He dashed into the house breaking down the door. He pointed his gun at Maria. Maria is all alone at her house, she screams in terror.
"Shut up, girl! Stay quiet and let me get what I need, and maybe I won't kill you!" the man said. Maria dashed to the phone and picked it up. The man shot the phone, Maria dropped it screaming.
"I said be quiet!" the man ran towards her. Maria ran into the bathroom and locked the door. The man pulled on the door knob, "Let me in!'
"NO!" Maria cried. The man kicked open the door. He was very strong. Maria looked at him helplessly.
"Please, don't hurt me!" Maria pleaded.
"I'm not gonna hurt you," the man replied calmly, reaching out he broke the mirror sending glass shards all over the room, "I'm going to kill you!" The man pointed the gun at her, "Any last words?"
"Please, no!" Bang! Bang! Bang! Maria fell backwards into the shower. She had tears in her eyes as blood flowed from her chest. The man turned on the shower allowing blood to go down the drain. The man then walked out of the room and grabbed her wallet, and the things he came there for and left.
Epilouge for a short short story
Maria's body was found two hours later by her friend. The murderer was found more than 500 miles away from the house about a week later.
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Canary word: Present
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He dashed into the house, breaking down the door. He pointed his gun at Maria. Maria is all alone at her house, she screams in terror.
"Shut up, girl! Stay quiet and let me get what I need, and maybe I won't kill you!" the man said.
Maria dashed to the phone and picked it up. The man shot the phone, Maria dropped it screaming.
"I said be quiet!" the man ran towards her.
Maria ran into the bathroom and locked the door. The man pulled on the door knob, "Let me in!'
"NO!" Maria cried.
The man kicked open the door. He was very strong. Maria looked at him helplessly.
"Please, don't hurt me!" Maria pleaded.
"I'm not gonna hurt you," the man replied calmly, reaching out he broke the mirror sending glass shards all over the room, "I'm going to kill you!" The man pointed the gun at her, "Any last words?"
"Please, no!"
Bang! Bang! Bang! Maria fell backwards into the shower. She had tears in her eyes as blood flowed from her chest. The man turned on the shower, allowing blood to go down the drain. The man then walked out of the room and grabbed her wallet, and the things he came there for and left.
Epilouge for a short short story
Maria's body was found two hours later by her friend. The murderer was found more than 500 miles away from the house about a week later
Did some minor editing here and there
He dashed into the house, breaking down the door. He pointed his gun at Maria. Maria is all alone at her house, she screams in terror.
"Shut up, girl! Stay quiet and let me get what I need, and maybe I won't kill you!" the man said.
Maria dashed to the phone and picked it up. The man shot the phone, Maria dropped it screaming.
"I said be quiet!" the man ran towards her.
Maria ran into the bathroom and locked the door. The man pulled on the door knob, "Let me in!'
"NO!" Maria cried.
The man kicked open the door. He was very strong. Maria looked at him helplessly.
"Please, don't hurt me!" Maria pleaded.
"I'm not gonna hurt you," the man replied calmly, reaching out he broke the mirror sending glass shards all over the room, "I'm going to kill you!" The man pointed the gun at her, "Any last words?"
"Please, no!"
Bang! Bang! Bang! Maria fell backwards into the shower. She had tears in her eyes as blood flowed from her chest. The man turned on the shower, allowing blood to go down the drain. The man then walked out of the room and grabbed her wallet, and the things he came there for and left.
Epilouge for a short short story
Maria's body was found two hours later by her friend. The murderer was found more than 500 miles away from the house about a week later
Did some minor editing here and there
hey.
I see that you have some grammatical mistakes here.
and
Compare the two and you will notice you switched tenses. Your going to have to go back and correct it and choose which tense to stick to. It makes the flow of the story smoother.
I like how things are happening. You got down so much in so few lines. I think you could add more information as to why he came to the house ormaybe explain how Maria tried to escape and also what she did. Right now it seems a little rushed. The information would help readers really picture whats going on and have a greater effect on us.
The character of the shooter was well done. I like how he said he wouldn't hurt her then added he would kill her. Maybe add some more info about him.
You ended it too soon. How did they find the murderer how did her friend react to the dead body? Also why did he kill Maria?
these questions are still unanswered.
Hey there, LUV.
So, you have a pretty dramatic scene going on here, but it's very short. The first, and main, suggestion I have for this piece involves making it longer. To make it longer, without just adding needless babble, what you can do is expand on the things that happen. Perhaps you could write down the key things that are happening in this, and then with each of those things write down how Maria is feeling, what little things she's doing that relate to that - perhaps when she locks the door, she has to scrabble at the key for a moment in her panic, for example. Once you've got down this kind of list, you could work on stringing those things together in a way that draws the reader through the story.
I'd also like to talk about unneccessary details. It's important to have a certain level of detail in a story, but you have to pick the right ones. For example, in this scene, we don't really need to know that Maria is 20. But we might like to know what she was doing when the man burst in - was she holding something? Did she drop it? Was she sitting down, so she had to leap out of her seat? And so on.
Finally, it seems a little strange that a man would break into a house and murder someone just for their credit cards. Criminals tend to take the easy route if they're just looking for cash. Is there something in this house that makes killing Maria worth it? Perhaps she owns something very valuable to the man?
These are just some suggestions - I hope they help! Please feel free to message me if you have any questions about anything I've said.
Cadi x
This is an excellent idea for a short story but I think it needs a lot of work. Thumbs up, first of all- I'm sure I would have done a worse job!
It would probably be ever more effective if the omniscient narrator was more in tune with the characters, since it is a short story and you have only two characters to work with. You could also revise how you build the character, like being more creative in tell her age, describing the burglar's cold-bloodedness.
It could still be very short and very well written with all that and still under 500/450 wrds.
Thank you for the reveiw this was acutually an idea I had for a longer story, but deecided to make it shorter I'm still considering to make another wersion of it. Anyway, thanks for the review.