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What I Don't Know: Introduction

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    The soothing sound of the rain hitting against his window wakes the hero up, a warm sensation tingling at the tip of his toes. A small smile creeps upon his lips, for he had always loved the rain, ever since he was just a little boy. Memories of…of-

    He furrows his eyebrows, deep in thought with his eyes remaining closed. Memories of what? His heart begins to race. He racks his brain for anything, anything at all that he can somehow manage to grasp. His name? Brennan, and his age? Eighteen, I think. The basics he can seem to remember, but… nothing else. His throat begins to close up on him, the impression of many fingers wrapped around his neck dances in his mind. It would be better than this, he thinks to himself, anything would be better than forgetting your own past. He shakes his head, refusing to give in to the fact that he can’t remember.

    “Are you alright there, lad?” A voice echoes, scaring him half to death. He finally opens his eyes to realize that he isn’t in his bed. In fact, he isn’t even in his own home. The walls around him are made of stone; the ground made of cold, hard cement. Rain pours down on him from a window of bars across the small room, soaking him from head to toe.

    “Where the he-“

    “Hey! Ye best be careful about what you say next, boy.” The man lectures, the rattling of chains following. “My daughter is in the next cell, and if you get her cussing, so help me-“

    “Where am I?” He interrupts, not having the patience to listen to this stranger’s rant. The corner of the stranger’s lip curls up into a crooked smile, showing off his yellow stained teeth.

     “Can’t ye tell? You’re in a cell.” Brennan rolls his eyes, balling his fists up in frustration.

    “I know that, but where at?” The man bellows out a smoker’s strangled laugh, before falling into a hysteria of coughing fits. His eyes turn bloodshot from the strain, before finally catching a breath of relief.

    “You mean, you seriously can’t remember?” Brennan shakes his head, no. “You’re being held captive in Keld, one of the biggest villages in Tala.”

    Upon hearing this man’s words, he can feel his heart threatening to jump out of his chest. He can’t be- Keld? Keld has been said to be one of the worst places to be held as prisoner, in fact, it’s one of the most crowded. Everyone is warned as a child of the dangers Keld contains, but not a lot of them believe it; unless they have actually been there. That is one thing that Brennen remembers for sure.

    “But, how? What did I do?” He questions, trying to find an answer in his head. The stranger just shrugs.

    “That, I can’t tell you. I wasn’t there when it happened. Although… never mind.” He dismisses with a slight flick of his hand, trying to avoid Brennan’s demanding glare.

    “Tell me.”

    “You could always escape. Ye know, so you can backtrack as far as you can remember.” The answer seems so simple to him, but how he would actually be able to do it draws a blank.

    “Would that work? How would I even get out, I’m tied to the wall.” The stranger reveals a nasty smile once again, easily peeling off the cuffs from around his own wrists. Confused, Brennan eyes him up and down, trying to figure out how he did it. The man then shows him a key he was hiding on a necklace around his neck.

    “You-you could have left this whole time…”

    “And, I didn’t. I didn’t want to raise any suspicion. It’s not my first time being here.” Brennan gives him a questioning look.

    “I was brought here before. The main guard told me that if I were to escape again, then he’d have my family killed in shame as punishment.” He explains as he sticks the key into the first cuff. His breath wafts over Brennan’s nose, the smell of smoke causing a lump to form in his throat.

    “And that’s why they brought your family with you this time.” Brennan manages to cough out, his nose scrunched as he pieces the man’s story together. The man nods, sticking the key into the second cuff.                                                                                                                                  “That doesn’t explain how you got the key.” Upon the freedom of his soar wrists, Brennan rubs each one as blood flows back into his wrists again. All of a sudden, a fuzzy rodent crawls onto the shoulders of the stranger, resting its long body along the back of his neck. He gently pats its head with compassion, as if he was praising a beloved dog.

    “Finley, here, retrieved it for me. He’s more intelligent than some would think.” He introduces with a wink. He throws him the key before going back into his own spot, re-cuffing his wrists to the wall. Brennan still doesn’t quite understand why the man doesn’t just leave, family or not, but he finds that it’s best not to question someone who’s helping you.

    “Thank you, I promise that I’ll come back to help you some day; as soon as I can.” He promises with a salute, leaving him with a nod as he quietly slips the key in with a turn. The door clicks, and gives off a gentle squeal as it opens.

    “Good luck with that.” The man chuckles as he watches him leave, a dark glint in his eyes.

Comments & reviews · 8
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Hi! :D
I loved it! You've got my attention on the first chapter, which I know is a hard thing to do. I love how you call Brennan "the hero" in your first sentence. It made me curious as to who this hero was and why he's being called a hero. It also immediately defines part of his character; first sentence in, and I can already relate to him with heroic traits like nobility, bravery, goodness, kindness, etc.
Good job! Looking forward to more! :)

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kevin25a
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Loved it. :)

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it! (:])

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Hattable
Review

This was great! The title, description, and finally story were all incredibly interesting. I also love the way you write, though there were a few mistakes.
The first of which I will address here :P

His name? Brennan, and his age? Eighteen, I think

Here you wrote the reply in first person, as opposed to the third person of the rest of the story. I assume that it's probably due to the fact that it's the character himself thinking this, and if this is the case I suggest italicizing "Brennan" and "Eighteen, I think".
Another mistake:
Upon the freedom of his soar wrists, Brennan rubs each one as blood flows back into his wrists again.

