I finished with the edits, what's your opinion?
Thanks so much for the review! I went through and changed some things, and made it so that the 911 call doesn't hang up and end in a more, let's say, shocking way. Tell me what you think!