Quiet whispers echo through the stone hallways, their disfigured shadows dancing like fire. Confused and excited, they watch with hungry eyes as they watch one of their own try to escape. Mothers hold their children’s mouths shut to keep them quiet, and men practically claw at the open air beyond the bars.
“You won’t escape- you can’t.” A voice barks in a whisper as Brennan inches his way down the corridor.
“Take me with you, please!” Another cries. He manages to look past the people and into their cells, the malnourished laying still in their makeshift beds. Whether they’re alive or not, Brennan dares not assume. The smell of decaying flesh burns his nose, and causes his eyes to water. I have to get out, he encourages himself. There is no way I’m going to die in this horrid place. Yet, the exit seems so far, the ground stretching out past several more cells. Without warning, a burly man snatches Brennan’s leather vest, bunching it up in his fist as he lurches him closer.
“Listen to me, hero. You got us into this mess, you better get us out of it.” He growls. His large nose scrunches up, baring his surprisingly white teeth. Brennan’s eyes widen in fear, his heart threatening to pounce out of his chest. He shakes his head, his shoulder length hair tickling the back of his neck. He holds his hands out in surrender, trying to keep himself as far away as the man’s grip allows him.
“I don’t remember what I did, I swear.”
“It doesn’t matter if you remember or not, you did it! So, fix it.” The man shoves Brennan back as he lets go, his head just barely missing the bars of the cell across. He can’t seem to move for a moment, thoughts overflowing in his mind. He looks back at all of the people he had left behind, all of them still desperately wishing to escape. He then notices how all of them look the same; raven black hair, bright heavenly blue eyes, and misshapen noses.
“Are all of you family?” He wonders, finally getting back on his feet. A woman from the cell across nods her head in response.
“All 18 of us.” His eyes widen in surprise, trying to figure out how that is even possible. She chuckles a little at his reaction, getting a little closer to the bars.“We’re cousins, step-siblings, aunts, uncles…mothers.” She gently rubs her overgrown belly with a smile, looking at the man that had grabbed him earlier. Brennan’s heart sinks, disbelief bubbling up in his stomach. To him, she looks like she could give birth any day now, and the baby would see its first light of day in a dank cell.
“That’s horrible- I mean, not the whole family thing. It’s just that this isn’t a place to raise a baby.”
“That’s why we need your help, Hero. We want to get out of here just as much as you do; if not, more.” The man points out, pulling his wife into an embrace. Brennan notices tears beginning to fall down her cheeks, yet she still tries to keep a smile on her face. He can’t help but to find her admirable, especially in a situation like this.
“I will get you out of here, I promise.”
“Sure, it’s what we want, but don’t go making promises that you can’t keep.” An elderly man pipes up from a cell behind Brennan, his eyes bloodshot with bags underneath.
“I will, I am going to get you all out of here as soon as I can.” Before anyone else can say anything about the matter, he darts through the hallway and out the last door.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Hello, WrittenEdge! I'm sorry to say I haven't read your prologue yet, so I'm somewhat confused, but I'll get to that after reviewing this. This story seems pretty interesting so far. It seems to have a rather horror-genre feel to it, though I'm not sure if you were aiming for that. If it is what you were going for, I would recommend giving more imagery. Imagery will keep the reader more engaged in the story and keep the reader focused. The more description is used, the more the reader is allured into the story and feels like they are there.
I also suggest that you might want to have a lot of character development for this type of story. I get the feeling the character did something they will deeply regret, and I hope Brennan has a large, widespread character background and story that I do not yet know about. Another thing I found odd was that they referred to Brennan as "Hero," though he apparently has done the opposite in the past. If he hasn't done anything heroic yet, then why are they calling him "Hero?" Do they believe that he's going to save them, even though he has a doubtful background? I would recommend making sure that you have your plot planned completely before just writing stuff, but for all I know, you have everything plotted out already.
Just a few pointers and tips, I hoped this helped! ~Prez. T
Hello there! cleverclogs here for a Review Day review!
Wow. This was impressive. It was suspenseful, entertaining, mysterious, and above all, it leaves me wanting more. You definitely have a good handle on the age-old rule of "show, don't tell," because I can tell a lot about the characters from what you show us. For instance, telling us that the elderly man has bloodshot eyes with bags underneath shows that he's tired, and tells a lot about the condition of the jail. I definitely want to find out more about Brennan, the family, and prison, so this is a very good prologue. I have a few small suggestions:
I wouldn't use the word "pounce" here. It reminds me a mountain lion stalking its prey, which isn't really what Brennan's heart is doing.
I noticed that a lot of your sentences are structured similarly. "Brennan's eyes widen in fear, his heart threatening to pounce out of his chest. He shakes his head, his shoulder length hair tickling the back of his neck." "The man shoves Brennan back as he lets go, his head just barely missing the bars of the cell across." I would suggest mixing it up a bit by phrasing some of these thoughts differently, so it doesn't get too repetitive.
My only other suggestion would be to make it just a bit longer. It's a very short prologue. Maybe you could give just a bit more backstory, a bit more description so it doesn't pass quite so fast. Other than that, this is truly well done. Like the previous reviewer, I have so many questions, and I look forward to the next part. Keep up the great work!
Thank you, I'm glad you liked it!
"Show, don't tell" is a big rule of mine, so I'm glad that I am getting better at it.
Your right, that would make more sense.
Yeah, I've kind of noticed the repetitive sentences as well. I will definitely have to fix those.
This is actually the second chapter/part of the main story; the first one is just called 'What I Don't Know- Introduction'. Although, it stils does seem a little too short.
Thank you for reading, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Yikes. O_O. What a story, WrittenEdge.
You are a master at composing this story, and I am impressed by what you have created. The story has a lot of intrigue and mystery in it, and leaves me curious as to the background of Brennan. Somewhere along the way, he did something, and now all these people are suffering in the jail. What did he do, I wonder? Why has his memory vanished, and what will happen as he escapes? I like how the story presents a lot of questions and engages the reader - it makes the story all the more exciting, and the reader is left wanting to know more and hoping Brennan escapes. This is a vibrant, vivid story, and your character descriptions and plotlines are amazing. In particular, I really enjoy the first paragraph:
"Quiet whispers echo through the stone hallways, their disfigured shadows dancing like fire. Confused and excited, they watch with hungry eyes as they watch one of their own try to escape. Mothers hold their children’s mouths shut to keep them quiet, and men practically claw at the open air beyond the bars."
This opening to the story is wonderful, and begins your story on an epic high note that persists through the rest of the opening chapter. I am fascinated by the family that is living in the area, and it makes me sad seeing this mother who is about ready to give birth to a child whose first memories may be being stuck in a damp cell. Her hope and that of her family makes me want to smile, and the descriptions that you provide of the various emotions and feelings in this story are amazing. We see this people suffering, some of them dying, in these cells, and the one person who is trying to escape. There is sadness, rot, fear, joy - I'm blown away. O_O The story is emotional, exciting, and chilling, and your character development is stellar. Who is Brennan? Will he be able to keep his promise? Will his hope and aspirations lead everyone to victory? All in all, WrittenEdge, this is incredible, and I look forward to seeing the next chapter of your novel. You are amazing.
Your review seriously made my day! I am so glad you liked it, thank you for reading!
You have got a good plot going on here. You can keep this story interesting if you gradually introduce the background or else the readers will get confused.
Overall its well written.
Have you read the introduction to this story? It explains a lot more in it. Thank you for reading!