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140,548 Literary Works • 673,419 Reviews
Hiya, darling.
You know the drill. If you have any questions or my handwriting is illegible, please tell me.
I like how the prologue is in present tense. It gives it some staying power. I also like the contrast you have set up between what was and what is.
Hope this helps,
Cal.
Wow, that is a really good prolouge. It's very interesting, but I think that you should leave it alone and totally forget about it for about a week, then come back to it. You will read it and see places that you can add more to it, or where you can add something to make the whole description part just a wee but less confusing. I was a little bit confused about what had happened with the gate and the stone. I know that the stone is a gravestone, and I assume that it is for the guy that died, but has it really been out there for so long that the words have been worn away? That would take over a hundred years. And is the cold fence surrounding the gravestone, the house, or both? WHat became of the house? You were talking about it, then all of a sudden you changed focus to the gravestone. BUt, other than that, it was REALLY good. You have good description words and I love the way that you write.
I enjoyed this section of your story a ton! Espescially the last line. It will stick with me forever, very memorable. 'This is our confession' is a great line. I am bursting with questions...and thats good. I cannot wait to read more.
Hmm…I don’t know what to make of this one. But I do know it sounds interesting, I hope you do keep writing. This story hits me as sort of a dark tale. I think that there is defiantly something to hide and perhaps something going on inside the manor.
All the best
I enjoyed this, it kept me hooked. Lots of people have critiqued this already and I'm not going to try and improve on that. Short piece so this is going to be short. A few things I liked to start off with.
The opening sentences i half agree with people; yes you need to maybe condense this a little, but you must keep some to set the scene in my opinion. There does seemed to be a quite a bit of words that meander into different things that I'm not too keen on. Repetition has been already picked up on so I won’t hold your attention for that.
Overall great use of imagery, I would definitely like to see the next part as that last sentence got me going.
WD!
So I've been meaning to look at this for a while... I don't know why I haven't reviewed, to be honest...
I. NITPICKS
I... ah, okay. This confused me, because I thought you meant a hall like, you know, a hall, that when you open the front door of your house, it's there, and I was going to say that halls don't really stand, they stretch. But alright, I see what you mean. That's not what you're talking about at all... but it did throw me off.
... a sun? Because there's more than one sun for you to be talking about?
rose-scarlet? Is there supposed to be a space in here somewhere...?
Okay...
II. WORDINESS
To be honest, in some places this read a bit like you were trying to confuse us. That may be because I'm quite simple minded and thus enjoy simple prose, but all the same. Your sentences got a bit meandering in places and they took me several goes to understand. Though your writing is really good, it just threw me off when you did this. Don't be afraid to break sentences up, to look at new ways of saying things. To be honest, reading your other reviews, this is probably a matter of personal taste, and I wouldn't worry too much about it. It just kind of gave me the impression that you were trying to impress me rather than interest me. Again, I wouldn't worry too much, but it's just something for you to chew on.
III. OVERALL
I enjoyed it
(... That's Chapter One.)
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
'allo, 'allo. I know I'm a latecomer here, so I'll try to avoid repeating anything people have already said unless it bears repeating.
Okay, my first comment is actually on the title. This is the prologue to "Shrive", yes? If so, I'd say that in the title. Something like "Shrive - Prologue". As is, the title is about the next worst thing to titling it "Untitled". You have a title (unlike most of my works... >.>), so use it! Treat the world to your genius!
Moving on from that...
The first two paragraphs: I know a lot of people talked about how they didn't care about the house in the beginning. My suggestion would actually be to take the first two sentences of the first paragraph, then talk about the family, then add on whatever other information needs to be added in how idyllic it used to be all in one paragraph. This makes us immediately care about some people.
Then add the descriptions about how it has fallen basically into ruin later on, after we hear about the family departing and whatnot. It would add to the "before and after" idea.
The last few lines were wonderful. Chilling and suspenseful. I was getting serious "horrific fairytale" vibes by the end of it.
I want more. Must move on to your first chapter...
~GryphonFledgling
Don;t really have too much to say about this. All I can really say is Bravo. This kept me interested even with mostly description and non character interactive action (which to keep me into is very difficult) and made me wonder what was going to happen next, and makes me want to skip through time to find out.
The description was smooth and well worded, and gave me a wonderful picture of what you were displaying. I can honestly say I had a cat run down my spine by the house pure image Please post the follow up! Or I will find you....
Lovely. Is it going to be a horror story? If so it sounds like a good scary one. OK, I want to know what happens to the house, does anyone else live in it after it's been boarded up, how about the two adopted daughters? Do they connect in the story somehow? Or the wife, or is she so torn up by her husbands sudden death that she can't bare look upon the manor? I love love love, the last sentence.
"This is our confession."
Superb! That right there just makes my head go in twenty different directions. Great job!
Wow, nice imagery^^ It really does grab my attention, the beginning is a little boring, particularly because I don't care much for the small houses or barracks. The end is very interesting, however, and I am left wanting to know more. Which is good^^ Well done.
I agree with Prokaryote, the opening isn't as good as the rest. It needs something attention-grabbing. This sounds like a great story, though! I want to find out what happens.
'There stands' again. Giant sounds childish, maybe use something more interesting.
You don't need the numerous, it's nice without.
Maybe it's just me, but something seems wrong about the tenses there. I think it should be saw, not could see.
Just love this sentence, especially the 'wounded sun'. Brilliant.
Enough with the 'there stands'!
This, above all the rest, gets my attention and makes me want to read on. It's exciting.
Allo Writersdomain --
Nyeeeh, I'm not a fan of this opening. That awful comma makes it seem like the first sentence has a gigantic fracture jutting through the middle of it. And then you repeat the "there stands" bit in the second sentence, which makes ugly, unnecessary repetition. You go on with more boring physical descriptions, and they're not interesting enough to draw me in.
If you're trying to create a foreboding atmosphere from the get-go, take out the shimmering, gilded, and the glistening. Those words make the manor seem like a fairytale palace, and that confuses the mood.
*
Now I know I can be a total stickler about repetition but PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.
Prok wept.
*
I will say, though, that I absolutely love this, er, personification, whatever you'd call it. I dig this imagery.
*
Anyway, this could be a good prologue, but you've gotta tighten up a lot of your sentences. Some of them are needlessly awkward, and you might want to consider going easy on the adjectives. Find strong nouns instead.
Prokaryote
Intriguing!
I don't really have any comments, per say, but only because it's intriguing and I'm wondering what is going to happen next. Which is good!
Questions I'm wondering:
Who were the people that in that house?
What role will the house play?
Who were these people and why do they matter?
Why those three words? They seem a bit odd on a tombstone.
And yeah. I would encourage you to keep writing, but you're kind of a writing machine, so just keep doing what you do best. And, again, it's lovely to see you on again.