Published December 12, 2004
Can you hear me now
I have nothing left to lose
I'm naked and broken
my scars shinning in the moonlight
I'm so tired of fighting each day
just to see you walk past me
to smell you as you walk away
I don't want to feel like this
Every day becoming an on going battle
I begin to picture your hand in mine
our bodies close again
but I know it can never be
I just want to hear one last time
your sweet words the lies
I want to die beleiving it again
I don't want to die alone like Ia m
My last breathes not craddled in love
only the loneliness you left behind...
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Sorry not great I know but I just thought I would whip it up 
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Ahhh, this is so good! Beautiful!
Hey there.
I see the past reviewer started to go a bit into the wording and how you have some obvious typos. No trouble with those, since I can see how the words could get easily confused.
If I mentally fix those though, I'm still having some issues with the wording because it switches between very stiff and then quickly back to being fluid.
This section is one of the many that bothers me because the words just stick together, rather than having a flowing motion. And especially how this is the end stanza, it should leave the reader with more of a feeling than the awkwardness they encounter here.
That's actually an overall issue that I'm having with the poem. I'm not really feeling anything but I can see how you tried to push the emotion into this piece. I can also see how this does have some elements of relatability because the topic is in that generalized realm of mental health. And then that farther generalized issue of romance or really the abandonment that comes with certain relationships.
The topic is heavy, it's just not expressed clearly to the reader.
In a more technical sense of the flow, you need to include more punctuation than you have currently. I know there's many issues with grammar usage in poetry because so many people believe that it's not at all needed.
I however, feel differently.
The first line is supposed to be asking a question but it lacks the question mark that would give strength to the audience.
There's line breaks but they're awkward and a physical comma or period to stop the reader, is really needed to have an effect.
So I think your main issue is:
- lack of punctuation
- inconsistency in the wording
--> which then causes inconsistent tone
That's all.
Happy Revmo.
- lizz
Thank you muchously
I just write how I feel never really any good but the words mean stuff to me, my thoughts written down.
muchous love wu
i really loved it probably cus i relate to it so much but still i really liked:
I'm so tired of fighting each day
just to see you walk past me
to smell you as you walk away
I don't want to feel like this
very nice, keep it up
There are some grammatical issues you need to fix. For instance, "shinning" should be "shining" and "craddled" should be "cradled."
You also need to add in some commas; it just doesn't read right otherwise. For example, "your sweet words the lies" would be better with a comma in between "words" and "the."
The tone, though, you got exactly right. Your choice of words is excellent and you really bring the character alive. Overall, nice job.