The "soar" should be replaced with "sore". Sore is to be in pain like when you're bruised, whereas soar is to glide or fly like a bird.
Finally:
He throws him the key before going back into his own spot

I understand this as the man throwing the keys to Brennan but it could use some more clarification. Perhaps "The man throws the key to Brennan before going back to his own spot"?

All-in-all a great story and I encourage you to continue it. I'll definitely be reading more if you expand on it.

Great job.
Keep writing.

-Jules

Thank you, I'm glad you found it interesting!
I'm glad you pointed that out, about the first quote, because I wouldn't have found it if you hadn't! I get what you're saying, I think italicizing would work in this case.
Yeah, I called myself out about the soar and sore haha!

I just caught my own mistake! Edge, it's 'sore', not 'soar'.
Sore means it hurts, soar means to fly. They're completely different words. Duh.

I've was stuck on that line for quite a while, just trying to figure out how to make it sound clearer, so thank you for figuring it out for me!
Thank you for your review, Jules! I'm glad you liked it! I am in fact continuing it, no worries. :D

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Odd
Review
Odd wrote a review · Wed Mar 25, 2015 1:18 am

Here to review.

This is a very good introduction. Already we can sense the danger, the trap that the main character is most likely getting into. This, especially, is maybe one of the most important lines in your passage:

a dark glint in his eyes.

If you hadn't said this, we probably wouldn't suspect anything, and we wouldn't be drawn to the story as much. However, this has hooked your reader, and they are hungry for more. Good job on that. On top of that, you have already introduced the character and (mostly because of his memory loss) we already have a lot of questions, What could he have possibly done to end up in such a place?

However, there are a couple of things that you could change to improve this.
Firstly, whenever the same character is speaking, there's no need to make a new paragraph. For example, the following passage should look something like this, without the change of paragraph:
“That doesn’t explain how you got the key.” Upon the freedom of his soar wrists, he rubs each one as blood flows back into his wrists again. All of a sudden, a fuzzy rodent crawls onto the shoulders of the stranger, resting its long body along the back of his neck. He gently pats its head with compassion, as if he was praising a beloved dog. “Finley, here, retrieved it for me. He’s more intelligent than some would think.”


The spelling, vocabulary, and syntax seem to be flawless, I saw no mistakes.

There is, however, one other thing that bothers me. There is a book, by Rick Riordan, called The Lost Hero, and it starts off by a hero who has lost his memory, can only remember his name and age, and is in a place he does not know. That can lead people (including me) to think at first that this is some sort of fanfiction, and when we find out it isn't, we might think that you are stealing the idea. I'm not saying you should change it or anything, and it's not the only two stories where the character loses his memory, but the title and situation seem a little more than a coincidence.

Otherwise, good job with this beginning, it was very good. I'm waiting to see how this story unfolds.
Keep writing,
Odd

First off, Thank you for such a long review! Thank you especially for pointing out the end and the beginning, for I have the most trouble with writing those parts; I'm glad it turned out all right.
With the title, I agree that I do have to change it. I've never read any of Ricky Riordan's books, as much as I have wanted to, but it worries me just by the fact that they seem so similar! I kind of just called it Lost Hero from lack of a better title, and because of what the main themes seem to be as far as I had thought of for this story. Thank you so much for pointing that out!

You're very welcome. And the book is part of the sequel series of the Percy Jackson books, which you may have heard of, and which are also extremely good, I would recommend them if you're into that kind of books.

I have always wanted to read that series, I'm definitely going to have to check it out.

You should! It's really good.

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WrittenEdge
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I just caught my own mistake! Edge, it's 'sore', not 'soar'.
Sore means it hurts, soar means to fly. They're completely different words. Duh.

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I loved your story it was fantastic! I am not sure what I liked most about it maybe just the plot and characters so far, but it was great.

The only thing I was consider is that the point of view the the story is being told from seems changes sometimes, it might just be me though.

Please write more, I loved it!

Thank you, it makes me happy that it's such a hard choice! I value Characters and plot more than the stories themselves, so I understand.
It definitely isn't just you, I tend to change the point of view A LOT! That's one reason I uploaded it on here before printing it out, so nice catch!
Again, thanks for the help, and even just reading it! I will definitely write more, I'm interested in where this'll go myself! :D

This sounds really interesting, can't wait to read more! You write really well, I couldn't find any specific grammatical or punctuation errors so keep up the good work. :)

This sounds really interesting, can't wait to read more! You write really well, I couldn't find any specific grammatical or punctuation errors so keep up the good work. :)

Thank you very much, I'm glad you liked it! :D



i could be a morning person if morning happened around noon.
— Fern